I have more friends now than in a very long time, perhaps ever. My friends are both here and spread out across multiple continents. They share different skin tones, gender identities, sexual orientations, levels of economic security, ideas, beliefs, education levels, so on and so forth. Some of my friends I have known for over 10 years, and some I only just met recently. Some of my friends are multi-faceted in that we share multiple interests, or have long histories together, and other friends and I share that one thing and that’s about it. However, despite all the diversity of people with whom I interact, they share a common thread; I must initiate interactions with virtually all of them, virtually every time.
In my ongoing quest to truly come to terms with myself, and all that entails, this is a sticking point. I would like to think in terms of: “If I were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a ‘yes.'” as well as “If a neutral third party were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a ‘yes.'” Is my worth insufficient for them to be the initiation force? Is there nothing valuable enough about me, across everyone, to be sought out? If I were to die today, how long would it take you to discover?
Beyond initiation, I’ve also been paying attention to the content of conversations. With rare exception, more and more people just want me for a singular task, focus, or purpose: let’s only talk music, let’s only talk politics, let’s only talk veteran stuff, etc. This is strange to me, being that I specifically ask about people in general, as in: how is work, what else is going on, what is new, how are the kids, anything exciting, and other questions that give people an opportunity to give people a chance to get away from the ‘same ol’ same ol” and discuss something they, perhaps, have been itching to get off their chest, or has just popped up. I genuinely care about people as a whole, not just one segment. If I get that at all, it is from a few people and not via their initiation.
I try to think bigger picture. I try to think ‘maybe everyone is simply too busy.’ This is 2018 America after all: where life gets more expensive, but your wages stay the same or decrease. However, that is just a roundabout way of going back to my worth. Regardless of what we do, we assign value to things. If a few people I don’t really talk to, or see, don’t bother to say hi or anything – fine, but everyone? It’s hard not to ponder what it is about me that makes me not worth the initiation. I’m worth the response, and the time invested in the conversations/game sessions/hangout/jams that follow – but not initiating said time themselves.
I thought, perhaps I reach out too much? However, I disappear for weeks at a time with no ‘Where did you go?’ outreach. Perhaps my published work (on website and discord servers, etc) is sufficient for most? I don’t have the answers. When I ask directly I get a myriad of responses, that usually boil down to ‘I’ll try to be better’ or anger that I dared to be confrontational. I understand I’m not great at standing up for myself, and some people truly do not like when I do. I don’t understand this unidirectional paradigm I find myself in, but I do understand it’s wrong. Relationships should be two-way streets, give and take systems that work for everyone involved. I shouldn’t be asking questions about my worth in other people’s eyes because I put forth the work, and could have already vanished without anyone knowing. That isn’t how it is supposed to be.