Pursuing Peace Under Pressure
The Buddha teaches us “attachment is the cause of suffering.” The Tao informs us “to see the limits of things, desire them.” My therapist adds “relate but don’t attach.” I have struggled with these ideas for my entire adult life, if not longer. When I see suffering, I want to dive in and help. Helping is important because I’ve done so much alone and I know what it is like to feel like you are drowning under the pressure we feel. Pursuing peace under pressure is a life skill that is taking me nearly forty years to begin learning. Whether we prefer it or not, life will continue to throw things our way until life itself ceases to be. As been stated throughout history, only the dead know peace. Peace, like meaning, is something we have to create ourselves; it is not simply the absence of stress or pressure.
In my quest to be helpful, I have all too often lost myself in the process of trying to help. I refuse to acknowledge limitations and try to solder through anything and everything to the point I collapse from the weight of it all. I have repeatedly tried to assume other peoples’ burdens as my own and manifest a solution from nothingness. By shouldering weight that wasn’t mine to carry, I neglect myself and fall further away from obtaining a measure of peace. I cling to small, fleeting victories for sustenance and convince myself effort alone will cure what ails us. An effort is essential, but I cannot reach into someone else’s heart and flip switches. Verily, even if I could fix others, I shouldn’t, for the healing journey is crucial, and I would be preventing such from happening.
Attaching beyond healthy boundaries is largely all I’ve known. I look at myself in the mirror and always say I can do more. Part of this stems from my limitations in life post-war. I struggle mightily with where the line lies between respecting myself and making excuses. However, deep down, I was trying to receive validation from others when I refuse to engage in that thought for myself. I was fighting for attention so I could pretend for a moment I was doing something right. I was trying to fix other peoples’ issues and hoping someone would fix mine instead of putting myself first and helping how I can in a healthy way.
Being someone helpful was who I have been at every opportunity available. I’ve come to understand more it is what I did, not who I was. We, particularly in the USA, tend to define ourselves through our profession. We answer the question of “Who are you?” (“Who am I?”) with how we pay the bills or a hobby we spend time doing. This lens is not only incorrect but tells us little about the actual answer to the question. If I say “I’m a writer,” that gives you little information about my character. Our choices in life turn into habits. Our habits gradually morph into our character; our character turns into a legacy or reputation over time. Our reputation, our legacy, is what others say when they talk about who you are.
Attempting to answer “Who am I?” ultimately leads us to label ourselves in a particular snapshot in time. Labels cause limits. Who we are is expressed through each decision. I tend to be a patient, compassionate, person but there are moments wherein I am angry and need to act to protect myself. At that moment, I can be both angry and be a patient person. We are fluid, living, changing beings. The labels (or lack thereof) we assign to ourselves will never fully encapsulate who we are – they merely reflect what we do at the time. Different people will label us with varying definitions as we reach into other facets of ourselves with each group or individual.
With each situation, we are given a chance to make a decision. Silence, or inaction, itself is a decision just as much as choosing to act. We select for ourselves which facet of us is expressed. We define for ourselves what is important in that situation. We will feel pressure either internally, externally, or both, and we have to live with ourselves for what we decide to do. We can develop harmony by balancing ourselves with our environment – a task easier said than done. We can worry less about defining our character, ‘who we are,’ and develop it organically with each event life throws at us. It isn’t too late to start giving ourselves meaning. We can choose to erect healthy boundaries. We can assist without assuming the burden for ourselves. We can create peace under pressure.
~Monk Anchorwind | Halloween 2021