Of Emotions and Stoicism <\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n
Sometimes, I think I am in control of how I feel.\u00a0 Sometimes, I think I can preempt how I will react to something – I can simulate it in my mind and soften the blow enough to where I don’t feel anymore.<\/p>\n
God knows I’ve been trying.\u00a0 Every fucking day, I try to rip myself away from the tear inducing levels of anger I feel on a near constant basis.\u00a0\u00a0 Endless loneliness, being used unrepentantly, constant physical pain, memory loss and disorientation, and all that is even before I turn on the news and learn about how we’re terrible to each other.\u00a0 We’re gleefully horrible to each other.\u00a0 We make money off of being shitty to each other.<\/p>\n
Is the world getting worse?\u00a0 Are we just spreading information better?\u00a0 Both?\u00a0 People did some really fucked up things before.\u00a0 See: Organized Religion.<\/p>\n
I, like so many around me, put on masks.\u00a0 Every day, all the time.\u00a0 We lie to ourselves.\u00a0 We lie to our loved ones, everyone we interact with.\u00a0 The people passing us by.\u00a0 The people on the internet.\u00a0 Everyone.<\/p>\n
“Who are you?\u00a0 Who?\u00a0 Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask”\u00a0 – V for Vendetta<\/p>\n
I’ve tried absolute honesty.\u00a0 I am more honest than I am a liar.\u00a0 It’s one of the primary reasons I am so lonely.\u00a0 No one likes people without masks.\u00a0 Emotions must be dampened if not discarded.\u00a0 Hobbled if not hidden.<\/p>\n
A smile might earn you a few minutes with someone, a tear or a growl will have you cast out.<\/p>\n
I walk around and get lip service at best.\u00a0 Hollow words filled with empty promises written on checks that were pre-voided.\u00a0 Confrontation leads to avoidance.<\/p>\n
That just lengthens the periods of loneliness.<\/p>\n
Put on the mask.<\/p>\n
Pretend.<\/p>\n
Stoicism.<\/p>\n
No expression.\u00a0\u00a0 No thought.\u00a0 No advocacy.<\/p>\n
The sooner you realize that almost always (rare exceptions apply) you can be in the active presence of others yet not be considered at all, the better.\u00a0 No “I’ve had my share, here’s yours.”\u00a0 No “I’ve got what I want, let’s get you what you want.”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No “you think of me, so I’m thinking of you.”\u00a0 Such things don’t exist.\u00a0 I am invisible to the very people I am setting the example to.<\/p>\n
…but I’ve been mentally preparing to soften these blows.\u00a0 I’ve been going over this in my head.\u00a0 Over and over again.<\/p>\n
It doesn’t matter.\u00a0 It never hurts less, and I never stop wondering why.<\/p>\n
I know it’s coming, not five minutes down the road.\u00a0 I am well prepared.\u00a0 It’s always been like this.\u00a0 There’s no sign of it ever being different.\u00a0 I can’t stop feeling.<\/p>\n
I am told another death is approaching.\u00a0 I knew it was coming sooner or later.\u00a0\u00a0 I was able to not think about it directly at first, I talked about things about it and surrounding it.\u00a0 It wasn’t until the conversation was over that the weight pushed into me.\u00a0 Why did I think I would be able to take it in stride?\u00a0 I get upset at an animal corpse at the side of the road.\u00a0 I am emotionally incapable of watching certain commercials (like SPCA and related). How did I ever think I would just be ok?<\/p>\n
“Hey.\u00a0 I hope you’re doing ok – I need you to do something for me.”\u00a0 Thanks…<\/p>\n
People don’t like seeing me cry – they avoid me like the plague when I do.\u00a0 I don’t like them seeing me in such a state either.\u00a0 I suppose it’s a small silver lining then, that I will never receive any visitors save for the rare person seeking a service.\u00a0 That’s not a visit, as much as a business trip.<\/p>\n
My statement stands – no visitors.\u00a0\u00a0 Sad, that.\u00a0 I only invite everyone.<\/p>\n
I offer nothing of value.\u00a0 I know this by their actions.<\/p>\n
I hate thinking about people dying.\u00a0 Not only do I think about the deaths I am responsible for, but I wish it was me instead of them.<\/p>\n
Stoicism?\u00a0 Not here.<\/p>\n
Masks, Lies,\u00a0 False Motivation (HOOAH!) , and practiced smiles.<\/p>\n
It’s a mad world.<\/p>\n
“All around me are familiar faces
\nWorn out places, worn out faces
\nBright and early for their daily races
\nGoing nowhere, going nowhere
\nTheir tears are filling up their glasses
\nNo expression, no expression
\nHide my head I want to drown my sorrow
\nNo tomorrow, no tomorrow<\/p>\n
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
\nThe dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
\nI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
\nWhen people run in circles it’s a very very
\nmad world mad world<\/p>\n
Children waiting for the day they feel good
\nHappy birthday, happy birthday
\nMade to feel the way that every child should
\nSit and listen, sit and listen
\nWent to school and I was very nervous
\nNo one knew me, no one knew me
\nHello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
\nLook right through me, look right through me<\/p>\n
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
\nThe dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
\nI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
\nWhen people run in circles it’s a very very
\nMad world, world
\nEnlarge your world
\nMad world”\u00a0 – Tears For Fears<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Of Emotions and Stoicism — Sometimes, I think I am in control of how I feel.\u00a0 Sometimes, I think I can preempt how I will react to something – I can simulate it in my mind and soften the blow enough to where I don’t feel anymore. God knows I’ve been trying.\u00a0 Every fucking day, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[338],"tags":[231,140],"class_list":["post-25617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-considered-thoughts","tag-231","tag-death"],"yoast_head":"\n