Dear Diary,
What does it mean to rest? What is rest? Is rest something we do actively? As I get deeper into my meditations about healing, I am learning I am abysmal at resting. When my pain level rises beyond usual daily limitations, I try to figure out how to relax enough to survive the day physically. However, my mental state never tones down to match in doing so. Similarly, when I try to do something mentally calming, I keep my body tense and alert. Attempting to accomplish a relaxed state mentally and physically proves elusive and achieved unintentionally.
Currently, I think of rest as being in a state of peace. I am smiling at the sunshine and the visiting birds. I appreciate my older recordings and allow myself to write this piece slowly. Despite the positive mental impacts, I feel much tension in my neck and shoulders. I am moving my posture around and giving myself breaks, but I essentially feel incapable of relaxing. I observe my eyes twitch as I glance back and forth from the window to the screen. I have already taken a bike ride and a walk today, but it only provides a momentary distraction.
I became stuck on this question of ‘what is rest’ for some time. How does done enter into a more peaceful state? I remind myself, ‘what we practice grows stronger,’ and it occurs to me peace is often a lack of focus. By focusing on our sources of pain, we exacerbate them. Pain is not to be ignored, but there is a balance of acknowledging it without participating in it. By shifting our focus away from the pain, it lessens. Having less pain is not the result of rest but is the process of resting.
How often do we engage in tasks not requiring our full attention? While being present is an essential facet of life, it is another tool to be managed. I can maintain awareness of my pain without needing to sit with it and actively divert my attention to it. Rest is found through bringing our attention to areas of our life containing little stress. Perhaps we watch the clouds pass by for a bit and breathe. Maybe we roll the windows down and feel the air move around us. We could engage in a pleasurable activity to allow ourselves to rest actively. Cooking, going for a walk, singing along to a playlist, doodling on the edges of a page – all things we can find rest in doing.
I struggle to sleep. It is a chief concern regarding my overall well-being. When I lay down, my mind wants to become more active, and I struggle to relax. I am not yet skilled at allowing myself to put my thoughts down and unfocus for the night. The closest I accomplish is focusing on the music I listen to so I don’t have to listen to my ears ring. I divert my attention away from counter-productive thoughts to rest by focusing on my music. I am aware I need to work on the sources of these thoughts, and I’m trying my best. It is ok for me not to be an intense individual all the time, and I’m trying to be successful with this intention.
Rest is something we do, but it also is something we are. We have a considerable amount of control, anxiety aside, of where we channel our attention. We will feel that pain more acutely if we think about pain actively. If we instead try our best to keep our focus on sources of joy, or at least allow ourselves to unfocus and let our minds wander where they will, we enable ourselves to lower stress levels.
We don’t mentally shine a magnifying glass exclusively on problem areas in a rested state. Keeping our perspective about what is going right, or at least not judging things at all, allows us to take the bad in stride. Yes, there are times when pain and stress demand our attention, but it isn’t a place we have to live forever. It is ok to acknowledge the pain and pursue other avenues. By going down the directions of our choosing, we can find more peaceful patches and enjoy them for what they are. Allow your mind to wander, allow yourself to acknowledge without participating, allow yourself to rest; you are worth it.