Of Emotions and Stoicism
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Sometimes, I think I am in control of how I feel. Sometimes, I think I can preempt how I will react to something – I can simulate it in my mind and soften the blow enough to where I don’t feel anymore.
God knows I’ve been trying. Every fucking day, I try to rip myself away from the tear inducing levels of anger I feel on a near constant basis. Endless loneliness, being used unrepentantly, constant physical pain, memory loss and disorientation, and all that is even before I turn on the news and learn about how we’re terrible to each other. We’re gleefully horrible to each other. We make money off of being shitty to each other.
Is the world getting worse? Are we just spreading information better? Both? People did some really fucked up things before. See: Organized Religion.
I, like so many around me, put on masks. Every day, all the time. We lie to ourselves. We lie to our loved ones, everyone we interact with. The people passing us by. The people on the internet. Everyone.
“Who are you? Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask” – V for Vendetta
I’ve tried absolute honesty. I am more honest than I am a liar. It’s one of the primary reasons I am so lonely. No one likes people without masks. Emotions must be dampened if not discarded. Hobbled if not hidden.
A smile might earn you a few minutes with someone, a tear or a growl will have you cast out.
I walk around and get lip service at best. Hollow words filled with empty promises written on checks that were pre-voided. Confrontation leads to avoidance.
That just lengthens the periods of loneliness.
Put on the mask.
Pretend.
Stoicism.
No expression. No thought. No advocacy.
The sooner you realize that almost always (rare exceptions apply) you can be in the active presence of others yet not be considered at all, the better. No “I’ve had my share, here’s yours.” No “I’ve got what I want, let’s get you what you want.” No “you think of me, so I’m thinking of you.” Such things don’t exist. I am invisible to the very people I am setting the example to.
…but I’ve been mentally preparing to soften these blows. I’ve been going over this in my head. Over and over again.
It doesn’t matter. It never hurts less, and I never stop wondering why.
I know it’s coming, not five minutes down the road. I am well prepared. It’s always been like this. There’s no sign of it ever being different. I can’t stop feeling.
I am told another death is approaching. I knew it was coming sooner or later. I was able to not think about it directly at first, I talked about things about it and surrounding it. It wasn’t until the conversation was over that the weight pushed into me. Why did I think I would be able to take it in stride? I get upset at an animal corpse at the side of the road. I am emotionally incapable of watching certain commercials (like SPCA and related). How did I ever think I would just be ok?
“Hey. I hope you’re doing ok – I need you to do something for me.” Thanks…
People don’t like seeing me cry – they avoid me like the plague when I do. I don’t like them seeing me in such a state either. I suppose it’s a small silver lining then, that I will never receive any visitors save for the rare person seeking a service. That’s not a visit, as much as a business trip.
My statement stands – no visitors. Sad, that. I only invite everyone.
I offer nothing of value. I know this by their actions.
I hate thinking about people dying. Not only do I think about the deaths I am responsible for, but I wish it was me instead of them.
Stoicism? Not here.
Masks, Lies, False Motivation (HOOAH!) , and practiced smiles.
It’s a mad world.
“All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world, world
Enlarge your world
Mad world” – Tears For Fears