2022 was the ‘year of intention.’ I didn’t have a single intention guiding the entire year; instead, I tried to live with intention instead of drifting mindlessly throughout the day. It can be easy for us to become tunnel-visioned on what pops up in front of us and lose sight of the bigger pictures, which is true for me, especially with my memory and instability issues. Intention without action doesn’t mean a whole lot, so I tried to develop a daily practice of evaluating whether my actions match my intention(s). 2022 was a challenging year filled with one trial after another.
Reflecting on 2022 as a whole, I can say with saddened confidence my manic phases complicate life substantially. My manic phases are often associated with hypersocial activity, a consequence of desiring more healthy human relationships but having few. Over time I’ve learned if we don’t share what we have, we live a lonely life. I have things to share but not much of an audience. When my manic phases hit, my yearning for that human contact comes out as energetic desperation. In those phases, however, I’m not the best version of myself, so I tend to overshare or get into conversations I wouldn’t otherwise absent my ordinary filters and fully formed trains of thought. I’m typically cheerful but can often get into the delusions of grandeur territory by making hypothetical plans: “Oh, we should do *this.*” These plans are generally implausible, and I often feel bad for involving others in my energy.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Twenty years ago, I deployed in support of the initial invasion of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Events from that chain of moments can never be altered. From more significant mistakes like those to more well-meaning mistakes like my manic outbursts, I routinely judge myself harshly. I am not skilled at offering myself the grace I am so adept at giving others. I carry an excessive burden of guilt over every infraction, perceived or otherwise. As I have been writing, forgiveness is the relief of guilt – the removal of the burden of change. Forgiveness is my theme for the year 2023.
I’ve been watching many nature videos lately, particularly about rewilding and reclamation efforts. Human impacts on the environment have been vast and often devastating. We’ve lost billions of hectares of forests and grasslands (especially to grazing for meat consumption). Most natural wetlands worldwide have been impacted or lost. Our current economic model pushes hard the idea of infinite growth. We must continue to have more and more children to pay for the elderly and make more profit each quarter to appease the capital class. This economic truth has come at a cost for our environment and well-being. Our well-being is intimately related to the environment. I see rewilding and reclamation efforts as nature-based forgiveness, as people have collectively made many mistakes, and we’re learning how to rectify them.
I cannot rectify most of my mistakes, as they lie in the past. However, I have a long way to go in not letting my mistakes constitute the bulk of the water in my river of life. I do not need to be guided (and defined) solely by my mistakes, wherein the best course of action I can take is to rubber-band into a depressive phase and hide from the very people with whom I want to form/maintain a relationship. It is always difficult for me to reach out to anyone as the lens I view myself through is fiercely derogatory, and I have this quiet belief they hold the same lens. By practicing forgiveness more, perhaps I can slowly humanize myself more, allowing me to develop better relationships with others. While it doesn’t help that most of my limited memories when it comes to others aren’t positive, I remain hopeful – just as forests come back given the proper care.