Making Sense of the World
One of my primary interests is how I sense and make sense of the world. Due to a mixed-bag of prior decisions, like the double-edged sword of service, I understand I sense and make sense of the world differently than I would have otherwise. I also do it differently than other people. It is a constant struggle to attempt to make sense of things. Not only am I a part of a living system, and thus the system is subject to change, but I myself change frequently. Being a Bi-Polar INFJ is a blessed curse all on its own. However, the variables get scaled up further with another issue: memory loss. Thus, I am a sensitive individual with little background continuity in an environment of multi-leveled change. What does this all mean?
This means I am hyper-present, in the present. This is akin to how a blind person is extraordinarily attuned to their other senses. Without a past, I am extraordinarily attuned to the present. By nature, I tend to extrapolate big pictures out of small details. Also by nature, I wish to get to the heart of matters. While individually, these may be good traits to have, but combined with my background it produces rapid changes in my state of being. I am a living, breathing, emotional Butterfly Effect study. I am susceptible to significant changes based on insignificant inputs. A single text message can alter my approach to the conversation. A single hesitation can alter my enthusiasm. A change in your aura will change mine. However, it works both ways. An unexpected positive remark can encourage me. Opening up to me can allow me to open up to you. A demonstrated effort from you can allow me to match it. As long as the lines of communication remain open and honest, all changes can be reverted in real time. I build a picture from body language, tone of voice, word choice [and lack thereof], speed of response, emotional investment, topical relevance and whether or not you’re occupied elsewhere [like playing on your phone]. This picture is constantly rebuilt and plays a role in determining how I interact. This is both a good thing [patience, intuition] and a bad thing [a needless escalation from a misunderstanding].
There are those whom are aware that I listen. I don’t just hear, I don’t just interpret surface/face values, I listen. Those people often enjoy my presence for we communicate very well. Lately, I’ve learned how to become more resourceful than before due to memory loss issues. As such, I’m able to provide emotional responsiveness, rational thought, and context to conversations. I’m also a lifelong learner. This is in part necessity [memory loss] and in part my nature. I am not only hyper-present, but very invested and curious. I genuinely care, and have to be careful how that is manipulated and/or manifested.
How do I sense the world? I do so through a rapid interpretation of the present with a focus on making the future better. I build my picture, and then run it through my emotional core wrapped in a logic cage and then determine whether or not I agree with myself. The latter part of that process is important as my manic/depressive phases will noticeably alter the process itself. A continuous introspection is required to function with any hope of success. My discussions with myself are, by far, more in depth and intense than my conversations with others.
How do I make sense of the world? I don’t think I do yet. I am troubled by how little I understand. From personal things like: memory loss, emotional instability, and unending energy levels to societal things like: the manifestation of the evils caused by the resurgence of the right-wing, the glorification of unethical capitalism, the systemic sabotage of education, and buffet-style religious ‘practitioners’ that [attempt to] oppress other people whilst simultaneously claiming to be oppressed.
Life is difficult enough on its own. Add to this physical and mental disabilities. Add to that emotional instabilities and memory loss. Pile on top of that half the population actively working against you and your best interests and a portion of the other half who does not/cannot understand you. The end result is a struggle to eke out a simple, sustainable, and meaningful existence in world that I neither remember nor understand. I have IPA and Kenja Taimu [NSFW] , so at least I have that going for me.
~Monk Anchorwind
8 April 2015