What do I believe in? This isn’t a question of what I understand, but do I still have faith in anything beneficial? As I look at those very words, thoughts flood in my head to the opposite effect; I can immediately, and with saddening quickness, hear my internal monologue bring forth ‘I believe’ statements bearing negative consequences. I sit in quiet contemplation, listening to and analyzing the omnipresent deluge of thoughts. Surely, there must be something at the core of things I still hold to be true.
Let’s start big: A deity, or multiple deities. I’m inclined not to think so. While it would be nice to test for such things, we view deities as creators of all things. A good deity would need to be three things to make everything work according to how it is presented: omnipotence, omniscience, and omni-benevolence. However, any observations at all show the three in tandem fail. Pick any numbers of problems, say childhood cancer or widespread famine, that are easily solvable by an entity who is: all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good, but chooses to ignore said problems and something has to give. Is this entity not all powerful and thus can’t solve it? Is this entity not all-knowing and thus doesn’t know the problem exists, or doesn’t know how to solve the problem? The third option, lack of benevolence is the most troubling to me. If it does have both the knowledge and power and chooses not to do anything, if it simply doesn’t care enough, then it isn’t worth worshipping. Either way empirical evidence says one of two things to me: a) a deity figure doesn’t exist or, b) it does but it isn’t worth worshipping due to limitations or personality faults.
Ok, let’s zoom in a bit. Let’s zoom in a lot. The United states of America. What is the USA? It is the self-proclaimed “Greatest Country on Earth!” To which many people will not only never let you forget it but will not so kindly demand you leave should you disagree. It is a sentiment upon which kids are raised, American Exceptionalism. What makes us so great? It certainly isn’t Health Care, cancer rates, infant mortality or life expectancy where we aren’t in the top 25 of any of those. It Isn’t the quality of our air, water, forests, energy, biodiversity, fisheries, forests, where we aren’t in the top 35 in the aforementioned. There are so many other categories where we aren’t the best in, or even close. However, there are some we are the best in: total number of prisoners, gun deaths (to include school shootings), military spending, obesity rates, teen pregnancy rates, student loan debt, health care spending per percentage of GDP, and most time sitting in traffic. While that list isn’t a good list of things to be number one at, some of them seem almost background noise compared to the day to day beating we receive these days.
So I ask myself again, what is the USA? We are a lot more than just a list of terrible things. Although, when I see a foreign comic depicting a fat white guy in a baseball hat, cross necklace, holding a gigantic soda cup, I understand why it is there. There are lots of people who look just like that. They are on Facebook and Fox News making comments about ‘liberal tears’ but often with “creative” spelling choices. They are on Reddit and 4chan celebrating how anyone who disagrees with them gets “triggered” and/or “owned.” They don’t see the least popular supreme court nominee in history, whose progression vote was carried by a group of people not even representing a majority of the population, nominated by the loser of the popular vote, opposed by an impressive coalition of groups of various stripes, as anything other than some sort of vindication. Somehow the USA has become a place wherein the ends justify the means.
Is this what I believe, we are some Machiavellian land? It takes two to sustain but only one to destroy and there has been destruction: clear, obvious, unremorseful destruction. When I think of destruction I think, again, about our number one military budget. It is in the ballpark of $892 Billion this year. That is a lot of destruction. What could we do with that kind of money, here at home? As a man, a citizen, and a veteran, having seen consequences of destruction in multiple forms, I have to ask what are we defending? It can’t be our obesity? It can’t be our crumbling infrastructure? It can’t be our defunded schools? It can’t be our broken, stolen, gerrymandered, dark money, elections? Well, it might the the latter. Partner that with the fact the USA is still good for a comparative few to make ludicrous profits, all while telling you that you can just as easily do it too, and that’s what we might be defending: an out of reach system and profit margins. That’s not much for a beneficial belief, is it?
If the USA isn’t zoomed in enough, it is time to zoom in more: Me. Perhaps, in these dark times, I just need to just believe in me and do the best I can to make the times better – as impossible as that seems. In stark contrast to the times, I do believe I have a few, readily available, redeeming qualities. Something that is curious to me, however, is most of the feedback I receive from others is overwhelmingly negative. Are they right, and I’m just that bad of a person? Are they wrong? If they’re wrong, why are they giving me said feedback in the first place? Do we only say negative things anymore, due to the times we live in? I am not so unaware as to not realize this piece itself is a negative piece.
One of my redeeming qualities is my ability to support others. In the virtual world, for example, I am well known for providing: leadership, information, currency, items, strategy, mechanics, companionship, etc. I’m a team player, and always have been. One thing I have noticed, however, is such things are expected now. Perhaps the novelty of me providing a service has worn off, but the words ‘thank you’ have vanished from the vocabulary of those I help. It’s just a “yeah, good game” or “Yeah, we made progress.” It only takes me the time required to formulate the thought to understand I’d be absolutely thrilled if I had someone help me, provide for me, in the same way. I would be outwardly appreciative, and they would know it.
So what do I believe in? I guess even though I’ve been in a series of unreciprocal transactions, I would like to believe that someday: “Treat others as you would like to be treated” will actually work. It will hold true. Some call that karma, I suppose. Someday, these years of good intent, these consistent decisions of “Yes, I will still try my best to do the right thing because it is the right thing” will have an impact, it will mean something. It hasn’t yet, but I guess that is all I have left at this point: Integrity.