A Male Voice: …hello darkness, my old friend…
Henchman 1: Sir?
The Male Voice: I’ve come to talk with you again…
Henchman 1: Spike?
Admire’al Spike turns to the henchman.
Admire’al Spike: That’s Admire’al Spike, and what do you want? I’m trying to touch the sound of silence.
Henchman 1 looks at his hand and blinks confusedly.
Henchman 1: Message for you, Sir!
Admire’al Spike: A message in a bottle?
Henchman 1 shrugs, and hands the bottle to Admire’al Spike.
Admire’al Spike yells up to the crow’s nest: Mr. Simon! Would you come down, please?!
Admire’al Spike leans against the railing and looks as the only visible light source piercing the darkness bobs and weaves down from the crow’s nest and makes its way to him.
Mr. Simon: GUITAR SOLO! MMEEEEMEMEMEMEMOWOWWW!!!
Admire’al Spike chuckles and breaks the bottle against the outside of the railing.
Admire’al Spike holds the note up near Mr. Simon’s head and they both gasp.
Admire’al Spike: Balreth is sending out an S.O.S. to us! He was hoping we would get his message in a bottle.
Admire’al Spike furrows his brow.
Admire’al Spike: How did he figure to get a floating bottle, in the open seas, to a moving ship.
Mr. Simon: SILVERLUCK IS BULL@$%^.
Admire’al Spike: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Henchman 1: …so where our resident Duke, Lord of Arrow?
Admire’al Spike holds up the note again and squints under Mr. Simon’s light.
Admire’al Spike exclaims with ferosity: HE’S PINNED DOWN!
As if on cue, the entire ship springs to life.
Admire’al Spike: He’s under attack by the featherflinger, Hoo’Chucka! The Desert Owl.
Mr. Simon: LETS GO BLOW @#$% UP!
Admire’al Spike: My sentiments exactly!
Admire’al Spike peers past the burning head of his partner: QSS Whitebase! We sail Southwest!
The noise level wasn’t to Admire’al Spike’s liking.
Admire’al Spike: NOW! Or we will find Crysania first!
The creaks and groans of a moving ship became much more audible.
As Mr. Simon ascends back up the crow’s nest, the only sounds out of the ordinary was a bit of singing.
Admire’al Spike: …I does what I likes and I likes what I do…
—
Henchman 1: Admiral… Admire’al, Sir. How much longer? We’ve been sailing SW for days.
Admire’al Spike grins. We should be almost there. The hard part will be getting Balreth.
Henchman 1: Oh?
Admire’al Spike scowls. Hoo’Chucka’s domain is said to be a desolate place, that has a permanent environmental hex on it. It makes it hard to connect to your abilities. You just lag behind in battle. You don’t quite feel yourself, like you’re delayed somehow. It gives the featherflinger the edge. What’s Balreth to do – by himself – in a place like that?
Henchman 1 pouts: Not good.
Admire’al Spike beams: That’s why we’re taking a detour.
Henchman 1 sighs painfully: …oh here we go.
Admire’al Spike grins.
Mr. Spike yells from above: LAND @#$%ING HO!
Admire’al Spike: It’s show time, ladies! Drop Anchorwind, man the port side guns.
Henchman 1: Sir? That’s just a tall cliff.
Admire’al Spike: Someone throw this henchman off my ship.
A bunch of hungry grins appear from the shadows.
Henchman 1 quickly goes about his duties.
Mr. Spike is down with the port side guns, grinning. Rather, his flame is dancing vividly. Everyone is assuming he’s grinning.
Admire’al Spike yells from above: Mr. Spike, would you do the honors?
Mr. Spike blows on the fuses, and lights them all – much to the confusion of the henchmen. He doesn’t light anything else on fire on the ship.
Mr. Spike: EXPLOSION NOISE!!!
The cannons all fire into the cliff side.
Dust.
Balreth hears the cannon fire in the distance. That couldn’t possibly be the noise of the desert owl. He decides to head in that direction.
When the dust settles, there is a cave! The tunnel goes further into the rock.
The henchmen murmur amongst themselves. They all want to know how did Admire’al Spike know this.
Admire’al Spike proudly proclaims: When you’re Admire’al, you must know these things. Love me.
Henchman 1: Well…now what?
Admire’al Spike: You and you, come with me. The rest of you? Panic!
Admire’al Spike shakes his head quickly: I mean guard the ship! GUARD THE SHIP!
Too late. Mr. Simon is running about flailing his arms in the air wildly.
Admire’al Spike grabs Mr. Simon by the back of his shirt and tosses him overboard.
All the henchmen gasp with horror, and then disbelief, for there is a burning head – underwater.
Admire’al Spike and the two henchmen deploy one of the smaller craft and drag Mr. Simon on it and head to the cave.
—
Inside the cave, illuminated by Mr. Simon’s excitement, they find little but dust and the occasional bits of shifting sand.
Henchman 1: Where are we headed?
Mr. Simon: I DON’T @#$%ING KNOW, BUT I DIDN’T BRING ANY GODAMN BOOMSTICKS WITH ME. THIS SUCKS.
Mr. Simon’s voice fills the cave with an intensity that catches everyone off guard.
Balreth, headed towards the new noise, hears something strangely familiar – however faint – from below his feet.
Balreth cracks his first real smile in a while. This can’t be a coincidence.
Balreth picks up his pace, he knows what he’s looking for now. A hidden cave entrance.
Unfortunately, Balreth knows that Hoo’Chucka will likely have other ideas.
Balreth hides under a large rock for a moment.
Balreth closes his eyes for a moment and starts breaking down the scenario: ok. I think I have Quin beneath me, so there have to be caves. They had to have gotten there from explosions somewhere nearby. Anything I do will be on a bit of a delay. I only can do things during certain windows and have my skills on lockdown the rest of the time. What are they trying to do against a flying target from underground?
Damnit, what would Crysania do? She just walks around in…
That’s it!
Crysania! You’re a genius!
Balreth takes off his outer outfit, and drapes it conspicuously on a nearby rock. He waves goodbye to it before running towards the initial sound.
Balreth thinks: Bye, old outfit. It was a good run.
Balreth sees the ship on the horizon as he hears the scream of Hoo’Chucka behind him. The featherflinger must have found the old outfit and attacked it. His plan worked.
Without hesitation Balreth dove into the sea.
When he popped up, the cheering henchmen frantically pointed to the blown out cave entrance.
Balreth: Ah. Got it.
Balreth quickly swam to the cave entrance and made his way towards the light source via reflections off the cave walls.
—
Admire’al Spike: We found it!
Mr. Simon’s flame bursted with glee.
Balreth knew he was getting close.
Henchman 1: A single treasure chest?
Admire’al Spike picks the lock with minimal effort: but look what’s in it!
Admire’al Spike holds the item aloft.
Mr. Spike is clearly disappointed: A @#$%ING LONGBOW WITHOUT A STRING? WHAT THE @#$% ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THAT?
Admire’al Spike grins: This, if I’m right, is the Legendary Oz Kit Bow. It only works in the hands of a master. Hoo’Chucka fears this.
Henchman 1: A master? Like…
Admire’al Spike tosses the bow back towards where they came.
Balreth, panting, catches it. The bow grows a string with a faint red glow.
Henchman 1: What the shit? How did you…
Admire’al Spike smiles: When you’re Admire’al, you must know these things.
Balreth scratches around in the sand with the bottom of the bow and finds another chest. He flips it open and it’s loaded with gems and coins. Quickly, he pockets a couple before gesturing at the two henchmen.
Mr. Spike: SILVERLUCK IS BULL@#$%!!!
Balreth: The Oz Kit bow, eh?
Admire’al Spike evilly chuckles: Oh, you’ll see.
Balreth shrugs. He has long since given up questioning Crysania’s Krewe. Things just work.
—
After resting up a bit on QSS Whitebase, Balreth explains how Hoo’Chucka’s domain works and how Hoo’Chucka, himself, attacks.
Admire’al Spike listens for most of the briefing before interrupting: Just shoot him.
Mr. Simon: SNIPPY @#$%ING SNAP! ONE SHOT, ROLL CREDITS! NO COMMERCIALS!
Balreth blinks and shrugs: Or, we just can just shoot him.
The crew of QSS Whitebase nods and off they go.
Directly assaulting Hoo’Chucka, it wasn’t long before they found him.
Balreth, in a new – more comfortable – outfit, with the Oz Kit bow, leaves the formation to find a good spot to take aim.
Mr. Simon’s explosions and Admire’al Spike’s henchman keep Hoo’Chucka busy and eventually get him out of the sky for a moment. Hoo’Chucka then rapidly ascends, straight vertically in a panic.
Balreth leads his target. He knows about the delay. He’s ready. He let’s fly.
The Oz Kit talks back: BARK AT THE MOON, BITCH!
Balreth nodded: …of course…
The arrow found it’s mark.
Hoo’Chucka fell out of the sky.
A relieved Balreth came down from his perch and joined the Krewe.
Admire’al Spike led the celebrations: Gather anything you can, for tonight WE DINE IN HELL!
Balreth arches an eyebrow quizzically.
Admire’al Spike: A dry, desert landscape? Hell to me.
Nods all around.
Mr. Simon wasted no time lighting the gathered materials on fire and Roasted Hoo’Chucka was served.
Admire’al Spike: So, how is it?
Balreth looks at his piece with disinterest: Tastes of nostalgia, but not enough of it. Make sense?
A desert quiet falls on the krewe. The crackling of burning things breaks the silence.
Admire’al Spike: …well, some carnivore you are.
Balreth accepts the challenge and devours his piece in rapid fashion.
Admire’al Spike sees it and demolishes his piece as well.
Hoo’Chucka is no more. Balreth’s old outfit is gone. The reflection in his eyes is visible on the outside.
Admire’al Spike: So, is the legend about the bow true?
Balreth: You knew?
Admire’al Spike grins: When you’re Admire’al –
Henchman 1: you must know these things! WE KNOW.
Balreth summons the bow and fires an arrow off into the distance.
The Oz Kit bow talks back: Mama, I’m Coming Home!
Admire’al Spike: I agree. Come on, Quin. Let’s go find everyone else.
References:
Simon and Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence
The Police – Message in a Bottle
Mary Poppins
Borderlands – Mr. Torque, Pre-Sequel
Monty Python – Tales of Sir Lancelot
Pirates of the Caribbean
300 (movie)
Ozzy Osbourne – Bark at the Moon, Mama I’m Coming Home
Guild History and Life stories.
5 November 2016
Monk Anchorwind