Spike: You know what’s wrong?
Simon: People treating politics like a team sport?
Spike blinks blankly.
Spike: We don’t adventure anymore.
Spike takes a drink.
Simon turns and puts his back to the bar. It’s quiet in the pub. It’s early afternoon in Divinity’s Reach.
Simon: We were headed towards Wizard’s tower, you know.
Spike takes another drink
Spike: Yeah, I know. I just don’t know, dood.
Simon’s flame flickers a bit.
Simon: Make up your mind.
Spike: What if we never find her? Even then, what do we do once we do? I’ve been thinking. Why are we doing this?
Simon sits back down: We’re pretty useless as is. Other than beating up ye olde henchmen we have no direction in life.
Spike takes a big drink and orders two more.
Spike: RIGHT?! People are @#$%ing floating around on all sorts of winged contraptions everywhere, every race on the planet gets along –
Simon: -Except dragons and the undead –
Spike: -except dragons and – wait, what? Are undead a race?
Simon looks at the camera: Are they?
Spike wonders aloud where his drinks are: One of these days you’re going to tell me who you’re talking to.
Simon offers a smile and a shrug.
Spike looks at the bottom of his mug: You can’t even vanquish anything. Everywhere you go there are people to kill. You come back the way you came and there are more! It’s like ‘I swear I just killed you…’
Simon doesn’t know what to say.
Spike: …and we’ve been essentially dead for, like, 250 years. We don’t know WTF is going on anymore. If – IF – Crysania is still around: she is a true god, she has a new krewe, or she’s some inaccessible hermit.
Simon: …so, we just sit here and drink for the rest of all time?
Spike finally gets his two more drinks.
Spike: Do you have a better idea?
Simon: Well, yes. I can’t drink, for starters, so sitting here forever doesn’t sound all that ideal.
Spike drinks Simon’s share in one go.
Simon continues: And for the rest of time could be quite a while.
Spike shrugs: We already saved the world once, @#$% ’em.
Simon grumbles: The thought of taking down a dragon doesn’t intrigue you?
Spike curls his lip: meh.
Simon: So you don’t care about finding Crysania. You don’t want to take down a dragon…
Simon hmms.
Simon: How about tipping over a cow?
Spike slams his mug down with excitement: NOW YOU’RE TALKING!
The bartender drops his towel, and his jaw, in sheer disbelief.
Spike: We have to be sneaky about it!
Simon nods:
Spike: In-and-Out, no witnesses.
Simon nods with enthusiasm.
Spike, with authority: Barkeep, where can we find some cows?
The bewildered barkeep: Just south of here? In Queensdale? The farms?
Spike drops some coin on the bar: We must be off!
Simon leaps off his stool and strides out of the bar with his reinvigorated companion.
Barkeep: What was with those two?
Patron 1 shrugs helplessly.
—
Colonel Spike: Soldier Simon, night has fallen!
Soldier Simon: Sir, yes sir!
Colonel Spike: Son, your @#$%ing head is messing with my night vision.
Soldier Simon: Sir, yes sir!
Colonel Spike: Soldier, we must infiltrate that compound-
Simon: -You mean that fence that barely keeps anything in?
Colonel Spike: And safely maneuver around the minefield-
Simon: Cow Poop. Don’t crawl in the poop.
Colonel Spike: -To neutralize our objective.
Simon: Tip over the cow.
A patrolling guard approaches Colonel Spike from behind and wonders what the shouting is about.
Guard 1: What’s all this noise-
A started Colonel Spike whips around and yells “JUDO CHOP” fairly loudly, landing a devastating blow to the base of the guard’s neck, rendering him instantly unconscious. Without hesitation, Colonel Spike drags the limp body of the guard into the bushes and composes himself.
Colonel Spike clears his throat: Are we clear?
Simon represses a giggle: Yep.
Colonel Spike: I didn’t hear you!
Solder Simon plays along: Sir, yes sir!
The pair begin to low crawl from the bushes towards the farm proper. Inch by inch they get closer to their destination and the smile cannot be wiped from Colonel Spike’s face.
Colonel Spike: @#$%, son. Stay behind me. I can’t see a damned thing with you so close.
Simon sighs and drops back a bit.
They crawl under the wooden log fence. Simon makes a series of hand gestures every time they find a ‘mine’ and finally they find a disinterested looking cow, who’s already laying down. They all are. It’s night time.
Colonel Spike: Soldier, how do we get it to stand up…so we can knock it back down again?
Simon snorts.
Before anything else could be said, Colonel Spike produces a dagger and pokes the cow. The cow leaps to its feet and moos loudly. The other cows follow suit and Simon quickly realizes they are in prime stampede territory.
Simon stands up and grabs Spike by the shoulders and yanks him to his feet. All the commotion attracted the farmer, who poked his head out to see a fire in the middle of his field and all his cows in a bit of a frenzy.
Farmer 1: FIRE! FIRE!
Simon: @#$%, Run!
Colonel Spike: Abort! Retreat!
The pair run frantically back from where they came and found the guard groggily coming back to his feet.
“JUDO CHOP” and back the guard collapsed into the bushes.
Simon: Why did you poke the cow?
Spike: How were we going to tip a cow that was already laying down?
Simon: Were you trying to get us trampled?
Spike, flustered: You’re a towel.
Spike and Simon sit back and it’s not long before Spike realizes he has poop all over his boots.
Spike: Oh, @#$% me. I -just- cleaned these.
Simon laughs, and laughs harder when he finds his boots are clean.
Spike: @#$%, what am I doing to do? I don’t want to walk around with poopy boots.
Simon: I think that’s my new name for you. Sir Poopyboots.
Spike: I’ll kill you.
Simon: We’re already dead.
Spike: I’ll…double kill you?
Simon blows a kiss and sets fire to the poop on Spike’s boots.
Spike starts coughing and gagging: WTF DOOD! Why would you do that? That smells like…well like @#$%.
Spike gets up and walks away, but continues to cough.
Spike: God damn it, It follows me. That’s just wrong.
Simon cackles with glee.
Simon: Well, Sir Poopyboots – You’re just going to have to scrub a little bit harder now.
Spike: Oh that’s it mother@#$%er, it’s on.
And that was the last we saw of Spike and Simon that night, Sir Poopyboots chasing Simon around Queensdale.
References:
Austin Powers
South Park