I do my best to be present and mindful. I try to be aware of how my actions impact those around me. However, I try to think of things as a path upon which we walk. Generally speaking, I walk alone and not by choice. I have moments of peace and relative acceptance, and I try to take advantage of them to the best of my ability. For the most part, however, I feel as if I am continually managing fear dread and trying to convince myself the future will be better than the past.
I do not feel safe or secure. I wake up feeling like something terrible is about to happen, and often that feeling persists for most of the day. I have to push back against it to accomplish anything at all consciously. I am at my best when I can relax and let things flow through or around me. When I can accept my limitations and be content with what comparatively little, I can manage that day or the one person I helped that day. Being accompanied by these fearful party members on my journey prevents me from ever leaving a fight or flight state of being, despite exhausting and constant to efforts precisely to that effect.
I want to believe my nature is one of simplicity, kindness, patience, and compassion. I want to think I am worth wanting, and my journey is not confined to isolation forever. I have lived in the dark, cold, quiet environments for most of my life. I wouldn’t mind something a little brighter, a little warmer, more cheerful, and I long for a reciprocal connection. I’m trying my best to be worthy of such things, and not exiled to a lonely existence of being trapped by anxiety and dominated by fear. I have been walking this path already for a great many steps.
I try not to dwell on things beyond my control. However, fear and anxiety should be within my control. I feel I should be able to put them down or let them flow around me rather than struggle so hard within me. I go from numb to overwhelmed and back to numb again. I’ll find myself quietly crying to myself as a release mechanism, and then afterward doing daily tasks in the quiet after the tears. I know what I want to do, but I don’t know how to do it. I wish I didn’t live in such silence, but I tried and lost that war. I am confident when life re-opens, some of this will resolve itself when I’m back in the gym I will feel better about myself and the noises of the place will be comforting in its own right.
As I sit here, however, fighting a battle entirely in my mind, I am embarrassed to be losing. I am actively trying to do more than survive throughout the day. I want the future to be better; more of the same is crushing to me. I’m trying to show people hope by example, initiative, forgiveness, and other things I so desperately need. Perhaps I am going about everything all wrong. Maybe my goals are unreasonable. I would like not to be always fighting off the feeling of impending doom, get out of fight or flight mode, and I would like to feel valued. I want someone to want me on their journey, too, not just as a convenient solution to a problem along the way.