Homelessness : Ten Years of Tragedy, Part 4.
A concept that predates, but has been thoroughly reinforced, the Ten Years of Tragedy is Homelessness. It is a gradual understanding, a consuming desperation, leading to regrettable decision making. Homelessness is more than the absence of a physical shelter in which to take refuge, although I have been there as well in a sense. What is a ‘home?’ What makes ‘home?’ For years I’ve listened to people speak with great warmth about home: where it is, what it is, what they miss about it, what they look forward to when they go there, what they’re making in one, et al. It has been beyond clear I have rarely ever had a home.
Homelessness in the physical sense is the most obvious when we discuss it at all. In terms of Physical Homelessness I still feel that way today, to an extent. I do have a place to call my own but not only is it in a state of disrepair (bought an old fixer-upper when my life situation was different) and there are many bad memories here. I walk into other people’s homes, and they clearly are homes, and coming back to my house is such a draining experience. Beyond that, there were periods in life wherein I did not even have a place of my own: caves, cots, holes in the ground, a backseat in a vehicle, etc. My house may not be the ideal location but there are upsides and I have had it worse. Unfortunately, in the physical realm exists my body, which is a host to a plethora of problems of its own and trying to operate in a broken body within a broken house is draining. (Part 3 – Limitations)
Physical Homelessness is the lowest, least, most minor of the realms of concern. My house situation will at some point be resolved one way or another, and my body is receiving health care. However, something much more pressing is Emotional Homelessness. I spend a considerable amount of conscious, dedicated, effort to maintain a level, affable, state of being when in actuality I am anything but on the inside. I have weaponized silence as a response to my internal instability, anxiety, passions, and knowledge how I intended things to be isn’t always how the recipient perceived it. Instead of me advocating for myself as I should, I just remain quiet and ‘add it to the pile’ as it were in my attempts to keep my happy face on. The army used to tell us “False motivation is better than no motivation (hoo-ah).” I have heard similar thoughts, such as ‘fake it till you make it.’ I thought to myself, ‘why not?’ Internally, truthfully, I may be searching for the answers, short and long term; I may be searching for a home, for stability and peace, and while I may be deeply unhappy now I can just smile and soldier on.
I have an advantage in keeping the happy face on, for I am also largely Socially Homeless. I do not have any specific place or group of people that take initiative regarding me. I do not hold sufficient worth, or value for such. I am tolerated, perhaps even enjoyed, when I take the initiative to inject myself into their lives but that is me coming into their home, me being thoughtful, me putting forth the effort. As such, disappearing should I want/need to is easy! I simply stop taking the initiative and the rest takes care of itself. With that all being said, however, I have tried to change this reality a number of times. I have tried to make relationships more two-way. I have tried to be a valuable part of people’s circles. I have tried to find/create a home with others, particularly when I do not have to be the driving force. I just don’t really fit in, or worse – people get what they want out of me and then I’m tossed aside. Regrettably I learned that one the hard way, with loaning money, and I could have instead invested that into my house. (Part 1 – Dishonesty)
Perhaps the most troubling to me: more than Physical, more than Emotional, and more than Social Homelessness, is Mental Homelessness. As I struggle to get the other three into a more manageable state, the war inside my mind is the most taxing. Memory Loss continues to actively sabotage my efforts on a moment-to-moment basis and false memories are created as an involuntary attempt to patch the holes left behind. I continuously have to struggle with what is real and what isn’t, and that is when I feel have control over my own faculties. There are times the thoughts race beyond what I can keep up with actively whereas other times I blank out in mid-sentence. A consequence of Memory Loss is more-or-less an inability to have a real imagination, an inability to accurately replicate senses in my mind. All this plus other stresses causes me to simply detach and feel like I am physically not present, an actual feeling of distance – a Mental Homelessness. The clock ticks by and other people are being productive in their lives and I’m trapped in my head trying to simply regain control of my own thoughts and discern real from false. This is before I deal with anything else that exists outside the mental realm.
What is a home? It is not simply a physical structure, and in today’s virtual interconnected world it might not be one at all anymore. It is: a place of belonging, a place of fondness, a place of memories. It is the place to which you know you’ll return someday if you’re not there already. Homes don’t have to necessarily be places you sleep. Homes could be where your kin are, where your friends gather, or anywhere else that has developed such significant, irreplaceable, meaning. Perhaps it is where you raise a glass, or play a card; perhaps it is where you get that view, or see that someone. Perhaps home has a special: feel, smell, or taste. I’ve heard all about them and am only vaguely familiar in a slight manner. Unfortunately, however, I am largely homeless: Mentally, Socially, and Emotionally, all within a broken body tucked away in a broken house. I am trying to remain calm about it, and not tackle the world all at once. I’m trying to accept there are some things beyond my control and other things have to be done incrementally. However, I am a man of action and I feel time moves very slowly so it is difficult to maintain patience, maintain the happy face. Ten years has been a long time already. (Part 2 – Acceptance)