Dread,\u00a0 this unshakable feeling that something bad is about to happen, is a terrible way to ‘live.’\u00a0 Lately I have found myself in this state.\u00a0 I have found myself in this state not only with increasing regularity,\u00a0 but increasing intensity.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While I’m not convinced something bad is about to happen in the same way I am convinced two plus two equals four,\u00a0 the feeling and thoughts are unmistakable.\u00a0 I have been here before,\u00a0 and never wanted to be here again.\u00a0 In several ways I have entered a ‘fight or flight’ mode and I’ve done some of both.<\/p>\n
On the ‘fight’ side of the behavior spectrum,\u00a0 I find myself being confrontational.\u00a0 Perhaps like a prey animal challenging its hunter,\u00a0 I am just trying to cease the waiting period and bring forth the looming consequences now.\u00a0 I have open dialogue with myself, mostly, but others as well.\u00a0 I ponder aloud what it is I am doing that would merit such fear in me.\u00a0\u00a0 Considering I haven’t really gone anywhere, done much of anything,\u00a0 said much, and have been making deliberate efforts to be a more positive person who doesn’t just diminish myself all the time,\u00a0 I truly don’t know.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Despite all that,\u00a0 the dread is still coming.<\/p>\n
On the ‘flight’ side of the spectrum,\u00a0 I find myself becoming rapidly overwhelmed and needing to stay home.\u00a0 I struggle to keep my interest up in most things I have, and was, doing.\u00a0 While I am still eating,\u00a0 it is more me consciously telling myself I should;\u00a0 nothing is appealing,\u00a0 and nothing is particularly tasty.\u00a0 I still shower, but it isn’t the mind-clearing and enjoyable experience it normally is.\u00a0 \u00a0My sleep cycle is irregular, but finding solace under the covers of my bed is something I am grateful for.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I could try to avoid both pain levels and whatever negative consequences were coming for me by closing my eyes and staying in bed.<\/p>\n
I know where part of it comes from,\u00a0 this feeling of impending doom.\u00a0 I, we, are surrounded by it, immersed in it.\u00a0\u00a0 The Midterm Elections are only a few days away (comparatively),\u00a0 and there is too much at stake not to be worried.\u00a0\u00a0 In addition,\u00a0 there is so much already wrong:\u00a0\u00a0 voter suppression efforts,\u00a0 gerrymandering,\u00a0 unpunished crimes, and more.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Then, there is just general patterns of negativity in general.\u00a0\u00a0 Try to be positive and be met with negativity in return,\u00a0\u00a0 offer negativity and often be one-upped with more negativity.\u00a0\u00a0 Sometimes there is no winning.<\/p>\n
The aforementioned are things largely out of my control, for they all involve choices and behaviors of other people.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The part I still am lost on is where all this dread stems from regarding me.\u00a0\u00a0 What am I doing so wrong that I need to be afraid of something.\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t know what I did, and I don’t know what this something is,\u00a0 but the fear is real.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Recently, I couldn’t find my wallet for a while.\u00a0 I melted down, essentially.\u00a0\u00a0 I retraced my steps,\u00a0 I worked it out,\u00a0 I knew with confidence it was in my office.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Everything else was in my office,\u00a0 I still had my same clothes on, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 Something actually went wrong, and it was not the kind of validation I needed.\u00a0\u00a0 I spent hours looking for it, tearing my house, and car, \u00a0apart. \u00a0\u00a0I checked my bank,\u00a0 a few times, to ensure no one else had it even though I hadn’t gone anywhere.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 An exhausted me finally went to bed, unable to find it, after sunrise.\u00a0\u00a0 I found it later that day,\u00a0 it was in my office but in a place wherein I simply can’t explain how it got there.\u00a0\u00a0 Relieved,\u00a0 confused,\u00a0 and still a bit frustrated,\u00a0 I looked around at the gigantic mess my house now is and I feel the state of my house is reflective of the state of my life: a gigantic mess.<\/p>\n
I want to go around and clean it all up but in both instances I don’t even know where to begin.\u00a0\u00a0 I still feel as if something bad is going to happen but it is more of a minor discomfort in the pit of my chest rather than a paralyzing, all-consuming, fear.\u00a0\u00a0 There are a few people I wouldn’t mind having some conversations with, just so they can tell me “no, you’re ok.”\u00a0 I need to pick somewhere,\u00a0 probably the clothes on the floor, whose pockets I checked furiously,\u00a0 and put them away.\u00a0\u00a0 Similarly,\u00a0 I need to somehow put this fear away.\u00a0\u00a0 I understand I have brief respites of good in between the various battlefields of bad,\u00a0 but this one was particularly terrible.<\/p>\n
As the old Army solution goes “Drink water, stretch.”\u00a0 Get back to work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dread,\u00a0 this unshakable feeling that something bad is about to happen, is a terrible way to ‘live.’\u00a0 Lately I have found myself in this state.\u00a0 I have found myself in this state not only with increasing regularity,\u00a0 but increasing intensity.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While I’m not convinced something bad is about to happen in the same way I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[304],"tags":[270,263,32],"class_list":["post-26738","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-diary","tag-270","tag-anxiety","tag-self"],"yoast_head":"\n