The Evolution of Monk Anchorwind, Part 1
This pandemic leading into the riots have been a fantastic introspective learning opportunity. I’ve done little but think, having had long hours of silence, solitude, and meditation. I’ve had a few moments of joy spread out amongst a blanket of anxiety and despair. However, as I examine why I just continuously suffer, I feel I’ve gained a greater insight into myself. I have a better idea of who I am.
Who am I? I feel it would be easy to say I am an impossibly patient and relentlessly compassionate proactive deep-thinker. However, I think labels are what I do and not who I am. I show patience and give compassion. I am not those things. When you label something, you take away from something else. When one thing becomes beautiful, something else has to become ugly by definition.
I could say I am a conscious accumulation of excitations of quantum fields, and some science-minded Optimistic Nihilists in the room may give me a smile and a high-five. Still, I think we can agree that likely misses the point of the question. Furthermore, while we experience consciousness individually, we don’t understand what it is. We’re pretty sure we have it, but can’t even describe it.
Describing things drives to the heart of a realization I’ve come to over these recent times. I’ve spent so long helping people put words to emotions, describing things, that it became essential to me to have to explain everything. I needed real, concrete answers to everything. A question such as ‘Who am I?’ isn’t exactly suitable for such an explanation. Who I was isn’t who I am, who other people think I am isn’t accurate, and some would argue shouldn’t even be relevant. How do you describe the evolving complexities of a conscious being striving to be benevolent and meaningful? Do you focus on only the mistakes that fall short of the aspirations? Do you focus only on the pieces one likes or is of interest? People have facets and depth.
One thing I can say with certainty is something I am no longer, and that is a warrior. I was for a significant period of my life, and constantly arguing with people now is exhausting. I couldn’t fathom picking up a weapon again. What is humorous to me, when I sit down and look out my window to take a breath, is I’m not even taking a necessarily contrary position. I’m generally trying to give people some perspective, help temper flames. Lately, most of the people with whom I’m speaking, I agree with in principle but not in approach. Perhaps, having fought wars on both the ‘shock and awe’ side and the ‘hearts and minds’ side, I’ve learned hard lessons.
I also know since studying astronomy and astrophysics more, Taoism, and coming more to terms with my limitations, I’ve developed a sense of optimism. My understanding of my optimism is akin to an ember in a pile of coals, but it exists! It is a fascinating feeling for me to have a more balanced outlook instead of being one of the people being stuck in the gravity well of negativity. I am slowly trying to clear away the coals and make way for air and whatever fuel happens organically. I smile and laugh more than I give myself credit for, and the journey, while incomplete, of learning to co-exist with my fears and finding my purpose has been frightening but necessary. I still find myself in the passion of the moment from time-to-time. With that said, though, the limits of my love for the world remain undiscovered.
I was someone who tried to overcompensate my shortcomings through action, which has led me to get taken advantage of several times. I meant well, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Those scars set off a domino effect of other questionable decisions that ultimately leads to a strange sense of hope for the future and occasional glimpses of tranquility. I have a deep-seated sense of humor and a bizarre calm-under-pressure demeanor. I may be screaming on the inside, but I’m smiling on the outside. I understand the flows of hardship and happiness more than I ever have before. I know the fleeting and tenuous nature of progress and try to enjoy it whenever I can. However, the question remains, who am I? I think the best answer is a person who understands I don’t need to spend so much time worrying about that. I have tremendous difficulty seeing my progress on much of anything. Yet, It’s relieving and vital for me to be able to see and feel my genuine smile in the proverbial mirror even if it can be fragile at times.
The Evolution of Monk Anchorwind, Part 2
While I was pondering and editing part one, I felt there was something important absent from the message that could not be shoehorned in. In part one, I touched upon how I can look in the mirror and understand I’ve come much more to terms with not being who I used to be and not being concerned with labeling who I am. I am doing my best on a situation by situation basis, and I know in my heart the authenticity of that statement.
What I could not cover with due diligence was the evolution of relinquishing control. I was not one who needed to have all the bottles faced a certain way, or dictate what or where we ate, but there was a certain degree of control I tried to exert over things impossible for me in which to have any say. As someone with a relentless compassion and a fragile self, if someone didn’t react favorably, I would keep trying to ‘fix’ it. While I listened to what the reaction was, and I sincerely cared about the response and the person giving it, I wanted to fight and argue and persuade until the outcome was favorable to me. What I didn’t see until later was I never just accepted it. My life is filled with countless examples of unfavorable results; in fact, what little memory I have is dominated by them. Perhaps it was a fear of rejection or trying to end a pattern of failure, but I attempted to control outcomes that were not mine to control.
In a similar vein, I would struggle massively regarding news articles and government decisions that I couldn’t possibly influence. Aspects of life out of my hands, I would turn over in my mind to the point of breakdown. I would look at one possible positive outcome and invent dozens of negative outcomes. I was a self-perpetuating negative feedback loop. Unfortunately, I still find myself falling into these habits from time to time, but I’m better at catching myself and finding ways off of the ‘mental hamster wheel’ as it were. A few things I have no control over, deep down, I know pierce me to the core, and I haven’t yet let go. I’m getting there.
Learning to be present vulnerable and reciprocal has been a painful process full of people unwilling to join me. I held on to relationships long after they died because I assumed if I was alone (again), it meant something was wrong with me. It took me entirely too long to come to an understanding I could outgrow them. I tend to see the value in others and the mistakes in myself, and the thought of outgrowing someone seemed incomprehensible. As before, I ceased trying to exert my will onto the situation, stopped putting forth the initiative, and watched with mindfulness as the silent days became weeks and months. You can’t force a reaction, just as you can’t force a relationship. You can’t pull spring during winter. You enjoy what you have while you have it and let it go. Be who you are and do your best with what you have.
I still have goals, but I am less concerned about trying to accomplish them all at once. A long time ago, I wrote, “Plan slowly, execute quickly,” and only now am I realizing I was ahead of my times. I’ve always been a fan of more minimal design, things that are practical rather than stylish, and simple over flamboyant. I tend to eat simply and am primarily unafraid to answer a question when asked. I didn’t realize at the time is when I connected those things to the evolving simplicity of relinquishing control and putting down the fight, I would end up with a lifestyle that requires little in comparison to many others. I’m a reasonably low-maintenance, easy-going, person working through some of life’s difficulties and hoping others discover being present vulnerable and reciprocal is liberating and enlightening.
~Monk Anchorwind
31 May and 1 June 2020.