Dear Diary,<\/p>\n
I want to say something akin to \u2018I\u2019ve been gradually digging into deeper layers of understanding,\u2019 but in reality, we get buried underneath a great deal of extraneous \u2018stuff\u2019 from a host of external sources. However, the more we understand, the lighter we feel, because we remove those needless layers of \u2018stuff\u2019 and expose ourselves to the actual world around us.\u00a0 We don\u2019t \u2018dig\u2019 into \u2018deeper\u2019 layers of understanding; ironically, the more we understand, the closer to the surface we rise.\u00a0 By the time we learn how to sit comfortably with ourselves on the surface (and not allow ourselves to get buried anymore), there is a level of cosmic humor, the level of simplicity required to achieve it all.\u00a0 For a while now, however, I\u2019ve been oscillating between calmness and anxiousness, and I couldn\u2019t figure out why until I, once again, exhausted myself well beyond any point of health.<\/p>\n
One of the final things left for me to let go of was meaning itself. I was attached to the notion everything had to have a meaning or purpose. \u00a0We feel purpose as a burden we must bear to its conclusion or suffer a negative consequence worse than the burden itself. \u00a0My burden is always to become or achieve something; I\u2019m always pushing myself to change and grow: to improve.\u00a0 If I succeeded in evolving, I would have justified the original meaning or purpose, go me.\u00a0 However, I can say with absolute certainty I\u2019ve rarely taken pride in my \u2018achievements.\u2019\u00a0 I was ingrained from a quite young age with an attitude wherein \u2018perfection is the standard, and we don\u2019t celebrate the standard.\u2019\u00a0 The other side of that coin is failures are met with swift punishment, and we get right back at it.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re asking questions along the line of \u2018Well, who says everything needs to have a meaning?\u201d or \u201cWho is holding you accountable for all this?\u201d You get it; you understand.\u00a0 There is no central authority dictating our purpose.\u00a0 There is no singular clock we all punch in and out of every day.\u00a0 In my struggles to be seen, to be valued, I ran myself ragged.\u00a0 I tried not just to educate, but I wanted to help shake people free from apathy, anger, anxiety, and more.\u00a0 My attempts weren\u2019t the problem per se, but it\u2019s how I went about them.\u00a0 The people who come to me or engage with me with an open heart in good faith have never been the issue \u2013 regardless of outcome.\u00a0 However, I used to try to pursue those whose hearts were closed, thinking I could help anyway, but we can\u2019t help those who don\u2019t want help.<\/p>\n
There is a significant difference between something being meaningful and feeling compelled to create meaning. We often do things for ourselves and others with meaning attached, but despite my skill at being present, I am not yet skilled at doing something just to do it. I\u2019ve encouraged people to create for the joy of creating for years now, yet, across the over one thousand pieces I\u2019ve made across visual, aural, and written media, almost all of them had a story (read: pre-existing meaning or purpose) behind them, driving their creation. I have yet to complete a single piece of music since my last Mother Machine project because \u2018I have nothing to say.\u2019 I don\u2019t yet know how to make something just for the fun of it.<\/p>\n
I feel I\u2019ve reached the surface, and the world is beautiful.\u00a0 I\u2019ve dipped my feet into the water, and the sensation is as refreshing as I always knew it could be, but my spirit is only now experiencing its first glimpses of calm.\u00a0 Unfortunately, for many people like me who have known little but conflict, its absence only means a time to stay on high alert and prepare.\u00a0 There\u2019s a reason I sleep during the morning, as most offensive operations happen at night, and my body still will not relent.\u00a0 I can be thoughtful and compassionate while also learning not to take life so seriously.<\/p>\n
Knowing what to do and doing it are two entirely different matters.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always been a person of action, and the path before me now isn\u2019t necessarily to \u2018do\u2019 less, but it is absolutely to force less, chase less, and enjoy more.\u00a0 The path before me now is to enjoy spontaneity simply because the (insert action here) sounds nice, not because it advances some bigger picture.\u00a0 Rather, to view the spontaneity of the mundane as advancing the bigger picture of enjoying the peaceful life I\u2019ve always craved but never (felt I) deserved. (*1)<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve come this far. What\u2019s one more? It\u2019s only letting go of something intrinsic to who I\u2019ve been for longer than I can remember. Simple but not easy, right?<\/p>\n
reBLUEvinate!<\/p>\n
(*1) I know part of why I have always held on to meaning was thinking about combat-related concerns. I have and will never get to ask the families whose lives we (including me personally) permanently destroyed, ripped apart, or irredeemably altered for any sort of closure. It has never felt right to unilaterally decide to be peaceful and happy while they are still without their homes and family members. I don\u2019t have the answers about when it is ok to put it down, but I do know living in a culture that openly chooses to protect pedophiles and corrupt capitalists over doing the right thing at almost any available opportunity doesn\u2019t help \u2013 if I yearn for accountability, it starts with me, no?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Diary, I want to say something akin to \u2018I\u2019ve been gradually digging into deeper layers of understanding,\u2019 but in reality, we get buried underneath a great deal of extraneous \u2018stuff\u2019 from a host of external sources. However, the more we understand, the lighter we feel, because we remove those needless layers of \u2018stuff\u2019 and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[304,337],"tags":[340],"class_list":["post-240502","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-diary","category-the-mindfulness-journey","tag-340"],"yoast_head":"\n