Spike:\u00a0 You know what’s weird?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 You never see any Dept. of Public Works employees in Divinity’s Reach?<\/p>\n
Spike thinks for a moment, and then gives a look of approval.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 I mean think about it,\u00a0 where are all the contractors?<\/p>\n
Spike is starting to regret opening his mouth.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 For that matter, how do merchants make their money?\u00a0 I never see anyone buying anything.\u00a0 All these people walk in from all corners of Tyria and simply sell stuff.\u00a0\u00a0 Who are the merchants selling this junk to?\u00a0 It’s a junk conspiracy I’m telling you.<\/p>\n
Spike groans.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 And where do monsters keep getting all this loot anyway?\u00a0 Why is most of it @#$% ?\u00a0 We need to build a ‘good-loot-detector.’<\/p>\n
Spike sighs:\u00a0 Like that would just instantly get broken or stolen.<\/p>\n
Simon hmms:\u00a0 How so?\u00a0 We wouldn’t tell anyone about it.\u00a0 We can just wander about, and when it goes off we sidetrack a bit.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Wouldn’t it just point us to the safe-houses of really powerful people?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Or a Silverlock?<\/p>\n
Spike and Simon fistbump:\u00a0 Sick burn, dood.<\/p>\n
As they keep wandering the streets of Divinity’s Reach, they openly debate the existence of Crysania, the Silverlock, and the possibility of making a decent loot finding device.\u00a0 Everything was still so far away.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 We should head to the city that’s a clear anagram of Mursaat.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Why hasn’t anyone else picked up on that?<\/p>\n
Simon shrugs:\u00a0 They didn’t just fight them last month like we did.<\/p>\n
Spike nods:\u00a0 Oh yeah,\u00a0 but why should we go there?<\/p>\n
Simon: Duh, they’re clearly the bosses around here.\u00a0 They can run as fast we can, jump as high as we can, hit as hard as we can, build @#$%ing teleport portals, entire floating cities, independent automaton systems, …<\/p>\n
Spike stops listening.<\/p>\n
Simon concludes: and their only real limitation seems to be they sabotage themselves on a daily basis.\u00a0 If anyone could build a item finding thingy it would be them.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 I wonder what kind of drinks they have.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 I wonder if their mugs float.<\/p>\n
Spike starts grinning:\u00a0 No-handed drinking game?<\/p>\n
Simon laughs:\u00a0 Who else but you would think about drinking in zero-G as a first course of action.<\/p>\n
Spike has already begun walking towards the nearest portal.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 I have a couple other things on my mind.<\/p>\n
Spike: Eh?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Where does everyone get born at?\u00a0 Like, there’s no hospitals or anything.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 What’s a hospital?<\/p>\n
Simon frowns:\u00a0 Speaking of hospitals, I wonder if I’m emitting radiation and I’m killing you just by standing here.<\/p>\n
Spike is stunned and confused:\u00a0 WTF is radiation?\u00a0 What are you talking about?<\/p>\n
Spike composes himself a little bit:\u00a0 You know, man,\u00a0 back in the day -I- was the crazy one.\u00a0 I liked it better that way.\u00a0 Now you’re saying all this weird @#$% and staring off into distances and talking to people who aren’t there.\u00a0\u00a0 You’re strange these days.<\/p>\n
Simon looks into the camera and frowns.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 It’s weird enough that we’re spirit aspects of a powerful clan matriarch – who no one has heard of other than one historian by name only – but you’re just losing it, man.<\/p>\n
Simon’s shoulders slump.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Why do you want good loot anyway?\u00a0 What are we doing to do with it?\u00a0 We’ve never cared about that @#$%.<\/p>\n
Simon nods.<\/p>\n
Spike: Especially you.\u00a0 You merge with me and light people on fire – which is kind of cool and kind of creepy. –<\/p>\n
Simon giggles.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 What’s a fancy looking scepter going to do for you then?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Ok, I get it.\u00a0 What are we going to do?\u00a0 We still don’t really have a good direction one way or another.<\/p>\n
Without so much as a second thought, Spike tries to roundhouse kick Simon square in the chest!\u00a0 Simon leaps backwards to dodge, but Spike recovers and takes off sprinting towards the portal.\u00a0\u00a0 That was going to be a cheap shot for being called poopyboots.\u00a0 Simon gives pursuit, a fast moving ball of running flame frightening a couple nearby children.<\/p>\n
Simon leaps through the portal and finds himself in another City.\u00a0 He vaguely recognizes it as Lion’s Arch.\u00a0 All sorts of portals are here.\u00a0 He quickly scans the horizon and there is only one person running.\u00a0 It’s Spike alright, dashing towards a portal guarded by a couple very short creatures.\u00a0\u00a0 Simon wastes no time giving chase.\u00a0 The guards try to close in on Spike, who just hurdles over them.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Simon just shoulder tackles one, catching them off guard.\u00a0 They didn’t see him giving chase.<\/p>\n
Simon pops out of the portal to some of the coolest @#$% he’s ever seen in a long time.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 he’s still trying to find Spike.\u00a0\u00a0 Spike was being held up by a local Golem and it gave Simon a chance to catch up.\u00a0 Seeing Simon close the distance, Spike tried to slip to the side but to no avail.\u00a0 \u00a0Instead,\u00a0 a leaping Simon managed to grab a hold of Spike and they tripped and tumbled to the edge of one of the arms of Rata Sum’s portal sections.<\/p>\n
Flailing their arms and yelling obscenities wasn’t enough and Spike fell off.\u00a0 \u00a0In his last effort, he managed to grab Simon and yanked him off too.\u00a0 They were both falling to the jungle surface below.\u00a0 The grand scale and beauty of Rata Sum, while clearly visible from the outside, was zipping by and soon wasn’t going to matter to the splattered remains of the pair.\u00a0\u00a0 Then it happened.\u00a0 For some reason neither of them could explain they found themselves in a cell, somewhere in Rata Sum.\u00a0 The energy shield on one side wouldn’t let them out and they were trapped in this cell.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 … … …what just happened?<\/p>\n
Spike: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT WAS @#$%ING AWESOME!<\/p>\n
Simon helplessly chuckles.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Can we do it again?\u00a0 Can we?!<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Sure…whatever -that- was.<\/p>\n
Spike dances with glee.<\/p>\n
While Spike was dancing an Asuran Peacekeeper came to check up on the new commotion.<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 More thrillseekers?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Well, generally, yes – but not specifically this time?\u00a0 Maybe?<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 What?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 What he means to say is we haven’t the slightest how we got here.<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1: Right.\u00a0 I wasn’t born yesterday.<\/p>\n
Simon’s flame puffs with excitement:\u00a0 Where were you born?!\u00a0 Was it a hospital?<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 What’s a hospital?\u00a0 Isn’t that just a place to treat wounded?\u00a0 Why would I be born in a place like that?\u00a0 You’re strange…and on fire.<\/p>\n
Spike: You get used to it.<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 I’ll let you out for 50c .\u00a0 It’s the transportation fee.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Transportation?<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 Think of it as a safety net for jumpers like you.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 It more like a fall.<\/p>\n
Simon: …you pulled me off.<\/p>\n
Spike: You tackled me first!<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 You tried to kick me!<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 I had @#$% on my boots and you lit it on fire!<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 You almost got us trampled!<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1:\u00a0 Forget the coin, just leave!\u00a0 Damned humans.<\/p>\n
Spike and Simon continue to grumble at each other but drop it for now.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Where is the nearest pub?\u00a0 I want to wreck some no-handed drinking challenges.<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1: …oh by the Eternal Alchemy…<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Is that the name of the pub?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 That sounds like a good pub name.<\/p>\n
Simon nods:\u00a0 I approve.<\/p>\n
Peacekeeper 1: LEAVE!!! LEAVE NOW!<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Geez.\u00a0 No need to be so pushy, we’ll find the Eternal Alchemy on our own.<\/p>\n
Simon nods with authority.<\/p>\n
The Peacekeeper shakes his head with disgust.<\/p>\n
…and so the pair are let loose and begin to wander lower Rata Sum, loudly debating pub names.<\/p>\n
Simon: Do you remember ‘The Dick and Pickle?’<\/p>\n
Spike laughs:\u00a0 No, but who would name their place ‘The Dick and Pickle?’<\/p>\n
Simon, flatly: They did.<\/p>\n
Spike, still laughing: Of course.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 If Lalandra had an inn, would she call it the ‘Sleeping Henchman?’<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Why sleeping?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Well you can’t call it ‘The Dead Henchman’<\/p>\n
Spike: Why not, it would be more accurate.\u00a0 They could name all their drinks something morbid.\u00a0\u00a0 House Special: Knock Out Punch!\u00a0 A very boozy fruit concoction.\u00a0 Serve it in some big @#$%ing bowl with like three straws and taunt the patrons for drinking it too slow.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Are we talking about Lalandra’s place? Or yours?<\/p>\n
Spike giggles manically.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 OOH! And Balreth’s place!\u00a0 “The Lightweight Library”\u00a0 Where the drinks are small and the books aren’t.<\/p>\n
Spike makes a face of mild disinterest.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 All the drinks are classic cocktails, in ‘proper proportions’ for near-teetotalers like himself.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 That place would probably smell all sorts of awful when it rains.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 What kinds of pub games would you play in there?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Who can be the quietest for the longest?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Well you lost.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 @#$% off, street lamp.<\/p>\n
They both sigh in unison.\u00a0 They were both thinking it at the same time.\u00a0 What could Crysania’s pub be? Neither of them said anything for several steps.<\/p>\n
Simon broke the silence first:\u00a0 Probably a big empty room…<\/p>\n
Spike nods:\u00a0 Yeah, she did like her space.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 With a lot of variety of beers.\u00a0 The bitterest.<\/p>\n
Spike smiles:\u00a0 She did have good taste, I’ll give her that.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Hey, I think we found a place.<\/p>\n
Spike runs to the bar:\u00a0 Is this the Eternal Alchemy?<\/p>\n
The Asuran bartender is taken aback:\u00a0 Sort of.\u00a0 Everything has a place in the Eternal Alchemy.<\/p>\n
Spike interpreted that they were welcomed and they plopped down and ordered two drinks.\u00a0 Spike would drink Simon’s share, as was custom.<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 Why are you looking for the Eternal Alchemy?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Floating Mugs!\u00a0 I have to dry no-hands drinking!<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Don’t you think it’s one of the best pub names ever?<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 Wait, you think?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 We’re -ALL- part of the Eternal Alchemy.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Clearly, we’re sitting here.\u00a0 I don’t see any floating mugs though.<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It’s not just here, it’s everywhere.<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Rata Sum is one big pub?!<\/p>\n
Spike and Simon high-five!<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Asura Master-Race!<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 Obviously.\u00a0 Wait, no!\u00a0 But yes.\u00a0 We’re not one giant pub you overgrown lummox. \u00a0\u00a0We are the epicenter of progress!\u00a0 What’s this about floating mugs?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Progress?\u00a0 Bah.\u00a0 Where are the floating mugs.<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 We don’t have floating mugs.<\/p>\n
Spike scoffs:\u00a0 You can make an entire civilization float but you can’t make your mugs float?\u00a0 Some priorities you have.<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 What possible use would we have with floating mugs?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Think of all the games you could play?\u00a0 …like Beer Curling!<\/p>\n
Simon, bluffing through his confusion:\u00a0 YEAH! Beer Curling!<\/p>\n
Bartender 1:\u00a0 What in the Eternal Alchemy is Beer Curling?<\/p>\n
Spike: I thought we were at the Eternal Alchemy?!<\/p>\n
Bartender 1: Everything is IN the Eternal Alchemy!<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 So since we’re already here, you should know!<\/p>\n
The bartender calmly hands Spike his drinks, demands immediate payment and goes about his business without another word, only muttering something about a ‘book-uh?’<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 Did the little guy say something about a book?<\/p>\n
Spike:\u00a0 Lightweight Library?<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 I think you have to know what Beer Curling is to work there<\/p>\n
The bartender groans loudly.<\/p>\n
Spike: …but they don’t even have floating mugs.<\/p>\n
Simon:\u00a0 We came to a floating city, inhabited by tiny people, who have this teleporting safety net, and they can’t be bothered to make floating mugs.<\/p>\n
Spike, having downed his drinks already:\u00a0 Come on, Simon.\u00a0 Let’s find a place with a better name than ‘The Eternal Alchemy.’<\/p>\n
The Bartender groans even louder.<\/p>\n
Simon walks off with Spike:\u00a0 I have to admit though, it is a pretty good name – normal mugs and all.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
References:<\/p>\n
Geek and Sundry’s Tabletop (The Dick and Pickle)<\/p>\n
Ep.6 – Sir Poopypants<\/p>\n
Guild History<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Spike:\u00a0 You know what’s weird? Simon:\u00a0 You never see any Dept. of Public Works employees in Divinity’s Reach? Spike thinks for a moment, and then gives a look of approval. Simon:\u00a0 I mean think about it,\u00a0 where are all the contractors? Spike is starting to regret opening his mouth. Simon:\u00a0 For that matter, how do […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[267],"class_list":["post-26310","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-quin","tag-267"],"yoast_head":"\n