Dread, this unshakable feeling that something bad is about to happen, is a terrible way to ‘live.’ Lately I have found myself in this state. I have found myself in this state not only with increasing regularity, but increasing intensity. While I’m not convinced something bad is about to happen in the same way I am convinced two plus two equals four, the feeling and thoughts are unmistakable. I have been here before, and never wanted to be here again. In several ways I have entered a ‘fight or flight’ mode and I’ve done some of both.
On the ‘fight’ side of the behavior spectrum, I find myself being confrontational. Perhaps like a prey animal challenging its hunter, I am just trying to cease the waiting period and bring forth the looming consequences now. I have open dialogue with myself, mostly, but others as well. I ponder aloud what it is I am doing that would merit such fear in me. Considering I haven’t really gone anywhere, done much of anything, said much, and have been making deliberate efforts to be a more positive person who doesn’t just diminish myself all the time, I truly don’t know. Despite all that, the dread is still coming.
On the ‘flight’ side of the spectrum, I find myself becoming rapidly overwhelmed and needing to stay home. I struggle to keep my interest up in most things I have, and was, doing. While I am still eating, it is more me consciously telling myself I should; nothing is appealing, and nothing is particularly tasty. I still shower, but it isn’t the mind-clearing and enjoyable experience it normally is. My sleep cycle is irregular, but finding solace under the covers of my bed is something I am grateful for. I could try to avoid both pain levels and whatever negative consequences were coming for me by closing my eyes and staying in bed.
I know where part of it comes from, this feeling of impending doom. I, we, are surrounded by it, immersed in it. The Midterm Elections are only a few days away (comparatively), and there is too much at stake not to be worried. In addition, there is so much already wrong: voter suppression efforts, gerrymandering, unpunished crimes, and more. Then, there is just general patterns of negativity in general. Try to be positive and be met with negativity in return, offer negativity and often be one-upped with more negativity. Sometimes there is no winning.
The aforementioned are things largely out of my control, for they all involve choices and behaviors of other people. The part I still am lost on is where all this dread stems from regarding me. What am I doing so wrong that I need to be afraid of something. I don’t know what I did, and I don’t know what this something is, but the fear is real. Recently, I couldn’t find my wallet for a while. I melted down, essentially. I retraced my steps, I worked it out, I knew with confidence it was in my office. Everything else was in my office, I still had my same clothes on, etc. Something actually went wrong, and it was not the kind of validation I needed. I spent hours looking for it, tearing my house, and car, apart. I checked my bank, a few times, to ensure no one else had it even though I hadn’t gone anywhere. An exhausted me finally went to bed, unable to find it, after sunrise. I found it later that day, it was in my office but in a place wherein I simply can’t explain how it got there. Relieved, confused, and still a bit frustrated, I looked around at the gigantic mess my house now is and I feel the state of my house is reflective of the state of my life: a gigantic mess.
I want to go around and clean it all up but in both instances I don’t even know where to begin. I still feel as if something bad is going to happen but it is more of a minor discomfort in the pit of my chest rather than a paralyzing, all-consuming, fear. There are a few people I wouldn’t mind having some conversations with, just so they can tell me “no, you’re ok.” I need to pick somewhere, probably the clothes on the floor, whose pockets I checked furiously, and put them away. Similarly, I need to somehow put this fear away. I understand I have brief respites of good in between the various battlefields of bad, but this one was particularly terrible.
As the old Army solution goes “Drink water, stretch.” Get back to work.