I often walk along the road less travelled. It used to bother me considerably. I felt alienated from people because who I am and what I thought were so frequently in the minority that I felt there must be something wrong with me. There are still plenty of things wrong with me, but simply being outside out of the average is not itself wrong. Things are noteworthy because they are different. I may not make waves but I tend to leave ripples.
I am an honest person. I believe I always was, but memory issues force me to be even more so. Lies require you to maintain a lie. It’s hard to maintain something you can’t remember. I’m a terrible liar anyway, my anxieties become awkwardness and my normal self becomes something different in a discernible way. My honesty, however, is paired with an awareness of my environment. I’m sensitive to myself, where I am at, what/who I’m interacting with, and how I may affect my environment. I’m aware of the potential consequences of my actions.
Awareness seems to be the road less travelled. We have entire populations of people lying to themselves in order to be intentionally unaware: keeping their head in the sand as it were. We have other populations of people who are seemingly unaware that everything has a consequence, including doing nothing at all. Management of consequences is an essential skill regardless of what we’re talking about: business, nutrition, finances, communication, etc.
Sometimes, however, apathy takes hold. Never towards others but of the self. Sometimes I know I shouldn’t do something and I just don’t care. I know what the consequence is likely to be and I accept it. The harder part is when you put your faith in others and take a gamble with them. When you take a calculated risk, knowing what the consequence should be, and it doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. It makes me feel foolish. I feel like telling myself “I told you so.” Not everyone is as reliable as I am, I walk the road less travelled.
I am not keen on making people wait on me. Anxiety makes me feel as if the world slows down. My mind races as I ponder thoughts to their conclusions, over and over again. I ponder hypothetical scenarios to prepare myself in case they would happen, to not be blindsided like I’ve been in the past. Part of who I am is due to preparation, patience, and resourcefulness. If I’m involved in something, it needs to be done right, the first time, and promptly. It eases my conscious removes anxiety. Yet, as I walk the road less travelled it is always me waiting for others.
Simplicity helps. I used to volunteer for everything that came into my attention and become overwhelmed. I used to accumulate too many objects in my house, and desire even more. I used to try to live vicariously through others, instead of accepting myself. So, being better with picking and choosing my battles helps. Slowly, but consistently, downsizing helps. Learning who I am and what I like helps.
I don’t feel like I’m on the outside looking in as much. I’m still “missing out” on all the same things as I was before, but I am considerably less attached now. I feel less attached like a monk feels less attached, simply disinterested in a neutral way. Perhaps, curious from time to time to learn what it’s about but understanding it’s not our world. My world is sparsely populated and often misunderstood. I spend much time clarifying to kinder people, deciding if I want to argue the less kind, or simply being left alone by most.
It took me a long time to accept the ‘niche crowd’ thing. I put a lot of thought into my writing, and emotion into my music and visual works. I understand that such feelings only will only be felt by some, and will only appeal to a segment of those who felt it. I think a lot of us creative types want to be heard and accepted. At some point, though, we stop doing it for others and we start doing it for ourselves. Alternately, we realize we were doing it for ourselves the whole time we just really liked the recognition we got from others. Support matters, support for being a consistent minority.
I am a Progressive in a world where many treat me like the enemy or someone to ignore. I find Nihilism comforting but it’s a topic many can’t discuss with you because Jesus. I make music in genres many people haven’t heard of (or at least wouldn’t recognize), and make visual art that makes people uncomfortable to look at. My idea of thought-provoking essays and long comments often end conversations unintentionally, but everyone tells me I’m the nicest most affable person they know.
I’m approachable in a world that’s often too busy to remember itself. You can pick up the phone and call, I’ll probably answer. If not I always call back. I’ll probably apologize I missed your call in the first place. I’m affectionate and I eat my vegetables 🙂 . I show people I love them in ways wherein they never have to question where they stand with me. I am full of forgiveness. I usually don’t talk much anymore, but am always an active listener. You will have my full attention, and I will walk with you.
I will walk with you, then I will return to the road less travelled where I wonder who will ever walk with me. Who will be all these things that I am for me? Even more I wonder, who will do so by choice and not by force of honor or guilt. Who, other than me, wants to be all these things. Who wants just to be a simple and good person for the sake of being a simple and good person. Who knows the consequences of kindness and does it anyway? There are others like me, but it is the road less travelled.