Dear Diary,
How do we create hope in dark times? The simple answer is we focus on the correct priorities – the right intentions. The long answer is much more complicated, as life tends to be. For almost my entire adult life, I’ve perpetuated a massive imposter syndrome with virtually every aspect of myself. I refused to take more than a momentary, reactionary level of pride in any of my accomplishments; I often refused to acknowledge them as such initially. I fell into this mentality of, ‘perfection is the standard, and we don’t celebrate achieving the standard.’ I did, however, attempt to operate a duality with the said mentality and a solid tendency to punish myself for every minor failure, real or perceived. I tried my best to soldier through all events life threw at me, including those beyond my abilities, to avoid people judging me as malingering.
I invested only in my failures and in attempting to prevent more. The emotional investment is another way of saying I only assigned meaning to the bad things in life. Hope is the mechanism for meaning, and by not also giving value to my accomplishments, I trapped myself in a downward direction. To make matters worse, I didn’t understand hope is something created, not found. Through my lens only consisting of failure, I searched for hope and became despondent when none was to be found. I spent a considerable amount of time and energy focusing on ‘why’ I couldn’t find it while also telling myself my failure to do so justifies my poor self-worth.
The question ‘why’ is essential but can send us down the wrong path if pursued blindly. We are living beings in a constant state of change, and ‘why’ is often an incomplete answer. By exploring ‘why,’ we open ourselves up to more questions. Why is A? B. Why is B? During our examination of ‘why,’ we learn some harsh truths: the answers aren’t always what we want, they’re not available, or they’re not in our control. For example, I had a pretty nice couple of days wherein I felt somewhat refreshed. I watched the (New Years’) ball drop looking forward to closing one chapter and beginning another. I accomplished a goal years in the making and then fell off a cliff. The answer to why I fell into despair, anxiety, and suicidality is less in my control. My brain chemistry is such that long-term stability is challenging, tenuous, fragile, and often unreasonable to expect. I spent years trying to will myself in control of my fluctuations, attempting to cease them from occurring altogether. I spent years fighting the wrong enemy.
I will not likely become an expert in all things. Considering I lack the expertise required to answer ‘why’ to all my questions, investing so much time and energy into them becomes counter-productive. Instead, if I refocus on what meaning I give things, I become more successful. My most successful strategy has been ‘urge surfing,’ where I understand I’m being pulled towards something negative but ride it out by sitting on my hands and not acting. After the period of required non-action passes, I can begin to create hope within myself by being mindful of what has meaning and what path is worth rejoining. The answer to ‘what has meaning’ is much more within my control than ‘why’ is.
My struggle to cease punishing myself for being human endures. I will never achieve perfection, but I am slowly letting go of the need to try. The pursuit of perfection is incompatible with my intention of being present. The pursuit of perfection focuses on all my shortcomings, whereas being present yields an opportunity for joy to manifest itself. While factors not entirely in my control make living with intention more complicated, I can balance my desire not to make excuses with allowing myself to engage with non-action and be content. I can focus on creating hope in dark times without trying to control whether they happen. I can focus on the meaningful rather than convince myself I am meaningless. I can climb back up the cliff and continue to work on accepting myself for who I am rather than who I wish I were.