In the fantastic Underworld song ‘Juanita 2022’ there is a segment that goes:
‘When you walk away, you should walk away
When you walk away, you should walk away
When you walk away, you should walk away
When you walk away, you should walk away
Did you walk away, you should walk away
Did you walk away, you should walk away
Did you walk away, you should walk away’
I am a person of action and purpose. I like to ask people to describe themselves using four fictional characters. My answer to the question is Captain Hawkeye Pierce (M.A.S.H.), Amuro Rey (Mobile Suit Gundam), Prince Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z, Super, etc.), and Goro Majima (Yakuza / Like a Dragon). Over time, I’ve come to understand the things these four characters have in common are a strong sense of justice and loyalty, even if it means taking action that, in the moment, may seem contrary to what conventional wisdom would deem correct. I, like these four, can be relied upon to do the right thing, even if – or sometimes especially because of – our independent streak.
Another connection I made over time is all four of these characters are war-based. The scales of the war are different – from city-ish (regional, really) level to cosmic scale, but all four were forged in the crucible in battle, and just like me, the core of their being only brightened as the battles intensified. There is a high-energy, gruff, and sad scarred exterior covering a kind and driven interior. We have all been shaped by tragedy. All of us have tried to walk away and have been pulled back in.
I don’t often think of the Fourth of July weekend as a traumatic anniversary for me, certainly not on the same level as other notable periods during the year. However, when the Republicans rammed through their unpopular bill to cut healthcare, green energy, student loans, etc., the cruelty of it left me feeling angry and empty – a rare combination of emotions for me. Looking back on it, I wonder how primed I was to feel that way, already given all the fireworks and other artillery reminders in my area at the time and leading up to it. Yes, the bill itself is disastrous, but the combat reminders were an added factor that moved me even further in the one direction I didn’t need to be pushed.
Part of the reason I don’t think of the Fourth of July as a traumatic anniversary is my sincere yearning to put the war down and leave it behind me. “When you walk away, you should walk away.” I feel I keep trying to walk away, and maybe I will be successful for a time, but I can’t ever truly leave it all in the past, where it belongs. Another thing linking the four fictional characters and I together is helplessness. At a critical point in our stories, we have experienced an overwhelming feeling of loss and helplessness, as we understand the events unfolding around us, but there is little we can do to stop or alter them. The knowledge of our inability to prevent the impending consequences only amplifies the existing feelings of grief that arise from our awareness; this heightened emotional state turns inward and fuels our focused, driven nature further, sometimes with results we aren’t so proud of in the aftermath, despite our best intentions.
Healing is not linear. What bothers me most isn’t I need to walk further to get away; it is others who were exposed to my frustrations, and that brings me to yet another link between the four characters and me – our dedication to others. In my heart, I know I didn’t do anything “that bad,” but attracting negative attention to myself at all causes me significant anxiety—the final link (for this piece, anyway) between the characters and I, high self-expectations. I’m aware I need to practice self-compassion *a lot* more than I do, which has some irony attached to it considering how effortlessly proficient I am at it toward others.
For now, the fireworks have ceased, and the Republicans have delayed much of their poison until after the midterms in hopes of retaining their political power. In the meantime, I will continue to try to walk away from the worst of the war and fight where I can to create an environment wherein there will be fewer people like me created. It may be a foolish dream to want a world where people can chase their dreams wholeheartedly, but it’s the one I have. We’re far from that, in this age of cruelty. Sometimes nihilism seems so appealing, but it’s precisely attitudes like nihilism and apathy that create people like me.
Care when it hurts; we’re worth it.
reBLUEvinate.