Dear Diary, 2023’s theme is forgiveness. As a recap, in basic terms, forgiveness relieves the burden of change. Forgiveness is the opposite of guilt (the burden of change). In life, we often retrospect on real and perceived mistakes and ponder to ourselves what we could do better. If we use past mistakes as a learning point to improve, that’s all well and good. However, we commonly get stuck in the past and try to change it – which is impossible. We cannot grasp something new while we hold on to the past so tightly.
The moments or areas of the past we tend to cling to are traumatic. Trauma is any event disrupting our sense of life as predictable or presents a severe challenge to past ways of understanding the world and our place in it; trauma disrupts our sense of meaning. Trauma challenges our identity by reshaping our idea of who we are and who we will become after the event. We evolve into someone new after a traumatic event, often by force. However, we may still look at ourselves through the lens of who we thought we were before the event. The two are no longer the same and aren’t directly compatible.
Whether we see it in the first-person perspective or not, we tend to grow in some way from trauma. The post-traumatic growth may not be immediate, and it may be subtle, but it is there. Our viewpoints change as we grow and place more time (memories and experiences) between us and the event. We do not have to remain trapped in time with a singular idea, a rigid identity. It is ok to acknowledge how we felt in the past was valid, but it is no longer who we are now.
The more we aligned our identity with a particular ideal, the more difficult it will be to untangle it and redefine it for ourselves. For example, many people made their identity synonymous with a person or a sports team. For them, the celebrity (or politician, preacher, etc.) cannot be wrong because they would also be wrong. Some people later discover the person they are so heavily attached to is incorrect, and their identity crumbles and has to be rebuilt. Others are incapable of admitting error regardless of the circumstances in front of them and continuously double down on the identity investment.
We need not be ashamed when it is time to rebuild or redefine our identity. If we live in shame at who we were, we will never move on, as judging our past selves will keep us stuck in the past. We can practice forgiveness and go about the business of learning who we are in the present. We can devote good energy to learning how we’ve grown and developed, so we can make goals on how we wish to move forward even further. Who we are now is not the same as who we were, and that’s ok. Who we will become is not the same as who we are now, and that’s ok. Relieve yourself from the burden of change by practicing forgiveness. Change will come naturally over time, gradually day by day, and more distinctly due to traumatic experiences. Love yourself and love who you will become; you are worth it.