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Of Fathers and Figures
(Father’s Day : 2015)

Every year we have a day for Fathers. Cool! What does it mean to be a father? According to much of what we can see in greeting cards it is a mixture of sports, beer, food and mentoring. Oddly enough, there may be some truths to that. However, there is a lot more to it.

Sports: How to work within a system. How to work hard and excel. How to be both individually successful and team oriented. How to sell out.

Beer: How to simplify, after all, Beer only has four ingredients. There is a time to work, and a time to play. In the modern world, this really isn’t as true anymore; however, in lieu of it we now have how to play at work, or how to enjoy work more: how to be passionate.

Food: How to take care of one’s self. How to develop a skill and become a master at it. How to make things look easy.

Mentoring: How to teach people things others (mothers) may be afraid to (or at least not care for). How to be disciplined. How to set goals and work towards them. How to achieve a sense of balance between one’s expectations and one’s setbacks. How to point someone in a direction and guide them along, without doing the work for them.

All of the above lessons are valuable, but one does not need to have their own children in order to be proficient at being a leader. Father Figures (FFs) can be found anywhere: Businesses, Schools, Government, Next Door, etc. We, as a species, grow on top of the shoulders of those whom came before. We honor their progress by picking up the torch and carrying it forward. FFs however, do much more than carry their own torch: they develop throngs of other torchbearers.

Maternal Figures are awesome too. However, there are some key differences. Maternal Figures (MFs) are unconditionally supportive. They want you to chase your dream. Your FF may actually sit you down and explain the logistics (finances, physics, insert-word-here) of what you’re actually trying to accomplish. That is not to say your FF is going to just say ‘no,’ but after learning the reality of the situation, you may have a better grasp on what it is you’re trying to do and how to do it. FFs feed on results. Having passion is great! Having a dream is great! Let’s see some results. You think you can do it better? Show me. FFs answer the question “How?” Often, FFs answer “Why?” too.

FFs form the foundation of a situation. Good FFs enable others to succeed. MFs may do an awfullot of the tangible work in many situations, but if done right, that MF has the support of the FF. The FF is the first and last line of defense (while the MF makes up a large middle between the lines). The FF sets up the system for success. When the FF has to step in again to enforce something, it’s too late (as many of us WELL KNOW). FFs are visionaries, arbiters of yes and no. FFs are harder to sway than MFs. FFs seek to improve, to consistently come closer to that impossibility of perfection. FFs tread the line between being content with that you have and what to change.

FFs are the unsung heroes. While MFs get most of the credit (and do a lot of work to deserve it), it is the absolute responsibility of the FF to ensure the success, sustainability, and happiness of the MF. When a good FF’s system is running smoothly, no one really notices. Things just happen as they should: calmly, peacefully, and allowing the mental space to look forward. When a good FF’s system is running smoothly, the FF should only be called as needed (as opposed to the MF who is still highly visible). Naturally, the FF is not content to rest on its laurels and is looking elsewhere for things to do.

MFs do not like to be feared. Loved? Yes. Respected? Yes. FFs, though, are more ok with being feared. In the long-term, which good FFs tend to think in anyway, fear often turns into respect. FFs are selfless, always putting the needs of the system above their own. If done right, the FF will benefit from the systemic work though.

FFs are a strange bunch: simultaneously drawing from tradition whilst pioneering new frontiers. You may not always like your FF, but you should never let it go – until it is time. That’s the thing about mentoring, about being a FF: success means obsolescence. FFs are impactful, challenging, and strategically patient. Neither FFs nor MFs are gender specific.

Have you thanked your Father Figure today?

Disclaimer 1) This is entirely based on my experiences and philosophies. I am well aware this isn’t how it works for everyone.

Disclaimer 2) To ALL the men (and single moms) who(m) are/were actively involved in their children’s lives, thanks! By no means am I trying to take anything away from you. At all. Period.