Dear Diary,
How often have you seen a younger person make a mistake that frustrated you because you knew better? It could be a remark made out of ignorance, a comment made with full confidence showing they don’t grasp the full picture. Perhaps you’ve seen an elder make a mistake and wonder why, assuming because you know something, they must automatically have had an experience covering yours because they are older? Such a feeling is unsurprisingly common in the workplace: how the imperfections of a supervisor become a focal point, covering the actual frustration, the feeling you should have been promoted instead.
Perhaps you look at your past self and treat yourself poorly because you believe you should have known something before you learned it. In the Garden of Eden story, God punishes humanity for eating from the Tree of Knowledge and learning what good and evil are (*1). This means humanity did not physically understand evil beforehand but was eternally punished anyway; such behavior is akin to kicking a toddler out of your house for grabbing a toy you told them not to, before their brain has developed enough to understand rules, consequences, etc.
How many times have we experienced a single action from an individual and wanted to judge them? Perhaps they were rude in traffic, and you react by deeming their entire being something unsavory? In all of these cases, we project something about ourselves onto someone else and then punish them for it. The youth are punished for being young, our elders for having a different pool of experiences, our past for learning something just after we needed the lesson, and normal everyday people for making a normal everyday mistake. For the latter, it is doubly important to remember we don’t know why; assuming malice when we haven’t observed any is just further projection of our temporary frustration onto them.
By letting go of projecting ourselves onto others, we will find a sense of relief (*2). When we project ourselves onto something, we feel a sense of ownership, and therein lies a large part of the problem. Our ownership was not earned; it was not requested; we assumed it through emotional and mental unilateral attachment; then, when the attached person or situation failed to change to our desire, we suffer (*3). The relief comes from allowing thoughts and observations to come and go without needing to grasp and control them, freeing up a lot of otherwise wasted time and energy. The autumn leaves will enrich the soil covered by the peaceful snow, and new plants will arise next spring.
To let go of projecting ourselves onto others is to unlearn a skill we’ve executed so many times throughout our lives we ceased being aware of it. We’ve gone from experiencing an event to determining how we feel about how the event impacts us to forming a judgment based on our feelings so quickly we no longer even see the steps. We don’t understand our projections are so often based on feelings, and not the event itself. It takes practice to let a thought arise, and simply watch it go without needing to feel an ownership of it. It takes practice to experience an emotion and understand an emotion is present instead of “I am this emotion.” However, in time, it is absolutely possible to see that kid grab that toy and not take it personally or become frustrated, because your life path may have taught you better by now, but you know theirs hasn’t yet, and that’s ok.
(*1) Yes, I’m aware there was a talking snake trying to convince humanity to do it, but my point still stands in that a humanity incapable of knowing what evil was had no reason of mistrusting anyone. That’s the truly tragic thing about trauma, the removal of innocence and the inability to trust, be open, love freely, etc., because the understanding of future potential pain is there.
(*2) Others include our past and future selves. Our past self is unchangeable; you did the best you could with what you had. If you focus too much on applying pressure to your future self, the tension of today will never cease.
(*3) Why would the person or situation change simply because we projected ourselves onto it? It was never ours to change in the first place!