Dear Diary, …When Issues Collide
Dear Diary, I’ve been adrift in space for a long time. Year in and year out, I haven’t had people walk this journey with me, and it’s been depressing figuring out so much by myself. While I ultimately understand everyone has to realize answers for themselves, my human contact is generally limited to brief, professional chats. My personal contacts are mostly just words on the screen, lacking depth and staying power. What relationships I have been able to form in-person over the last many years, unfortunately, have ended up being brief, regardless of circumstance.
People who decide I am not worth their interest, along with people who only want me to suit their ends, has been something I’ve struggled with for ages. I learned long ago that we need to invest in one another’s interests simply because we care about them, regardless of whether those interests are of the same value to us. Allowing them to show their passions, progress, and struggles is meaningful even if we may not understand it all. I have, historically, not been allowed such opportunities from others. Over years and faces, I learned it wasn’t worth trying to share; it wasn’t worth investing pride in, I shouldn’t be attached to my work. I learned to quietly try to express myself just enough to accomplish what I needed to, then let it go and try to forget about it. I have been successful, my ability to recall my works is poor.
Previous to the journey I am now, I had a different path. The path I walked led me to places I did not want to go. I did things I still feel I’ll never be able to atone for, and I wish credit being assigned to me wasn’t required. I find myself now in this dichotomy wherein I had a time wherein my actions force me to take responsibility for them and I’m remorseful, and a time following that wherein I’ve learned not to take credit for much of a body of work, even though some of it makes me happy to re-experience. I am not the person I was fifteen, twenty years ago, but I don’t understand why I’ve been unable to have people stick around.
I was asked if when I work, “am I doing it 100%?” In my mind, I want to answer ‘Yes.’ In the moments I am doing things, like this diary entry right now, I am expressive and thoughtful. Their counterpoint was that my avoidance of taking pride in my work, shying away from taking proper credit, minimizing compliments and accomplishments means that I am not actually doing it 100%.’ I am unsure how much I agree, but I understand the idea. On the one hand, I do not produce pieces for other people; on the other hand, I enjoy when other people find some form of fulfillment from my work. My mind goes back to a thought I find liberating-
“Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity” -Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 9.
The more I understood this chapter, the happier I’ve been. As I’ve let go of the pain of abandonment some and stopped chasing validation from sources that will never give it, there was a lightening of a burden on my end. Yes, my life got quieter, but I found space to work more positively in the absence of stress. I may not take pride in my work in the same manner that other people do, but I am still always available to lend a helping hand.
I’m in a temporary environment wherein there is much anger in the atmosphere. The topics at hand, and the discussions surrounding them, are designed to address deep-seated issues within those present. I do not relate to anger much, but as I wrote in the last entry (Rush Limbaugh’s Death) there are times where I am confronted with it. My experiences with anger have been overwhelmingly negative, I’ve watched people destroy again and again, and I don’t want to be that person. I’ve meditated extensively and came to an understanding of how anger drives us to protect something. Understanding what we need to protect can help us wield anger instead of being wielded by it. While I felt irritated at myself for becoming angrier than I wanted to be, the lesson was actually about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is relieving someone of the burden of change. Forgiveness is letting someone know that everything is ok and that we can continue on the path we have set currently. Guilt, however, is the feeling we need to change something inside ourselves. I wish I could go back in time and change actions, courses of events, but alas, that is impossible. I’ve been able to come more to a sense of peace with ‘doing my work and stepping back’ in the present tense but not forgiving myself with specific actions that happened long ago. I haven’t been able to relieve myself of the burden of changing things that are impossible to change. I, perhaps, give myself too much credit in one time period and not enough in another.
In the Art of War, Sun Tzu wrote, “Whilst you are unsure of victory, defend…” Although he spoke from an aspect of military strategy, I feel this has applied to moments in my emotional life and my relationships with others. I became worn down to the point I thought I had nothing left to lose and no longer cared about ‘victory’ or ‘defeat.’ I could put myself out there, and if I was abandoned, rejected, or ignored once more, I could simply throw it on the pile. When I had conversations with people from behind their walls, waiting until they knew they would ‘win,’ letting them had no consequence to me. Their sense of victory was essential to them; I was happy to engage.
Over time, hollow interactions lost their charm. It was nice for a bit to listen to people’s passions, but my needs were unfulfilled. I didn’t have the answers to develop a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with someone. I still had some old friends, but they are still mostly words on screen in other time zones and don’t care about which I need someone to care. The present, however, is brighter in ways difficult for me to comprehend fully, and I’m trying my best to be mindful that my issues collide in some relevant areas. It is hard for me to take credit for things I do well. It is difficult for me to believe I’m worth investing in and won’t be dropped when things become inconvenient. It’s hard to believe that I am worth it after receiving the message otherwise for so long. I want to believe I am and am trying to do just that.
The path to forgiveness and acceptance is long. There are many things about myself I’m not particularly fond of, limitations I’d rather not have, but I can say I do give things 100%.