Dear Diary,
I want to say something akin to ‘I’ve been gradually digging into deeper layers of understanding,’ but in reality, we get buried underneath a great deal of extraneous ‘stuff’ from a host of external sources. However, the more we understand, the lighter we feel, because we remove those needless layers of ‘stuff’ and expose ourselves to the actual world around us. We don’t ‘dig’ into ‘deeper’ layers of understanding; ironically, the more we understand, the closer to the surface we rise. By the time we learn how to sit comfortably with ourselves on the surface (and not allow ourselves to get buried anymore), there is a level of cosmic humor, the level of simplicity required to achieve it all. For a while now, however, I’ve been oscillating between calmness and anxiousness, and I couldn’t figure out why until I, once again, exhausted myself well beyond any point of health.
One of the final things left for me to let go of was meaning itself. I was attached to the notion everything had to have a meaning or purpose. We feel purpose as a burden we must bear to its conclusion or suffer a negative consequence worse than the burden itself. My burden is always to become or achieve something; I’m always pushing myself to change and grow: to improve. If I succeeded in evolving, I would have justified the original meaning or purpose, go me. However, I can say with absolute certainty I’ve rarely taken pride in my ‘achievements.’ I was ingrained from a quite young age with an attitude wherein ‘perfection is the standard, and we don’t celebrate the standard.’ The other side of that coin is failures are met with swift punishment, and we get right back at it.
If you’re asking questions along the line of ‘Well, who says everything needs to have a meaning?” or “Who is holding you accountable for all this?” You get it; you understand. There is no central authority dictating our purpose. There is no singular clock we all punch in and out of every day. In my struggles to be seen, to be valued, I ran myself ragged. I tried not just to educate, but I wanted to help shake people free from apathy, anger, anxiety, and more. My attempts weren’t the problem per se, but it’s how I went about them. The people who come to me or engage with me with an open heart in good faith have never been the issue – regardless of outcome. However, I used to try to pursue those whose hearts were closed, thinking I could help anyway, but we can’t help those who don’t want help.
There is a significant difference between something being meaningful and feeling compelled to create meaning. We often do things for ourselves and others with meaning attached, but despite my skill at being present, I am not yet skilled at doing something just to do it. I’ve encouraged people to create for the joy of creating for years now, yet, across the over one thousand pieces I’ve made across visual, aural, and written media, almost all of them had a story (read: pre-existing meaning or purpose) behind them, driving their creation. I have yet to complete a single piece of music since my last Mother Machine project because ‘I have nothing to say.’ I don’t yet know how to make something just for the fun of it.
I feel I’ve reached the surface, and the world is beautiful. I’ve dipped my feet into the water, and the sensation is as refreshing as I always knew it could be, but my spirit is only now experiencing its first glimpses of calm. Unfortunately, for many people like me who have known little but conflict, its absence only means a time to stay on high alert and prepare. There’s a reason I sleep during the morning, as most offensive operations happen at night, and my body still will not relent. I can be thoughtful and compassionate while also learning not to take life so seriously.
Knowing what to do and doing it are two entirely different matters. I’ve always been a person of action, and the path before me now isn’t necessarily to ‘do’ less, but it is absolutely to force less, chase less, and enjoy more. The path before me now is to enjoy spontaneity simply because the (insert action here) sounds nice, not because it advances some bigger picture. Rather, to view the spontaneity of the mundane as advancing the bigger picture of enjoying the peaceful life I’ve always craved but never (felt I) deserved. (*1)
I’ve come this far. What’s one more? It’s only letting go of something intrinsic to who I’ve been for longer than I can remember. Simple but not easy, right?
reBLUEvinate!
(*1) I know part of why I have always held on to meaning was thinking about combat-related concerns. I have and will never get to ask the families whose lives we (including me personally) permanently destroyed, ripped apart, or irredeemably altered for any sort of closure. It has never felt right to unilaterally decide to be peaceful and happy while they are still without their homes and family members. I don’t have the answers about when it is ok to put it down, but I do know living in a culture that openly chooses to protect pedophiles and corrupt capitalists over doing the right thing at almost any available opportunity doesn’t help – if I yearn for accountability, it starts with me, no?