2025 : A Year of Compassion

All posts and relevant context will go here in order of creation (or relevancy)

2025 : A Year of Compassion (Intro)

I initially wanted 2025 to be A Year of Focus. 2024 got away from me; it felt like the bad news piled on, and I lost myself just trying to do my best day to day. My instinct is to try to work harder, but as I’ve come to learn, that’s been a contributor to the problems at times. If ‘work harder’ was the solution to everything, our world would look drastically different. I know in my heart if I could be doing something, I would be doing it already, so having a Year of Focus wasn’t the correct answer. My second instinct is to ask, ‘Why?’ Why can I not accomplish what I’m attempting to at the time I’m attempting it? Such a self-analysis led me to realize I’ve been treating myself poorly, and before I can focus the way I want to, I must learn to be compassionate with myself.

What is Compassion? At the level most of us have right now, compassion is some form of caring about something that doesn’t impact us or forgiving something that does. However, compassion at a deeper level does not have to forgive at all as we never made a judgment to begin with – and being most of us sit with regrets about our past, we haven’t reached this level yet. Compassion requires detachment, but westerners don’t understand detachment either. Westerners think detachment is apathy, something elections show they’re good at. Detachment only means we remain stable in a changing world or put similarly – something else can change, but that change doesn’t automatically force us to respond.

My instinct to work harder stems from a powerful imposter syndrome, one that is going to take a lot of hard work to quell. As I sit here and meditate on it, I become saddened as I get a better sense of just how far-reaching it is, from my past to my work to my relationships. It is deep-seated and influential. I know one of the consequences of it is I refuse to allow to see myself as others do. Others compliment me, and while I generally do not doubt their authenticity, I refuse to allow myself to view myself in the same light.

I’m not where I want to be with my health, my house, my ability to be creative, or my ability to rest. I have stripped my ability to enjoy life in multiple instances and have mainly become either anxious or exhausted. I address this by trying to ‘soldier through’ it and, get things done in spite of anything, and manage life waiting for the next bit of bad news. I’m glad that through all of this my ability to be kind and thoughtful to others has remained a strongsuit, as such I know I’m capable of doing it, I merely need to learn to apply it to myself.

I harbor a deep inward anger and an equally deep outward hope. Yes, there are a select few others I am angry with, but those are the war profiteers and the exploiters making lives worse for us all – the everyperson trying to get by is generally good, even if they have trouble showing it through the scars of the system. I know I’m a typically good person, too, but I’m very aware my outward expressions have been more painful than I’d like for far too long. Before I can (A Year of) Focus on it, I need to be compassionate with myself. Only endlessly working harder isn’t the answer, even if my heart is in the right place. I know I have positive things to offer, and I’d like that to be the core of how I see myself as opposed to accidental successes. I’d like to believe in myself, and that will take time and practice.

Watching Villages Burn

18 Sep 2020

Twenty years ago, I was the Editor for the newspaper, discussing Bush v. Gore and trying to ensure maximum voter participation. I could not have guessed how against the will of the popular vote, court-ordered cessations of recounts in a state with direct family ties to the would-be winner. The election was gifted to an administration who could continue the GOP time-honored tradition of burning down villages. I was angry, but I didn’t understand the gravity of what was about to be set in motion; few of us did.

The anger had not yet subsided when 9/11 happened. I remember how 9/11 was presented didn’t feel right; the images, the narrative, and mostly what the Bush administration did in response left a deep unsettled feeling in me. Shortly after, I was a part of the intelligence services hoping to learn a greater truth. Whether I like it or not, I’ve learned vastly more than I ever bargained for, and there is no returning to a state of ignorance. I was helpless as in the wake of 9/11, the USA’s ugly authoritarian side was given fresh life to rise and become even more ruthless and exploitative. As mass surveillance was given the green light and other rights continued to be stripped, I was off to war.

War is hell, a sentiment shared by countless individuals spanning the length and breadth of the human experience for hundreds of thousands of years. In the chaos of all the moving parts and the speed of the operational tempo, my base persona shone. I demonstrated myself to be relentlessly compassionate and deeply troubled, likely the only things still accurate today. I understood we invaded the wrong country. I was angered by those in my uniform who killed out of racism and revenge. I wanted to help those who acted in a manner virtually identical to how we would if we were invaded. The value of people because they are people was reinforced down to the core of my being.

Those trying to carve out a small pocket of solace and stability in a swiftly de-stabilized homeland were given ogre’s choices, ultimatums, from bad-faith actors on different fronts. While we were no saints, making widows and orphans in another man’s kingdom, extremist forces on their side would also kill them for working with us. I saw that in real-time, in person. I experienced people who proclaimed themselves authority figures use fear to manipulate people and do their best to destroy whoever did not comply. They would label whoever did not conform and then eradicate all those with said label. I watched with a growing despair, a confused helplessness as burned wreckage and human remains were left as messages to those who dared to defy. The Defense Contractors were the only winners in the war, and eventually, I came “home.”

I’ve spent many years trying to get past despair, confusion, and helplessness. I am far less confused, but only because I have a greater understanding of how deep the rabbit hole goes on fear being used to manipulate people into compliance here in the USA. One needs not look far, a cursory look at how Christianity, White Supremacy, or any resistance to Late Stage Capitalism has been wielded and fear is in the DNA of the USA. One or multiples of those three had caused villages to have been burned here since at least 1619 when slaves arrived at the Virginia colony, but likely even earlier when white men devalued indigenous peoples.

Now, a new digital landscape arises in Social Media. This instantaneous gratification satisfies the American appetite and gives a hungry and radicalized audience everything they need to gorge themselves. Instead of just individual isolated voices or outlets, like Limbaugh or Fox News, the firehose is endless. Overnight, people were inundated with techniques they’ve never seen before, and it worked. You no longer need strictly nuanced approaches like Reagan’s War on Drugs, which was a dog-whistled way to go after minorities, while at the same time doing nothing about the AIDS crisis. If the prisons fill with ‘them,’ the justification is always going to be, “they shouldn’t have done anything illegal.” I imagine these same people would turn over German Jews and Jesus, that is following the law. Villages were burning, but it was ok; it was ‘their’ villages.

I watch with the same despair and helplessness as there are still some dog-whistled approaches, voices screaming about the dangers of suburbs dying and different types of housing ‘invading.’ Those don’t need to be as prevalent anymore. As the Senate has abdicated its responsibilities to govern, it is poisoning the judiciary branch with malicious intent, and we have a malignant narcissist in the Oval Office who views a pandemic approximately seventy 9/11s in casualties as ‘acceptable.’ The Late Stage Capitalists are cheering as they hoover up wealth at the expense of us all with no moral compass other than the one that points to themselves. People who view themselves authority figures are killing people in the streets with wanton abandon. Citizens in the streets with a clear desire for peace shout their consent to be governed via authoritarianism is not being given. I watch villages burn here, and the parallels between here and there hurt.

My life has been a constant struggle to put out the fires. I am one person in a world of people who profit from the fires and who view equality as oppression. I am not alone; I am a part of a long lineage of honorable women and men who have wanted little more than to be valued as people because they are people, and the opportunity to contribute to the chorus of the world with their unique voice. It is difficult right now when everywhere you turn, there are the forces of religious, racial (social), and economic oppression and their defenders, and they’ve allied, mainly, in one political party.

I used to think this period was just a dark stain on our history, instead of understanding it’s an accumulation of decades of effort from people rotting us from the inside. When I returned from living abroad, the culture shock that hit me was tangible. The America I returned to wasn’t the one I left. In truth, the America I departed was just a naive romanticization from a youthful idealist whose innocence hadn’t yet been entirely destroyed. I was not a social child, but even as a kid, I had little patience for immaturity. As a teenager, I was frustrated by a church that had no answers for applying critical thought to mythology. I was learning how difficult it was to reason your way out of a position when one did not reason themselves into that position. I have this struggle now with the theocrats, the racists, the authoritarians, etc. We are often at an impasse wherein their views of a white Christian utopia does not exist, but if I’ve learned anything lately is reality is a village that has to match their agenda, or it gets burned. I’ve had enough of watching villages burn.

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I was working on this piece for sometime when the news broke of RBG’s passing. I started crying as I knew life was going to get even worse. I want to take tonight to celebrate her accomplishments before I wake up tomorrow to mourn her passing, but I can’t. Plato is quoted to have said only dead men know peace. The forces of evil determined to prevent America from being a better version of itself are a constant reminder he was right.

Toward What or Who am I being Compassionate? (2025 : Part 2)

I am reminded of why monks live in monasteries. Monastic life, on the one hand, has its tasks to accomplish while never letting you forget that you and the environment are one and the same. On the other hand, monastic life does not inundate you with news of outside events. The news is painfully negative at the best of times, but what’s truly sad is the almost gleeful coverage of events during the worst of times. Having compassion means our hearts go out to those suffering, but it is easy to become drained hearing one negative outcome after another. The real tragedy is that’s by design.

Southern California burns; it’s a topic difficult to discuss. Obviously, we don’t want to see anyone get hurt in the fire. Seeing people online take pleasure in watching those they politically disagree with suffer like this is another daily reminder of the social wildfires started and spread constantly by those who don’t want us as a united people. Matters are only made worse when, at the bottom of my heart, I know the everyperson who was living in those communities and lost everything will be priced out of coming back a lot more than the exploiters who will rebuild themselves into a more exclusive community.

France recently took to the streets and celebrated the death of Le Pen. “Good Manners” and “Decorum” say we shouldn’t do such things. I’ve thought about this for some time, and I am torn about the matter. The French aren’t afraid to show outward anger towards a system that is profoundly flawed and want people to believe they are powerless to change it. Here in the USA, such anger is directed toward wildfire victims, or worse – shooting a school or attacking the capital. So, celebrating a death seems very rude on the surface, but the relief of knowing that person isn’t going to do harm anymore is a powerful feeling that many of us don’t express openly. I think we should.

Beyond the principle “Democracy progresses one funeral at a time,” Toward what or who are we being compassionate? Recently, I was at an aquarium with a special soul. Part of the aquarium’s message was about invasive species and what the local biome would look like if conversation efforts failed. I look out my window at birds flying around and tree branches dancing in the wind, and I wonder how much worse the California fire is due to the removal of Oak Groves and us imposing our will on the environment again and again (*1). When I think of ‘us inserting our will’ as a form of invasive species, I immediately think of the Trumps, the Le Pens, the Limbaughs, and a whole host of others starting and spreading wildfires that are now out of control in their way and the damage done is already great, with no signs of containment ahead.

Toward what or who are we being compassionate? The answer has to be, first and foremost, ourselves, but how do we accomplish this without being ignorant or consumed? Detachment is part of the answer, but fostering a positive environment is another. When news large enough arrives requiring us to act, we can give earnestly and return to something rejuvenating. Another part of the answer is emotional integrity; when it is time to celebrate or mourn, we allow ourselves to do so. We’re not going to be in the streets celebrating every death, but for those select few that deserve it, be honest with our feelings. If we can’t be honest with ourselves, we have no hope of being truly compassionate. Unless we tune out entirely, I think it’s ok to be angry that more of the world is on fire than needs to be (*2). However, it’s also ok not to take on the weight of the world all on yourself; we are capable of wonderous things together.

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(*1) To be clear I’m not trying to place blame on any one person, developer, etc., I understand this situation was complicated by incredible winds and other factors.

(*2) Yes, we do set things on fire intentionally! In fact California, among other places, is in an area where regular burn cycles is part of its natural health.

2025 A Year of Compassion : Part 3 – The Pressures We Put on Ourselves.

Today is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We get to celebrate it by inaugurating a convicted felon, rapist, and fraud who is legally unable to operate charities in the state of NY. Exit polls demonstrate the criminal-in-chief’s primary support was uneducated white people, which have been the republican’s core base since before I was born. In April 1963, from jail, Dr. King wrote, “I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to ‘order’ than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice…”

The choice between Pain and Progress couldn’t have been any clearer, but Populism invents problems to give you solutions. The Right-Wing media sphere (social media especially) went into overdrive, blaming all of your problems on someone or something else – Trans people, Immigrants, etc. However, roughly 1.14% of the population (3 million people) are Trans, and yet they got the McCarthyism treatment. Immigrants were presented as lazy moochers draining tax dollar-funded resources and crafty job stealers simultaneously – but never a mention of the businesses who hire them.

The Fear and Hate Populism gives you is manufactured. If they can keep you focused on stripping Women’s Rights, Religious Equality, LGBTQ+ Rights, and more, then you won’t notice the worsening Wealth Inequality, Climate Change, and other pro-wealthy protections. President Lyndon B. Johnson summed it up nicely, “If you can convince the lowest white man he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll empty his pockets for you.” However, even back in the Roman days, Juvenal satirically remarked, “Two things only the people anxiously desire: bread and circuses,” showing if you can keep people fed and distracted, you can get away with much.

So, where does Compassion come into all of this? We, as people, typically want our lives to have a sense of meaning and purpose. When we are confronted with an understanding time and effort we spent on something “didn’t matter,” we tend to become angry about the waste (*1). We put enormous pressures on ourselves to perform in all aspects of our lives, trying to maintain a standard often given to us in our youth. We wrestle with moments in the past wherein we didn’t live up to this arbitrary standard, and we are wracked with guilt (*2). We look ourselves in the mirror and redouble our determination to do better; we reinforce that arbitrary standard in our minds. We could be continuously setting ourselves up for failure.

Today’s inauguration in the shadow of Dr. King strips meaning and hope from many. The question isn’t if things are going to get worse, but how much worse. The incoming grifter has exposed deep systemic corruption, but it’s mainly for his personal benefit. Compassion goes beyond forgiveness, healthy detachment, and positively reinforcing environments; Compassion helps us feel comfortable in our being. I continue to struggle with the concept of Atonement. I caused irreparable harm to others, and part of me survived to suffer the consequences of it. I’m in pain every day, I struggle with sleep, and I put in a great deal of conscious effort to combat my mood instabilities, anxiety, and internal struggles. I try my absolute best not to take my struggles out on anyone else, but I slip up here and there, and it destroys me inside.

Today’s inauguration of an actual evil man demonstrating accountability is sadly optional, but it has perversely pointed out an important point of the Compassion-Forgiveness relationship. Self-Compassion also means we can stop putting so much pressure on ourselves. Apathy is a popular drug in the USA, and I’m not advocating we go from white-knuckle grip to ‘who-gives-a-f,’ but there is a healthy middle ground. I have tried to do the right thing for decades, but I can’t, alone, combat the media bubbles people create for themselves. I have felt tremendous guilt for spending money, but one cruise missile costs more than anything I’m going to spend in my life.

Self-Compassion means we can let ourselves remove the pressure we place on ourselves. Self-Compassion also means we can create meaning and purpose for ourselves instead of the manufactured fear and hate being pumped at us. By assigning meaning not only for ourselves but to ourselves, we can erect healthy boundaries and foster a conducive environment within them; we can forgive ourselves for the things in which there are no more lessons left to learn and let go of the pain which serves no more purpose. We can try to feel comfortable in our being, which we will need in the dark times ahead.

(*1) Quick Reminder: Anger comes from a place of protection. In this case we’re protecting our desire to put our time and energy into meaningful things. The waste is the point.

(*2) Quick Reminder: Guilt is the burden of change. Feeling guilt about the past beyond a certain point only hurts the self uselessly as we can’t change it. Forgiveness is the answer to guilt.

P.S. – Dr. King also wrote “shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.” The next time the choice between Pain and Progress (could be the Midterms in two years) presents itself, I hope we will choose progress with enthusiasm. We and the environment are one and the same. If we want to be Compassionate – we aren’t just voting for our interests but for the Trans community, The Immigrant community, the children from whom we are borrowing the planet etc.

2025 Part 4 : Of Compassion and Chronology

Compassion is a skill; being compassionate is succeeding in using said skill. Skills take practice to develop proficiency, and we shouldn’t expect perfection from ourselves (or anyone, really). In the West, we are used to flipping a switch and things working instantly. Beyond that, we’re often conditioned to respond (and expect responses) from people swiftly as well and negatively react when we don’t receive immediate feedback. We also carry in our pockets a device which will give us immediate feedback on demand 24/7. We have become accustomed to a request for stimulus to be met in a short timeframe.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty…” A more modern adage is, ‘there is no free lunch.’ Compassion is, at its core, something that relieves pain, but that does not at all mean the journey to get there is painfree. The journey to make a medicine takes significant effort to research, test, refine, review, and finally help as intended; compassion is a medicine of the heart, and it too takes effort to let go of the judgments and the pain and try to see more than just the immediate negatives.

Bad days or slip-ups are not in and of themselves indications we have abandoned the compassionate path. Sometimes it is hard to see our efforts reduced the severity of the slip-up in question as we were trying our best, but a little bit (of things we didn’t want) got through anyway. All we are focused on is the bit that got through as opposed to all that didn’t, how many times it didn’t, and how sincere our efforts are to mend internal and external bridges. The ‘perfect or catastrophe’ approach is another consequence of the modern busy lifestyle.

It is ok to slow down. The anxiety we feel is something that can fade in time as we let ourselves stop trying to ‘keep up.’ If we’re honest with ourselves, the ones who benefit most from all of us trying to ‘keep up’ don’t need the extra help anyway – especially now when they have the best government they can buy. By slowing down, we give ourselves a crucial opportunity – to ensure our actions align with our intentions (*1), which is itself a form of self-compassion. Working toward a goal we do not share will never bring us the peace and joy we yearn for.

Compassion takes time to implement fully, and we will know it is in full effect when it is effortless. If we’re still torn about something, we’re not there yet; if we still feel anxious about something, we’re not there yet. It could be we still have yet to learn everything about a lesson from the past; it could be we still have not let ourselves experience the totality of how we sincerely feel; it could be we have not taken action deep down we know we need to initiate. Compassion is a skill, and all skills only benefit from how earnestly you practice them. Take a breath; practice compassion. You are worth it.

(*1) – Activities in which our actions and intentions align is a definition of Meditation. Meditation can absolutely be part of a self-compassion practice. You could be deliberate and have a ‘Self-Compassion Meditation!’ What would that look like? Take a moment to reflect on yourself and the day – look at what you did that day in a positive light. Maybe you got some backlog done that you’ve been meaning to do. Maybe you successfully navigated some stressful moments (or people), and you can acknowledge yourself for it. Maybe you let yourself rest, breathe, and put the weight of the world down for a moment – which is important and overlooked in today’s world. Maybe you made progress on a big goal or project, and you feel good about it! We do things every day, and all it takes is a moment or two to stop and practice a bit of self-compassion in the form of acknowledgments and affirmations.