Dear Diary, Forgiving Ourselves for Demonstrating a Lack of Mastery (the death of rush limbaugh)
Dear Diary, Rush Limbaugh died recently, and I allowed myself to become swept up in it for a bit. Despite his evil and damaging legacy, other people wanted to celebrate him, and I let it bother me. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, teaches, “The observation that good people suffer, and evil people keep enjoying benefits and recognition, is short-sighted. Also, this kind of conclusion might have been made in haste. If one analyzes carefully, one finds that troublemakers are definitely not happy. It is better to take responsibility for one’s actions and lead a positive life.” While ‘troublemaker’ is a word I would say is generous to describe Rush Limbaugh, I would not hesitate to agree he was unhappy.
In my writings and conversations with people, I try to illustrate the concept that we shouldn’t “compare wars.” The struggles we endure individually are valid, but those we encounter and pass by are as well. For the most part, I demonstrate a high level of skill in this concept. However, many life skills become more challenging to execute when personal harm and old scars come into the equation. I could have just let it all go and chosen not to engage. While I am grateful to myself, I was never joyful for this individual’s death; I found myself angry, knowing he could die without being held accountable. The example he set is now being emulated and escalated by figures famous and familiar nationwide, and the damage doesn’t stop with his passing. The unhappiness doesn’t stop with him; those fires are being fanned and spread.
Lao Tzu teaches,
“All streams flow to the sea
because it is lower than they are.
Humility gives it its power.”
My Alone Series #561 “Learn” caption reads,
“why do we hold on to this pain
what else do we need to learn
it is ok to let yesterday be yesterday
have healing be today
and health be tomorrow”
I was vulnerable about my anger regarding Rush Limbaugh and how he helped radicalize a generation. As someone who understands the value of human connection and objective reality, he was someone who interfered with both in powerful ways. I wanted to discuss what I’ve learned from my experiences, put out the flames, and reduce unhappiness in the world. The lesson, conclusion, from the suffering I endured was, “take an interest in the passions of your loved ones, just because they are their passions.” It was me compressing the carbon of pain into a diamond of wisdom and giving it away. I was letting go.
The conversation demanded more. Some scars faded through forgiveness were touched upon, and I did my best to answer the questions posed to me. As I just wrote about, I allow others to lead the conversation, and when the person in question was satisfied, I was content to be quiet and thoughtful once more. I had already done my best to let go and be positive. I wanted to spread happiness. I once saw a teaching wherein spreading happiness was Buddhism’s core function. Such an idea is so simple, but it was a moment when things clicked in my head. I think of how often I’ve allowed myself to be a part of a negative feedback loop, and in those moments, I was doing a poor job at spreading happiness. Rush Limbaugh’s death is another of these such moments, where I allowed myself to lose a proper perspective and did not spread happiness.
Being joyful is exclusively not about smiles and rainbows. I certainly do not have the universal answers to happiness, but I know the role forgiveness plays cannot be understated. I can acknowledge I demonstrated a lack of mastery by attaching myself where I didn’t need to and opening myself up to other scars that I’ve already addressed and forgiven. I can become upset with myself for being imperfect, as I have done time and time again, or I can watch as the ripples disappear on the surface of the water. Unless I continuously put more energy into the system, it will calm itself. Akin to this, I can keep turning this over in my head, being invested and attached, or I can forgive myself and let it go. Ultimately, this will be something that crops up in the future as Rush Limbaugh’s legacy is unfinished; other unhappy politicians will seek to profit from unhappy audiences, but I will try to confront those situations appropriately.
I chose to engage and thus made a poor decision when I heard the news. I allowed myself to expand onto topics I’ve already covered and buried. I was glad my emotions stayed focus on the individual in question, and I didn’t get into any victim-blaming; I would have felt terrible. When the conversation expanded beyond the message I wanted to share, I thought I represented things poorly. I spoke of times during their worst but never spoke of how things improved. While I did not live up to the ideals I strive for; I can forgive myself this time. It feels nice to be able to do that because I have not yet reached that ability to do so in other areas of my life.
One step at a time.