Everything I do is wrong. A part of me looks at such a statement and dismisses it as hyperbole, while another part of me goes from experience to experience and sincerely wants to defend it. I find myself happiest being by myself, if for no other reason than the stress levels; I mean fewer stress levels on orders of magnitude. I just recently tried to collect some thoughts on consciously being outwardly more positive, and how I (they) have been poorly received. That, specifically, is still gnawing at me constantly. Why is putting in effort to be positive and happy about any little step towards non-harmful success considered wrong?
I have heard, a number of times from a number of places: “We want to be the hero in our own story.” I wonder if that is part of the issue, part of why I’m doing it wrong. I’m unintentionally presenting myself as a hero to people who, themselves, want to be one. Instead, I need to make it abundantly clear: I am no hero. If I never did see myself as a hero, that idea, along with many other parts of me, died a long time ago. That isn’t to say I see myself as some arch-villain either, for we have some real life examples of them now, today, and I am certainly not that evil.
I took some time and ‘did little.’ That is to say, I did neither interact with people, nor leave the house for a few days. When people initiated conversation with me, I responded as I would normally; I did not conspicuously tell people to go away or make any special noise to that effect. Frequently, during this time, I find myself wondering what my nature is. I am trying to make productive use of my time, yet the more I engage with people the worse things go.
Perhaps this is where I belong, in my office. It is quiet here, but on the other hand I want to enjoy life, make friends, and all that normal people stuff. I want a place wherein: I walk in and people are excited to see me, a place that looks forward to my arrival, and a place that would miss me if I’m not there. I think I had that once, and I’m looking for it again. It’s hard do that when it feels like everything I do is wrong, and we’re surrounded by such negativity.
One thing I can say for sure: all this isn’t for lack of trying. This, absolutely, hasn’t been me sitting in front of a TV wondering “Why…?” However, the toll I’m paying is also very real: mentally, emotionally, and physically. I need to do something right, in a meaningful way. Simply doing chores or the normal routine that we’re all supposed to do isn’t sufficient. I feel so beat down and directionless, and I think a lot of people do on occasion, it’s time to take a breath and figure out what can I do to feel like I belong somewhere, anywhere. Maybe, the best I can do is be alone, maybe being ‘out there’ isn’t for me. It took me years to be ok with being alone, we have to be realistic with what we can and can’t do.