Dear Diary, Let’s Talk about Male Loneliness
I decided half a year ago 2024 would be ‘The Year of Courage.’ I don’t remember what that meant when I initially made the decision, but it has manifested into me trying to ‘find my voice,’ or, at a minimum, understand where my voice came from. As a part of that process, I keep seeing headlines about how men are so lonely these days. Every time I see one of these stories my reaction is generally the same: “Well, no shit.” The obviousness of it, for me, is akin to writing a story saying the sky is blue. So, let’s try to be a little courageous and explore this complex topic.
Why are (so many) men lonely? If we were to look around at how the ‘male’ figure is commonly portrayed, we could sum up the expectations of male life in two words: Destruction and Domination. The Male figure is often seen as ‘winning’ something, meaning someone or something else is losing. Whether this is in sports, in the courtroom, on the battlefield, or everywhere in between, the male figure is shown to be hierarchical, and if you’re not on top, you fail.
By contrast, the Female energy is often shown to allow for creativity and consensus. The Female energy is conversation and community. If we, as men, want to consider that kind of calling we are ostracized publicly. In more juvenile settings, we get called “gay” for daring to have emotional availability. It was also an implicit communication the LBTQ+ people are somehow incorrect and inferior. Why? LBTQ+ people are about acceptance and celebration of who one is and what one does or brings. In essence, it’s the exact opposite of the exclusionary vision of the Destruction and Domination crowd that envisions a singular person, themselves, commanding all those beneath them.
The Destruction and Domination culture has megaphones almost anywhere you turn. Media Outlets, Bully Pulpits, Family members, Social Media ‘Influencers,’ etc., are all profiteers of war. These individuals and organizations pump the audiences full of fear and anger that ‘They’ are going to hurt you. The Destruction and Domination culture needs tribalism and differences to engage in that terrible behavior. If the message was ‘We are all on the same team,’ as it should be then justifying killing ourselves and stealing resources would be a much more difficult undertaking. We would be having conversations about leadership and conservation, not about how best to raid the village across the river.
Christianity in today’s age doesn’t help. The Religion of Christianity itself isn’t the problem per se, but just like all Men aren’t the problem it is how Christianity is being broadcasted. Christian Nationalists are prime Destruction and Domination people. Christian Nationalists are trying to destroy Democracy, racial equality, women’s rights, reproductive freedom, and a whole lot more. Who are most Christian Nationalists we see? Men. Who are most White Nationalists we see? Men. Who has made most of the decisions to defund education, protect the profits of drug and insurance companies over the health of the people, and prop up defense contractors over the homeless? Men.
It is mathematically impossible for nearly half the population to all be ‘Dominant’ in the way the culture advertises the goal. Furthermore, American Male Culture is typically portrayed as individual success. “I” achieved this, “I” have these records or status, “I” have this money. You, as a male, are supposed to climb on top of everyone else and pretend you got there alone. Such mindsets abandon the environment and, eventually, relationships. Is it no wonder we have such problems with greed, corruption, and megalomania? We have a presidential candidate with dozens of felony convictions and Supreme Court justices who aren’t pretending to be innocent of ethics violations, but instead that they are above ethics. All of those are Men, as well.
The Destruction and Domination mindset incentivizes the Machiavellian ‘End Justifies The Means’ mentality – murdering any hope to end the cycle of abuse any time soon. Such hope is buried even further when people who benefit from the status quo, such as White Men in some locations where Colonialism was successful, want to maintain things as is because they believe it benefits them. The incorrect perception that equality is oppression leads to the continued Destruction of lives, borders, cultures, biospheres, and whatever else those in power believe they need to do to stay in power.
Capitalism contributes. Trying to achieve infinite growth with finite resources places unyielding pressure on everyone. There is an endless race to take or create something before someone else, do something better than someone else, etc. Coupled with that are the endless advertisements and portrayals pressuring you to consume. If you don’t Dominate the consumption of your market or interest, you’re somehow falling behind. I see people throwing around an acronym, “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out) around, to pressure people further to consume.
On the one hand, I dislike the excessive celebrations I see in sports these days – something I’m going to call peacocking. I see it not only from the player who made the play but also from teammates on the sidelines who feel the need to try to be seen as well in some way. However, maybe if we didn’t try to obstruct boys and men from being pretty, emotionally available, and individually expressive, we wouldn’t have these flamboyant and arguably disrespectful displays of any reasonable success. In the culture, as portrayed today, you must always be engaged in public displays of Instant Gratification so everyone else knows how Dominant you are. You have to overreact and put your life on social media in a perfectly presented way, yet be stoic, impenetrable, and undefeated.
Of course, there is a Male Loneliness problem. There are growing disconnects between what the traditional power structure wants and what the real world wants. The traditional power structure is full of contempt and tries its best to radicalize another generation of men who believe they alone are the answer to the world’s woes. Here at ground level, we tell people ‘two heads are better than one’ and ‘many hands do light work’, but as you work up the ladder, politics and intrigue take over, and now it’s ‘cover your ass’ and ‘not in my back yard.’
How many of the Male Leaders we would want to point to are local operators with troubled backgrounds? I’m not saying that’s bad in and of itself; it’s more like drawing a comparison to the list of those we would not want to point to who are on full display, whether we like it or not. It complicates matters when addressing a loneliness problem, and you have few national leadership figures to point to. Trust in our government, our law enforcement, our corporate leadership, our courts, and most authority in general is deservedly low.
I’m trying to find my voice, but so are Men in general. For a very long time Men were expected to Destroy and Dominate – from inside the home to the Head of State and from the village border to international board rooms. As we finally break the bonds of that dreadful burden and allow ourselves to do more than hurt history, we have to grapple with not only learning a new language and skill set but also coming to terms with all that we’ve done. There will be a contingent of Men who will absolutely refuse with all their might if for no other reason than admitting fault or feeling guilt will be too much, and so they will continue to dehumanize rather than have the strength to deal with themselves.
Healing is not linear. Look at how many lives and resources Men invested into Destroying things that took lives and resources to build. Many of those scars never had the time to heal before another one was inflicted. The things marketed towards us, like sports and video games, are primarily competition-based – Domination-based. Changing the narrative from ‘Beat Them’ to ‘Beat Yourself’ takes time and a culture shift. Teaching that we and the environment are one and the same will be a hard sell, as those who want to justify racism and domestic abuse aren’t going to want to hear it.
Teaching it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to dream, it’s ok to ask why, will take time. If I’ve learned anything at all about American life it is we always have to unlearn to succeed. The American Story is titled “In Spite Of” for the majority of us.
“It has to start some where
it has to start some time
what better place than here
what better time than now?” – Rage Against the Machine, Guerrilla Radio.
It’s ok to break the cycle of abuse; you are worth it.