Dear Diary,
Rest is doing any activity, including none, for which we feel better having done. How often do we engage in things which make us feel worse? Trying to understand why we do this is unanswerable; the sheer number of reasons is beyond our ability to count and comprehend. Let’s call this divergent path taking us away from rest, fighting. We fight ourselves because we don’t want to go down this path, but we feel trapped or compelled by some other force or consequence. Fighting is an activity we feel worse for having done by spending energy away from where we want to invest.
I’ve been fighting for twenty years now. I was politically active, but I’ve been fighting my past more intensely. I’ve done things that I still lament today as a combat veteran. Academically, I am aware the past cannot be changed, but I’ve been unable to let go emotionally. I feel I would not be honoring the memory of the fallen by shrugging my shoulders and proclaiming, ‘welp, nothing can be done about it.’ Although I am not that insensitive, that’s the essence of what I feel would happen if I didn’t continuously try to figure out how to make peace with the situation.
Recently, I passed the 20-year mark of enlistment. I am retired, and crossing this threshold began to alleviate the burden of the fight. A switch flipped in my mind saying it is no longer my fight; the next generation is engaged in theirs now. I am not and won’t ever condone my actions, but I am beginning to feel my obligation to atone for it diminish actively. It is slowly transitioning from a place I felt compelled to spend my energy on to a painful memory requiring no further action. I am arriving at a place where I can practice non-action, which makes me feel better by not continuously feeling worse.
Sometimes transitioning something from an active pain to a passive pain is the best we can do. Yes, when we have a direct trigger, we will react to it, but the pain doesn’t otherwise interfere in our daily lives. It is impossible to heal and rest while we are still fighting, so the cessation of the fight is beneficial in and of itself. Fighting is a state of doing, and the ability to shift into a state of being allows us to regain and re-channel our energy in the direction of our choosing when we are ready to choose. I am finding I need more time to decide.
I have actively suffered due to events overseas for so long it became an unwanted and unintended part of my identity. I didn’t go around waving flags and telling tall tales, but the wounds were visible to anyone willing to notice. I knew this and disliked drawing attention to myself, particularly the parts of me I am least proud of, so my choice was to avoid people altogether. While I still prefer solitude or, at most small groups, I am hoping as I move further past this point of retirement, I’ll be less afraid of being noticed.
Meditation is an umbrella of techniques for us to learn how to command our attention, to train it to stay where we place it. As I become more rested and have the energy to meditate, I’m hoping the dark parts of my past will no longer wrap around my little idea of identity. I don’t yet know what will replace it but that is ok; I have time; I am, after all, retired now. I will do my best to remind myself it is ok to be for a while as I figure out what is next. I know I’d like to teach but beyond that? I’ll let that inspiration come of its own. I am not forgiving myself, I am just putting down the fight, and for now, that’s ok.