Dear Diary, Why is Peace Hard to Accept?
Why is Peace Hard to Accept? Peace is the state wherein nothing needs to change, and when I arrive at those moments, I find myself looking for something to change. My mind refuses to relax and is always looking for something to do. I feel anxious if I’m not engaged in something ‘productive,’ but I can’t tell you what I’m supposed to produce or whose approval I’m trying to gain. I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy unless I’ve earned it through work, even when there isn’t any work to be done.
I ask myself frequently, “What am I trying to change?” I think it is an essential question in most scenarios. It helps us focus on our goals and how we can achieve them. For twenty years as a soldier and citizen involved politically, I tried to change things beyond my control. I spent countless hours stressing myself out, trying to manifest change in other people. Now that I’ve turned my focus inward, I am at a loss.
There was always a conflict to fight. There was always a clearly defined enemy. Now that I’m spending more time on mindfulness and meditation and less on politics, I do not know what to do with the lack of conflict. I feel as if I’m being lazy if I’m not changing something, but I don’t know where that label is coming from or why I think that way. In my heart, I guess because I see most people getting up and going to work, I feel guilty for being unable to do so. Why I’m comparing myself to others is beyond me.
I just spent a week in the hospital because of mania and insomnia. I, regrettably, acknowledge my limitations are genuine, yet I can’t put that acceptance into practice on the path to peace. I can’t look in the mirror and say that it’s ok to not work like everyone else. I still want to help somehow, but I don’t know how to do that sustainably. My desire to make a difference somehow overrides my ability to accept peace, and I become anxious and restless without something to do.
What am I trying to change? I’m trying to find a way to be of assistance that fits within my limitations. Additionally, I’m trying to allow myself to be peaceful when there isn’t anything to do. I know rest is important and my inability to accept peace is sapping the joy out of life. I want to be happy whether I work on a project or not. I want to be present and enjoy life without feeling pressured to produce something. Things don’t need to change every moment, and it is ok to put the fight down. It is ok to be peaceful.