Spike: You know what’s weird?
Simon: You never see any Dept. of Public Works employees in Divinity’s Reach?
Spike thinks for a moment, and then gives a look of approval.
Simon: I mean think about it, where are all the contractors?
Spike is starting to regret opening his mouth.
Simon: For that matter, how do merchants make their money? I never see anyone buying anything. All these people walk in from all corners of Tyria and simply sell stuff. Who are the merchants selling this junk to? It’s a junk conspiracy I’m telling you.
Spike groans.
Simon: And where do monsters keep getting all this loot anyway? Why is most of it @#$% ? We need to build a ‘good-loot-detector.’
Spike sighs: Like that would just instantly get broken or stolen.
Simon hmms: How so? We wouldn’t tell anyone about it. We can just wander about, and when it goes off we sidetrack a bit.
Spike: Wouldn’t it just point us to the safe-houses of really powerful people?
Simon: Or a Silverlock?
Spike and Simon fistbump: Sick burn, dood.
As they keep wandering the streets of Divinity’s Reach, they openly debate the existence of Crysania, the Silverlock, and the possibility of making a decent loot finding device. Everything was still so far away.
Simon: We should head to the city that’s a clear anagram of Mursaat.
Spike: Why hasn’t anyone else picked up on that?
Simon shrugs: They didn’t just fight them last month like we did.
Spike nods: Oh yeah, but why should we go there?
Simon: Duh, they’re clearly the bosses around here. They can run as fast we can, jump as high as we can, hit as hard as we can, build @#$%ing teleport portals, entire floating cities, independent automaton systems, …
Spike stops listening.
Simon concludes: and their only real limitation seems to be they sabotage themselves on a daily basis. If anyone could build a item finding thingy it would be them.
Spike: I wonder what kind of drinks they have.
Simon: I wonder if their mugs float.
Spike starts grinning: No-handed drinking game?
Simon laughs: Who else but you would think about drinking in zero-G as a first course of action.
Spike has already begun walking towards the nearest portal.
Simon: I have a couple other things on my mind.
Spike: Eh?
Simon: Where does everyone get born at? Like, there’s no hospitals or anything.
Spike: What’s a hospital?
Simon frowns: Speaking of hospitals, I wonder if I’m emitting radiation and I’m killing you just by standing here.
Spike is stunned and confused: WTF is radiation? What are you talking about?
Spike composes himself a little bit: You know, man, back in the day -I- was the crazy one. I liked it better that way. Now you’re saying all this weird @#$% and staring off into distances and talking to people who aren’t there. You’re strange these days.
Simon looks into the camera and frowns.
Spike: It’s weird enough that we’re spirit aspects of a powerful clan matriarch – who no one has heard of other than one historian by name only – but you’re just losing it, man.
Simon’s shoulders slump.
Spike: Why do you want good loot anyway? What are we doing to do with it? We’ve never cared about that @#$%.
Simon nods.
Spike: Especially you. You merge with me and light people on fire – which is kind of cool and kind of creepy. –
Simon giggles.
Spike: What’s a fancy looking scepter going to do for you then?
Simon: Ok, I get it. What are we going to do? We still don’t really have a good direction one way or another.
Without so much as a second thought, Spike tries to roundhouse kick Simon square in the chest! Simon leaps backwards to dodge, but Spike recovers and takes off sprinting towards the portal. That was going to be a cheap shot for being called poopyboots. Simon gives pursuit, a fast moving ball of running flame frightening a couple nearby children.
Simon leaps through the portal and finds himself in another City. He vaguely recognizes it as Lion’s Arch. All sorts of portals are here. He quickly scans the horizon and there is only one person running. It’s Spike alright, dashing towards a portal guarded by a couple very short creatures. Simon wastes no time giving chase. The guards try to close in on Spike, who just hurdles over them. Simon just shoulder tackles one, catching them off guard. They didn’t see him giving chase.
Simon pops out of the portal to some of the coolest @#$% he’s ever seen in a long time. However, he’s still trying to find Spike. Spike was being held up by a local Golem and it gave Simon a chance to catch up. Seeing Simon close the distance, Spike tried to slip to the side but to no avail. Instead, a leaping Simon managed to grab a hold of Spike and they tripped and tumbled to the edge of one of the arms of Rata Sum’s portal sections.
Flailing their arms and yelling obscenities wasn’t enough and Spike fell off. In his last effort, he managed to grab Simon and yanked him off too. They were both falling to the jungle surface below. The grand scale and beauty of Rata Sum, while clearly visible from the outside, was zipping by and soon wasn’t going to matter to the splattered remains of the pair. Then it happened. For some reason neither of them could explain they found themselves in a cell, somewhere in Rata Sum. The energy shield on one side wouldn’t let them out and they were trapped in this cell.
Simon: … … …what just happened?
Spike: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT WAS @#$%ING AWESOME!
Simon helplessly chuckles.
Spike: Can we do it again? Can we?!
Simon: Sure…whatever -that- was.
Spike dances with glee.
While Spike was dancing an Asuran Peacekeeper came to check up on the new commotion.
Peacekeeper 1: More thrillseekers?
Spike: Well, generally, yes – but not specifically this time? Maybe?
Peacekeeper 1: What?
Simon: What he means to say is we haven’t the slightest how we got here.
Peacekeeper 1: Right. I wasn’t born yesterday.
Simon’s flame puffs with excitement: Where were you born?! Was it a hospital?
Peacekeeper 1: What’s a hospital? Isn’t that just a place to treat wounded? Why would I be born in a place like that? You’re strange…and on fire.
Spike: You get used to it.
Peacekeeper 1: I’ll let you out for 50c . It’s the transportation fee.
Simon: Transportation?
Peacekeeper 1: Think of it as a safety net for jumpers like you.
Spike: It more like a fall.
Simon: …you pulled me off.
Spike: You tackled me first!
Simon: You tried to kick me!
Spike: I had @#$% on my boots and you lit it on fire!
Simon: You almost got us trampled!
Peacekeeper 1: Forget the coin, just leave! Damned humans.
Spike and Simon continue to grumble at each other but drop it for now.
Spike: Where is the nearest pub? I want to wreck some no-handed drinking challenges.
Peacekeeper 1: …oh by the Eternal Alchemy…
Simon: Is that the name of the pub?
Spike: That sounds like a good pub name.
Simon nods: I approve.
Peacekeeper 1: LEAVE!!! LEAVE NOW!
Spike: Geez. No need to be so pushy, we’ll find the Eternal Alchemy on our own.
Simon nods with authority.
The Peacekeeper shakes his head with disgust.
…and so the pair are let loose and begin to wander lower Rata Sum, loudly debating pub names.
Simon: Do you remember ‘The Dick and Pickle?’
Spike laughs: No, but who would name their place ‘The Dick and Pickle?’
Simon, flatly: They did.
Spike, still laughing: Of course.
Simon: If Lalandra had an inn, would she call it the ‘Sleeping Henchman?’
Spike: Why sleeping?
Simon: Well you can’t call it ‘The Dead Henchman’
Spike: Why not, it would be more accurate. They could name all their drinks something morbid. House Special: Knock Out Punch! A very boozy fruit concoction. Serve it in some big @#$%ing bowl with like three straws and taunt the patrons for drinking it too slow.
Simon: Are we talking about Lalandra’s place? Or yours?
Spike giggles manically.
Simon: OOH! And Balreth’s place! “The Lightweight Library” Where the drinks are small and the books aren’t.
Spike makes a face of mild disinterest.
Simon: All the drinks are classic cocktails, in ‘proper proportions’ for near-teetotalers like himself.
Spike: That place would probably smell all sorts of awful when it rains.
Simon: What kinds of pub games would you play in there?
Spike: Who can be the quietest for the longest?
Simon: Well you lost.
Spike: @#$% off, street lamp.
They both sigh in unison. They were both thinking it at the same time. What could Crysania’s pub be? Neither of them said anything for several steps.
Simon broke the silence first: Probably a big empty room…
Spike nods: Yeah, she did like her space.
Simon: With a lot of variety of beers. The bitterest.
Spike smiles: She did have good taste, I’ll give her that.
Simon: Hey, I think we found a place.
Spike runs to the bar: Is this the Eternal Alchemy?
The Asuran bartender is taken aback: Sort of. Everything has a place in the Eternal Alchemy.
Spike interpreted that they were welcomed and they plopped down and ordered two drinks. Spike would drink Simon’s share, as was custom.
Bartender 1: Why are you looking for the Eternal Alchemy?
Spike: Floating Mugs! I have to dry no-hands drinking!
Simon: Don’t you think it’s one of the best pub names ever?
Bartender 1: Wait, you think? No. We’re -ALL- part of the Eternal Alchemy.
Spike: Clearly, we’re sitting here. I don’t see any floating mugs though.
Bartender 1: No. It’s not just here, it’s everywhere.
Spike: Rata Sum is one big pub?!
Spike and Simon high-five!
Simon: Asura Master-Race!
Bartender 1: Obviously. Wait, no! But yes. We’re not one giant pub you overgrown lummox. We are the epicenter of progress! What’s this about floating mugs?
Spike: Progress? Bah. Where are the floating mugs.
Bartender 1: We don’t have floating mugs.
Spike scoffs: You can make an entire civilization float but you can’t make your mugs float? Some priorities you have.
Bartender 1: What possible use would we have with floating mugs?
Spike: Think of all the games you could play? …like Beer Curling!
Simon, bluffing through his confusion: YEAH! Beer Curling!
Bartender 1: What in the Eternal Alchemy is Beer Curling?
Spike: I thought we were at the Eternal Alchemy?!
Bartender 1: Everything is IN the Eternal Alchemy!
Spike: So since we’re already here, you should know!
The bartender calmly hands Spike his drinks, demands immediate payment and goes about his business without another word, only muttering something about a ‘book-uh?’
Simon: Did the little guy say something about a book?
Spike: Lightweight Library?
Simon: I think you have to know what Beer Curling is to work there
The bartender groans loudly.
Spike: …but they don’t even have floating mugs.
Simon: We came to a floating city, inhabited by tiny people, who have this teleporting safety net, and they can’t be bothered to make floating mugs.
Spike, having downed his drinks already: Come on, Simon. Let’s find a place with a better name than ‘The Eternal Alchemy.’
The Bartender groans even louder.
Simon walks off with Spike: I have to admit though, it is a pretty good name – normal mugs and all.
References:
Geek and Sundry’s Tabletop (The Dick and Pickle)
Ep.6 – Sir Poopypants
Guild History