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ORB: Lessons and Progress

What have I learned from ORB? Quite a bit, actually. First, though, let’s look at the name. Operation: a coordinated, planned, action or set of actions. Reset: a return to a previous state. Button: a device that, when pressed, is supposed to initiate a process. So with this in mind, have I succeeded? No, and it’s a good thing. The last thing I needed to do was focus on the Reset aspect of it like I normally would. Really, it should have been called Operation Distill Button, but ODB is already taken and may he rest in peace. Like ODB, I like it raw and I was about to become much more abrasive to get there.

The first step I had to take in order to progress and distill was to put down the legacies of other people. I had to say no, in a real way. It may have been the first time I said no, to that magnitude, in my life. I built an entire reputation of ‘Yes.’ It did not matter what the cost to me was, I either instantly or eventually said yes. I was a tool. I was a lonely tool. Instead of fixing the problem, I just turned to artistic expression. I diverted energy away from where I needed to put it and instead built a growing database of visual, aural, and linguistic art. Fittingly, my artwork largely goes unnoticed, despite awards and exposure. My artwork was just a distraction, so why would anyone give it the time of day? I needed to confront the problem. So I did, in the most delicate manner I could. Confrontation needs not be harsh and standing one’s ground need not be violent.

Now I was free from the weight of the haunting legacy. I had broken through the ‘no’ barrier. There could be no looking back now. What could I distill from everything at this point? The answer was simple: it is ok to have a limit on your patience. One can still be benevolent without being infinite. One can both be supportive and inject their needs into the situation. One can balance tolerance and intolerance with an empty mind and a full heart. I could stop being a cardboard character and start being more of a person, full of ideas and consequences.
What was I to do, as a person? I must listen to myself. I’ve done so many things against my better judgment, it was time to start listening to myself. I will deal with the consequences of my actions for years to come, but I have to at least try to make the best of what little I have left. Ok, now what? My environment. I must change my environment. I live in a 1900 sq ft house, all by myself. However, this large space is cluttered with…stuff…in every room. Everywhere I looked, my environment was detrimental. This had to change. So a $600 dumpster later, it was time to begin another step in ORB.

I, with her permission obviously, put the dumpster at Melissa’s house. She was going to go through her own ORB simultaneously, but she can tell her own story if she chooses to. For six of seven days (the one exception is when we brought Hope home) I made four or five trips back and forth to the dumpster. Four/Five carloads of physical items to purge every day. I stopped counting after the 30th garbage bag, I should have kept counting though. Nothing was sacred. Everything was questioned: decor, excess, memorabilia: all of it. Closets were emptied, and storage boxes pillaged. Shelves were stripped and cupboards purged. What is left is a distilled essence of what I want my environment to be. Unfortunately for my body, I am a minimalist. As such, day after day of: climbing stairs, heavy loads, dust, and pain. Carload after carload. I’ve discovered that my little Prius C can carry a surprising amount of stuff.

I am driven. I didn’t know where the finish line was, but I would know when I crossed it. Despite the pain and the mania, I never really lost my focus on ORB. I did learn something else, though: pace. I learned that it was ok to sit down and play a level of Hyrule Warriors in between carloads. I would be able to pick up right where I left off and continue the operation. Such breaks, be they: a level of a game, a pint of beer, browsing Reddit for a bit, or just walking around and planning, became not just beneficial but essential. I simply cannot handle constantly working. My body can’t handle it. My mind can’t handle it. I found that doing less meant doing more, which was good because Melissa frequently needed my help. So not only was I doing my ORB by myself, but I became a linchpin in her ORB as well.

With this new idea of pace, I was able to let go of some of my anxieties about internal affairs. As of late, I wake up between 1 and 4 in the morning. I go to bed around 11 at night. Whereas before, my eyes would open and I would immediately feel the need to accomplish something, I do no longer. I am ok with lying awake in bed and letting my mind wander when I wake up. Due to memory issues, I still wake up disoriented quite often. However, I have learned to let my innate intuition and deep focus to piece some things together instead of just finding my way to my computer in a panicked frenzy. I still require my computer to get back up to speed, but I can approach it calmer now. By the time the rest of the world blooms, I have already had several hours of time to get things done. I have my plan waiting to be executed for the day. However, being a largely unstructured individual, my plans are more a collection of objectives or a general sense of direction.

With a more effective environment, and more time, now what? What is next? Now came the time to examine other important aspects of life. Where am I and where am I headed? I have put down a burdensome section of my past, and I have cleaned up my present environment. Now it is time to shift my gaze to the future. Who do I want to be? Who do I want to be with? What do I want to do? I already know sleep is an issue, and it will catch up to me. I already know my body is an issue, my shoulders, ankles, and back have all failed me by now. I had to re-examine my nutrition, finances, and relationships.

Examining my finances was too easy. I’ve spent way too much money and need to not do it. However, I need not to go back to my monkish lifestyle of before. I can find a balance between saving and spending, and I have. Food is where most of my money goes, this includes beer. Instead of denying myself something because it costs money, I’ve integrated the idea of pace into my finances. Only spend X per day or less. Plan things out in advance, re-evaluate the plans, then execute if they are still plans. This part is easy for me, moving on.
Nutrition. I was doing really well, in 2013 and early 2014. I went from 280 lbs to 160 lbs. Most people thought 160 was a bit much, so I hit the gym harder (by disabled standards) and stabilized around 180. Then 2014 happened and I stopped. I stopped the gym. I stopped eating regularly. I stopped caring about what I ate. I fell into the convenience trap, and ballooned back up to 220. This had to change. Unlike before, when I just had slim-fasts and salads…and not much else…every day, I wanted to eat more of a variety. Unlike before, when I meticulously counted every calorie, I wanted to try to enjoy my food. Unlike before, when I placed money before nutrition, I was going to allow myself to buy food. I was going to eat, and eat more-or-less healthy. Healthy with a side of beer.

This has one major problem. I’m in my 30’s and I don’t know how to cook. An embarrassing fact. Mom didn’t really teach me how to cook, she was more of a ‘everyone out of the kitchen and leave me alone’ type. School didn’t teach me how to cook, and neither did the Army. Pouring water into a bag to set off a chemical reaction (MREs) doesn’t quite count. I’ve largely survived on microwaveable things, or things that required no cooking: like a ham wrap, or slim-fast shake. It was time to buy actual ingredients, and cook. Where to start? I started with my Netflix queue. I found a show called “Mind of a Chef.” Season 1 is all about a chef named David Chang. A key theme throughout is returning to his roots for his menu. This got me thinking. What are my roots?

Ramen and Chicken Nuggets. That’s it. Well I didn’t want to focus on chicken nuggets (I’ll get to that in a bit), so that left ramen. I know instant ramen is not ideal in terms of nutrition, and perhaps I’m not wording that strongly enough. This leaves me in an interesting spot: How does a man, ignorant in the ways of cooking, make a nutritious ramen? Simple: He buys ingredients and gets to work. I bought: Alkaline Noodles, Tofu, Lotus Root, Celery, Mushrooms, Carrots, Scallions, Garlic, White Onion, Napa Cabbage, Radish, Jalapeno Peppers, Bell Peppers, and Potatoes. Out of some of that, I reinvigorated my salsa habit which was something I had come to miss. The rest was going to make an everyday ramen that wasn’t going to kill me.
My first attempt was mostly successful, in the sense the food was warm and in one spot. However, it was kind of bland. Having delved into more food-related shows on Netflix, it became clear that my non-existent broth was a large culprit in this. So I learned how to make vegetable stock. I learned how to take the leftover solids and make a veggie cake with them, so I don’t waste anything. I learned how to saute a bit. I learned how to cook more than just throw-it-all-in-and-hope. Now, even though it has been a short time, my everyday ramen is quite tasty. There are actual distinguishable flavors! One dish accomplished, but what about the rest of the menu?

In my research, I came across an initiative called “Weekday Veg.” Simply put, it asks people to be vegetarian on the weekdays and save meat for a weekend treat. They laid out all the moral, ethical, health, and economical reasons why this would be a good thing so I decided I was going to give that a try. This meant other sources of protein (of which we don’t need nearly as much as we eat anyway, generally speaking). I already bought Tofu so could I actually do things with it other than chop it up into indistinguishable cubes in a soup? Yes! I’ve fried it and steamed it and it’s good! As of this writing, I currently have my locally sourced dried pinto beans soaking in my homemade unsalted vegetable stock. Also added for extra flavor are clumps of my homemade dehydrated soup stock veggies and a few locally sourced bay leaves. Yes, I have begun to experiment with dehydrating things too.

I say ‘locally sourced’ and ‘homemade’ not out of a sense of superiority, or as an attempt to proselytize, but out of respect: for the economy, and for the plants (and occasional animal). I want to try to support local farmers when I can. I want to eat actual food with actual ingredients. When I do buy something, I want to use as much of it as I can (minimal waste). My grocery shopping is kind of strange, from a perspective of (in)efficiency. Bottle Caps for craft beer (I’ll start brewing my own again soon), Sam’s Club for bulk veggies, Hannaford for the odds and ends not found at Sam’s Club, the local Asian store (just called Asian Market) for special ingredients (1/3 of my list, really), and the North Country Store located 20 miles away for beans, flour, spices, and anything else I can pick up from the PA Dutch/Amish style store. 5 stores just for groceries. It will be 6 soon as the local farmer’s market will be open. It may not be the most efficient, in the sense of “just go to a grocery store and buy food” but I already feel better, eating actual food.

Lately, I’ve been spending about an hour or two a day in the kitchen. I’ve made salsa, aioli, everyday ramen, spicy stir fry, pumpernickel bread (that turned into a gigantic crouton because I left it out too long), steamed everything, and more. I do dishes 2 or 3 times a day. When I was younger, I just loaded the dishwasher and let it do its thing. Now, I pull things out of the dishwasher and wash by hand. It’s odd how some things change as you age. Anyway, even with drinking beer I’ve already lost 10 lbs, just eating actual food. I’ve been eating plenty of it too, good lord.

This leaves relationships, in the context of ORB and unfinished business. My relationship to this house needs to end. I am happy with the sheer amount of stuff I’ve taken out of it, but it is still inherently not a good environment for me. Some of it has to do with memories and legacy, and other parts of it are simply the way it’s laid out and other tangible issues. I need to fix this up and sell it, even if just breaking even, and leave. So where to? I know not where yet, but I have a good grasp on how. I am a person of constant change, so I need the space in which to change. I also enjoy changing my space. I’ve already distilled my actual habits into sections: a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a big empty space for my computer and console systems. Think studio apartment, just slightly larger. However, my relationship to this new entity must incorporate my relationships with philosophy, ethics and minimalism. As such, I’m looking to Shipping Containers, Recycled Pallets, Repurposed Metals, and more. This gives me a direction for the future, as this is certainly nothing that can be solved at the moment.

Finally, the last step of ORB: relationships with other people. As stated earlier, I can come across as more abrasive now as I allow myself to have a finite pool of patience. However, I can also be more passionate in life now. I have less weighing me down (Bi-Polar, PTSD and memory issues are enough on their own) now. I’m more focused. I have a better idea of what I want. I want to initiate a dialogue: through my art, through my music, through my writings, through phone calls, through in-person time, through social media, whatever. I want to find people whom are willing to delve deep with me and develop a relationship with them. I want to find people whom speak the same language as me. That is not to say I want someone just to agree with me all the time, but someone whom speaks the language of curiosity, The language of questioning, the language of exploration. Above all, I want to find the reciprocal. People whom are not reciprocal now either have learned, or will learn soon, that I am taking my idea of finite patience very seriously and I refuse to live in a one-way world any longer. People will learn I will not simply wait around on the promises of things that may potentially come. My relationships with people will be healthier and more productive, or they will cease to be. No more endless blank checks.

A distilled, minimal, approach to a functional environment containing only the valuable. Operation Reset Button.

~Monk Anchorwind
May 2015