Ep.5 – Biggs and Wedge
Simon: Multiple Matriarchs. Isn’t that something?
Spike: Are you really that surprised?
Simon /ponder: Kind of. To think there could be multiple branches of Anchorwind out there. I wonder what they’re all doing.
Spike: Kicking @#$ and taking names!
Simon /ponder: That would be a long list of names.
Spike /ponder: We don’t really take names either.
Simon /ponder: Just Shiro.
Spike nods: Yeah, we really didn’t like him.
Boco: Kweh?
Simon sighs: Poor thing, you’re so young.
Boco lowers his head in defeat.
Spike: I wonder whose names we’ll take this time around?
Simon /ponder: It does seem like the world got denser.
Spike nods emphatically.
Spike and Simon approach The Plaza of Dwayna, having just spoken to the Loremaster and toured a bunch of pubs. They have decided upon their next course of action.
Spike: The guy in one of the pubs said Wizard’s Tower was south-south-east of here. Not that far.
Simon: Right, look for a big floating tower over the sea. How hard could it be?
Spike checks his belt pouches for stashes of questionable materials.
Spike: Between Divinity’s Reach and Lion’s Arch, I’m READY. TO. GO, SON.
Simon: I’m sure you are, old timer.
Spike gives Simon a shove: @#$% off, you’re just as old as I am.
Simon shoves Spike back with a giggle: Yeah, well at least I don’t look like it.
Spike quickly looks around for a reflective surface: You only look like something to roast S’Mores on. That’s not @#$%ing fair.
Simon drags a self-conscious Spike out the South Gate of Divinity’s Reach, into Queensdale. They hadn’t made it but part of the way down the entranceway when they found a wagon and two men in a hurry.
Man 1: Biggs! Hurry your fat@#$ up!
Biggs: Oh, shove it Wedge – scrawny moa-licker – you can load the wagon as fast as I can.
Wedge: We have to grab the you-know-what! Quickly!
Biggs: Yeah, I know. I’m moving!
Spike and Simon look at each other with interest.
Spike: Oi! Grab what now?
Wedge puts down a supply crate: I ain’t telling you.
Spike: I might be able to help, you know.
Wedge: Help with what?
Biggs: Load the wagon!
Simon: No, grabbing the you-know-what!
Wedge: How do you know what we’re grabbing?
Spike: ’cause you just said so.
Wedge: I did?
Biggs: No, LOAD THE WAGON!
Simon: NO, GRAB THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT!
Wedge: We’re trying to!
Spike: I know! That’s what we’re here for!
Wedge: Well why didn’t you say so?
Simon: We did!
Biggs: For Dwayna’s Sake, will you load the wagon, or not?!
Spike: Only if I get to grab What.
Biggs: What?
Simon: Yes!
Wedge: No!
Spike: Well I said so.
Wedge: You don’t even know what we’re grabbing.
Spike whispers: The you-know-what…
Wedge: Not if we get it first.
Simon: We’re already leaving!
Biggs: LOAD THE @#%^ING WAGON.
Spike: We’ll say hi to what for you
Wedge: WAIT!
Simon: What?
Spike points to Simon: Exactly!
Biggs: NO!
Wedge stamps his foot: Enough!
Biggs gets in the middle of Wedge and Spike and Simon and flails his hands about a few times: Will you all start making sense.
Wedge points to the pair: They’re not GRABBING OUR…you-know-what
Spike and Simon fold their arms in unison.
Wedge: They’re NOT!
Spike looks at Simon and makes a vague directional gesture with his head: You about ready to grab you-know-what?
Simon nods: Yeah, leave these two picking up our trail.
Spike pats his full pouches and shifts his glance back at Biggs and Wedge: Boco, Let’s go.
Wedge: Wait! You can’t steal our treasure!
Simon: Steal? Treasure? Do you have it?
Wedge: Well, er…no… but it’s ours!
Spike sits down with Boco.
Simon: How is it yours?
Biggs: We claim it!
Simon: Claim what?
Wedge: …the treasure!
Simon: The treasure that you don’t have?
Wedge: YET!
Simon: So it’s yours, but it’s not yours?
Biggs: Precisely.
Simon: So how could we steal something that isn’t yours?
Wedge: It is ours!
Simon: Where is it?
Wedge: Over there, still.
Simon: So we’d be stealing it over there, just not from you?
Biggs and Wedge nod enthusiastically.
Simon glances at Spike who smiles: Sounds good to me, let’s go.
Wedge: Wait, no! No! NO!!
Simon turns back to Biggs and Wedge: So what is this thing that is supposedly yours even though it’s not yours and is still over there and you’re worried about someone else getting first?
Wedge: The you-know-what, and we’re not worried. We claim it!
Spike yells over: Sorry, we already claimed that.
Wedge: What?! NO! You can’t do that!
Simon: Why not?
Wedge: We claimed it first.
Simon: We super claimed it first, no take-backsies.
Biggs: You claimed what first?
Simon: The treasure.
Biggs: What treasure?
Simon: The you-know-what.
Biggs: and what is the you-know-what.
Simon: Our treasure. We claimed it. We’re on our way to grab it.
Wedge groans painfully: You can’t do that! It’s @$#%ing ours. We claimed it. This is our wagon. We’re on our way now to collect it.
Simon: Collect what?
Biggs and Wedge, together: THE ANTIQUE VELDRUNNER CENTAUR STATUE!!!
Simon: Oh that? Someone else already took that.
Biggs and Wedge yell very loudly: WHAT?!?!
Spike: Yeah, we just heard about it in one of the pubs in Divinity’s Reach, word travels fast, you know. Someone snatched that out of some temple or some @#%^. It made quite the pub story.
Wedge: …You’re @#$%ing lying.
Simon and Spike shrug in unison.
Spike: No way, Dood. The guy at the pub also wanted to collect it. He was an angry drinker. Gave me a run for my money.
Simon nods: Figured we’d let you know. Save you a trip. Try to collect something else, dood.
Biggs and Wedge stand there stunned. Someone had beat them to the treasure!
Biggs, soberly: Come on Wedge, let’s see if we can find another mark…
Wedge: No! These guys are lying! There’s no way someone else found the treasure before us!
Spike: Cheer up, dood! We’ll probably see each other on the trail again.
Wedge, kicking at things on the ground: Yeah, @#$% off.
Biggs: We can at least ask around, if they heard about it – then we could too.
Biggs and Wedge continue to talk amongst themselves in frustration, but Spike looks at Simon and Boco, who shrug. They instead turn south, and continue on their way to Wizard’s Tower.
References:
Vol.2 Ep.1 Silverlock
Biggs and Wedge is a reference within a reference. In the Final Fantasy series, they are a pair of characters who appear in every game doing different things – but there is always a pair of characters in each game bearing the name. So I’m introducing them as a pair who own a caravan and were thus unsuccessful in their first ordeal. They’ll probably pop up again.