Vol 2. Hoolequin and The Grand Atlas
There was a sudden burst of light. Simon re-ignited.
The burst of light in Spike’s face stirred him.
Spike groans uncomfortably.
Simon: Damn dood, turn it town – will you? …and hand me my belt. I’m stiff as @#$%.
You could probably hear the two creak and they stood and stretched for the first time quite a while.
Spike investigated all of his pouches and found naught but dust.
Spike suddenly became more alert: WHAT. THE. @#$%!
Spike empties the dust onto the cave floor and shows the empty pouches to Simon, who helplessly shrugs.
Spike looks at the dust on the cave floor and ponders aloud: Why are we in a cave?
Simon’s flame flickers blankly.
Spike and Simon look around with equal disorientation.
Spike grins: That must have been some GOOD @$%^.
Simon still hasn’t found the ability to speak.
Spike: Well, neither of us has any idea where we are but we’ve had our fun…I think…let’s get out of here.
The pair look around for a while but can’t find a way out.
More walking in circles, no exit.
Even more walking in circles, no exit.
Finally, something makes Simon’s flame alter – ever so slightly.
Simon leaps with excitement and follows it.
Spike: Bless your sensitivity!
Simon finds the crack in the wall, but there is no light. They wiggle and bash through the darkness, guided by Simon’s light and sensitivity to airflows, but it’s not a direct path to the surface, only a path to more caves. Eventually, they see it! The surface.
Spike shoulders his way past and races ahead!
Squinting, Spike surveys what he sees.
Spike: This Legendary Cartographer will get us…
Spike pauses.
Simon’s flame diminishes in size with disappointment.
Spike: Where the @#$% are we?
Spike looks around in confusion.
Spike: Well, that’s the sun, so that’s west. Is that a city? That would be a BIG @#$%ING CITY.
Spike and Simon hit the ground in haste.
Spike: Were those spirits?
Simon nods, although it’s hard to tell.
Spike: Since when is there a -gigantic- @#$%ing city in Tyria? That’s not Lion’s Arch.
Simon shrugs.
Spike: We’re lost, you’re glowing – and those are spirits. They look like Angry Spirits. Stealth is probably not a great option.
Simon finally found his voice: Quinsion.
Spike: Didn’t we need Crysa-
Spike’s eyes widen and Simon lets out a puff of flame burst.
The pair in unison: CRYSANIA!
Simon still struggles to speak: Here not we she are…
Spike: She’s still alive, well – ish – if we are.
They hmmm in harmony.
Spike: We should make for that city, find out where we are and try to find Crysania. She might be there.
Simon: Crysania’s City?
Spike grumbles: If that’s the new guild hall and they didn’t come find us, we’ll have some words.
Spike: I still have a dagger. Do you remember any spells?
Simon shakes his head, although it’s hard to tell.
Spike: lovely.
Simon points downhill and to the south: Look!
Spike squints, but he can make out what looks like a broken statue of Dwayna, and more spirits.
Spike grins: Simon, you’re a genius!
Simon tries to /flex but can’t.
Simon tries to /flex again but fails again.
Simon /me flexes anyway.
The pair climb down from their perch towards the statue of Dwayna. They’d simply ask Her where Crysania is. This would be a quick adventure.
As they approach the back of the ruins, Spike and Simon both slow their pace. They creep in through the broken window and try to commune with the statue, out of sight of the spirits.
Nothing.
Spike: What the @#$% ?! Dwayna loves us. Well, Crysania – and we’re her. She’s us. This doesn’t make sense.
Just then a Charr warrior clears out some spirits, and stops to mine a node nearby. The pair hide as soon as they see him. Fortunately, either the Charr didn’t see them, or didn’t care.
Spike: @#$% !!! Angry Spirits AND Charr? Let’s get out of here, now.
They decide to follow the Charr’s path of destruction a bit, but the spirits respawned very quickly.
Thinking on his feet, Spike points to the coffins in the ruins.
Spike: Strike it, Centurisimon.
Centurisimon: Woughwy?
Spike: Oh yes, vewy woughwy.
Centurisimon: …and throw it to the floor?
Spike: Yes, of course.
The pair, wielding shoddy wooden boards, confused anxiety, and a lot of battle-hardened skill – take care of the fresh spirits and make their way out of the front of the temple and to the east. There, they find a camp.
As they approach the Camp, they are halted.
Seraph 1: SPIRIT!
Spike and Simon instinctively duck and look behind them.
The Seraph surround Simon with a full range of weaponry.
Spike leaps in: Wait, wait – WAIT! He’s a good spirit.
The Seraph look at Spike, filthy and armed with a wooden board and a shoddy dagger, with suspicion.
Seraph Sgt: …and who are you?
Spike beams with pride: WE’RE with the QUIN!
The Seraph look at each other with confusion.
Seraph Sgt: The Who?
Simon: Whooooooo are you? Who who? Who who?
The Seraph all glance at each other strangely.
Spike giggles: Baba O’riley?
Seraph Sgt grumbles: Enough games. You reek and he’s… … …on fire.
Spike shrugs: You get used to it.
Simon nods, although it’s hard to tell.
The Seraph fail to lower their weapons.
Seraph Sgt: So, are you with the Centaurs?
Spike and Simon: HELL NO!
Seraph Sgt: Anti-Pact?
Simon whispers: Pack of what?
Spike shrugs helplessly.
Seraph Sgt: Lower your weapons.
They glance at their wooden boards and casually throw them away without a second thought.
Seraph Sgt: I’ll ask you once. Where are you from.
Simon’s flame flickers, despite a lack of wind and Spike’s gaze lengthens to a distant gaze. They begin singing in unison: The pines were roaring on the heights / the winds were moaning in the night / the fire was red, it flaming spread / the trees torches blazed with light…
A couple younger Seraph members snorted.
The pair continued singing: Far over the misty mountains cold…
The Seraph members begun laughing.
Seraph Sgt: What is so funny?
Seraph 3: They’re trolling you.
Seraph Sgt looks immediately back at the two sternly who themselves can’t keep their composure.
In their laughter, Spike explains everything. The cave, just north of the Dwayna statue – all of it.
The Seraph Sgt, unsure at what he’s more agitated by, quips: How long were you out?
The pair shrug.
Simon: Long enough for minas tirith-
Spike elbows Simon as a couple Seraph giggle under the glare of their superior.
Simon: that city to get built.
Seraph Sgt: Silence! I’ll have you know, “That City” is Divinity’s Reach, and is the last bastion of peace in this godforsaken world.
Spike: Godforsaken? Just clear out the spirits and talk to Dwayna. She can help.
All the Seraph start laughing.
Seraph Sgt: Where are you from, again? The Avatars of the Gods haven’t been seen in hundreds of years.
Simon whispers: Dood…we’re @#$%ing old now.
Seraph Sgt continues: But my Uncle is part of the party in Divinity’s Reach trying to change all that!
Seraph 5: Oh no…
Seraph Sgt: What? You have a problem with Uncle Bigus Dickus?
Spike and Simon begin laughing.
Seraph Sgt: SILENCE! I will not have anyone laughing at Uncle Bigus Dickus!
The pair laugh even harder.
Seraph Sgt: I will not have my great uncle, Bigus Dickus, ridiculed by the common man.
The pair are in hysterics.
Seraph Sgt: Right! Seize Them.
Just then a horn bellows in the distance!
Seraph 2: SGT! Centaurs!
The Seraph Sgt growls but leaves Spike and Simon alone. They have bigger things to worry about.
Simon, after a pause: Hey, Spike?
Spike: Yeah, dood.
Simon: I had a scepter find its way into my pouch, automatically. A torch too.
Spike checks his pouches: Wow. A shortbow. What the @#$% ? Does loot not appear on the ground anymore?
Simon shrugs: I don’t know what’s going on. Apparently we slept for a couple hundred years.
Spike looks at another belt pouch: What did we do that night? We should do it again!
Simon cracks his neck: I don’t know, dood, I’m still pretty stiff.
Spike: Well, let’s go break open some clay pots.
Simon: Eh?
Spike: We’ll find all sorts of good stuff in them. Don’t you know anything?
Simon: Like what?
Spike: EVERYTHING, DOOD.
…and so they head generally west, towards Divinity’s Reach on their search for Crysania.
Welcome to Vol. 2 : Hoolequin and The Grand Atlas
References:
Monty Python / Life of Brian – Bigus Dickus
The Lord of the Rings
The Legend of Zelda
Guild Wars 2
QUINtessential History
The Who [Who Are You, Baba O’Riley]