Limitations : Ten Years of Tragedy, part 3.
As mentioned in my thoughts on Acceptance (part 2), I am a person with numerous limitations. We, as human beings all have limitations to varying degrees; I, as an individual tend to be more severely limited than the person next to me. I am marginally better at learning and accepting what those are, but am still generally terrible at it. I am largely in denial about who I am and where I am at in life. I do myself no favors by only pretending in a format such as this (as in this essay), to be aware of my boundaries and limitations when in day to day life I set myself up for failure and succeed (at failing) constantly.
I struggle to maintain basic motivation, frequently. I have one of my own songs stuck in my head now, a part of one, but I don’t remember the name of it and I’d have to search through 200 of them to find it. Let’s break this down further: this is a song I made so I’m frustrated that I can only remember a fraction of it, this is a song I made so I’m doubly frustrated that I can’t even remember the name is, and this is a song I made so I’m triply frustrated that I can’t even remember what album it belongs to. I have a sound, a little clip in my head that I want to hear. I eventually found it, by brute force, a.k.a. process of elimination, but most of the joy of hearing it again has been sapped by my constant reminders of my mental inabilities.
When I do listen to my song though, I can appreciate it in the sense of ‘it’s a good song, I like it.’ However, often enough I think about my work in terms of productivity. People, periodically, take interest in my work and ask about the construction thereof. It’s incredibly embarrassing for me to be unable to elaborate to them how I made my own work. I cannot replicate my own work, and there is no productivity without replication. I have no mastery of techniques, processes, terminology, nor muscle memories. My inability to recall things is only a part of the larger problem. I’ve learned the brain likes to fill in gaps on its own, so I’m often incorrect (as stated previously in Part 1) and I can’t even trust myself. I am almost entirely limited by intuition, and whatever I can learn and apply on the spot.
I think of how many different things I’ve already attempted and failed at over the last Ten Years of Tragedy. I still haven’t even been able to keep a tidy house despite minimizing my material possessions every year like clockwork. I still haven’t been able to keep a stable mood despite regular medication efforts and therapy sessions, while other people have ‘graduated,’ if you will, back into regular civilian life. I gain weight seemingly effortlessly, despite my love affair with vegetables. Sleep only flirts with me, but never keeps me company long. I no longer have a sense of time, everyday feels long but simultaneously I am amazed at how fast the days blur together. My body is in a constant state of pain, but the more I try to manage that the more I feel I fail at everything else in life. Even basic tasks such as: walking, standing, overhead motions, repetitive motions, etc., hurt. I do them anyway because I need to, but it becomes demoralizing when I sit here and try to focus on a project and I hurt for no apparent reason, or for something I did yesterday.
I am driven to be a better version of myself. I’m trying to find how to make things work. What is the balance needed to satisfy my need to be productive, to feel like I’ve contributed in a valuable way, but respect my actual limitations, sustainably? I’ve been productive before and wound up in the hospital. That’s not ideal for anyone. I want to break the cycle of me going beyond my reasonable limits, burning myself out, and then doing something regrettable because I don’t want to let anyone down. I need to have to be honest with my limitations, respect them, and find what it means to be productive within that space. Deep down I know that means giving up on a lot of currently held aspirations, as they aren’t realistic. I guess I’m not ready to do that, and I don’t yet have the answers on what It will take for me to let go.
I don’t know what it will take for me to (part 1) be honest with myself, (part 2) accept myself, and (part 3) be ok with my limitations and be productive within that space. It’s been a rough Ten Years of Tragedy, but I don’t want to repeat it – once was more than enough.