[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”3.0.48″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”3.0.74″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”]<\/p>\n
I have more friends now than in a very long time, perhaps ever.\u00a0\u00a0 My friends are both here and spread out across multiple continents.\u00a0\u00a0 They share different skin tones, gender identities, sexual orientations, levels of economic security, ideas, beliefs, education levels, so on and so forth. Some of my friends I have known for over 10 years, and some I only just met recently.\u00a0\u00a0 Some of my friends are multi-faceted in that we share multiple interests, or have long histories together, and other friends and I share that one thing and that’s about it.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 despite all the diversity of people with whom I interact, they share a common thread; I must initiate interactions with virtually all of them, virtually every time.<\/p>\n
In my ongoing quest to truly come to terms with myself,\u00a0 and all that entails,\u00a0 this is a sticking point.\u00a0 I would like to think in terms of: “If I were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a ‘yes.'” as well as “If a neutral third party were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a ‘yes.'”\u00a0\u00a0 Is my worth insufficient for them to be the initiation force?\u00a0\u00a0 Is there nothing valuable enough about me, across everyone, to be sought out?\u00a0\u00a0 If I were to die today, how long would it take you to discover?<\/p>\n
Beyond initiation, I’ve also been paying attention to the content of conversations.\u00a0 With rare exception,\u00a0 more and more people just want me for a singular task, focus, or purpose:\u00a0 let’s only talk music, let’s only talk politics,\u00a0 let’s only talk veteran stuff, etc.\u00a0 This is strange to me, being that I specifically ask about people in general, as in: how is work,\u00a0 what else is going on, what is new,\u00a0 how are the kids,\u00a0 anything exciting,\u00a0 and other questions that give people an opportunity to give people a chance to get away from the ‘same ol’ same ol” and discuss something they, perhaps, have been itching to get off their chest, or has just popped up.\u00a0\u00a0 I genuinely care about people as a whole, not just one segment.\u00a0 If I get that at all, it is from a few people and not via their initiation.<\/p>\n
I try to think bigger picture.\u00a0 I try to think ‘maybe everyone is simply too busy.’ \u00a0This is 2018 America after all:\u00a0 where life gets more expensive, but your wages stay the same or decrease.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 that is just a roundabout way of going back to my worth.\u00a0 Regardless of what we do, we assign value to things.\u00a0\u00a0 If a few people I don’t really talk to, or see, don’t bother to say hi or anything – fine,\u00a0 but everyone?\u00a0 It’s hard not to ponder what it is about me that makes me not worth the initiation.\u00a0 I’m worth the response, and the time invested in the conversations\/game sessions\/hangout\/jams that follow – but not initiating said time themselves.<\/p>\n
I thought, perhaps I reach out too much?\u00a0 However, I disappear for weeks at a time with no ‘Where did you go?’ outreach.\u00a0 Perhaps my published work (on website and discord servers, etc) is sufficient for most?\u00a0 I don’t have the answers.\u00a0 When I ask directly I get a myriad of responses, that usually boil down to ‘I’ll try to be better’ or anger that I dared to be confrontational.\u00a0\u00a0 I understand I’m not great at standing up for myself, and some people truly do not like when I do. \u00a0\u00a0I don’t understand this unidirectional paradigm I find myself in,\u00a0 but I do understand it’s wrong.\u00a0\u00a0 Relationships should be two-way streets, give and take systems that work for everyone involved.\u00a0 I shouldn’t be asking questions about my worth in other people’s eyes because I put forth the work,\u00a0 and could have already vanished without anyone knowing.\u00a0 That isn’t how it is supposed to be.<\/p>\n
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I have more friends now than in a very long time, perhaps ever.\u00a0\u00a0 My friends are both here and spread out across multiple continents.\u00a0\u00a0 They share different skin tones, gender identities, sexual orientations, levels of economic security, ideas, beliefs, education levels, so on and so forth. Some of my friends I have known for over […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"I have more friends now than in a very long time, perhaps ever.\u00a0\u00a0 My friends are both here and spread out across multiple continents.\u00a0\u00a0 They share different skin tones, gender identities, sexual orientations, levels of economic security, ideas, beliefs, education levels, so on and so forth.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Some of my friends I have known for over 10 years, and some I only just met recently.\u00a0\u00a0 Some of my friends are multi-faceted in that we share multiple interests, or have long histories together, and other friends and I share that one thing and that's about it.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 However,\u00a0 despite all the diversity of people with whom I interact, they share a common thread; I must initiate interactions with virtually all of them, virtually every time.\r\n\r\nIn my ongoing quest to truly come to terms with myself,\u00a0 and all that entails,\u00a0 this is a sticking point.\u00a0 I would like to think in terms of: \"If I were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a 'yes.'\" as well as \"If a neutral third party were to ask them all, collectively or individually, if I have worth the answer would be a 'yes.'\"\u00a0\u00a0 Is my worth insufficient for them to be the initiation force?\u00a0\u00a0 Is there nothing valuable enough about me, across everyone, to be sought out?\u00a0\u00a0 If I were to die today, how long would it take you to discover?\r\n\r\nBeyond initiation, I've also been paying attention to the content of conversations.\u00a0\u00a0 With rare exception,\u00a0 more and more people just want me for a singular task, focus, or purpose:\u00a0 let's only talk music, let's only talk politics,\u00a0 let's only talk veteran stuff, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 This is strange to me, being that I specifically ask about people in general, as in: how is work,\u00a0 what else is going on, what is new,\u00a0 how are the kids,\u00a0 anything exciting,\u00a0 and other questions that give people an opportunity to give people a chance to get away from the 'same ol' same ol'' and discuss something they, perhaps, have been itching to get off their chest, or has just popped up.\u00a0\u00a0 I genuinely care about people as a whole, not just one segment.\u00a0 If I get that at all,\u00a0 it is from a few people and not via their initiation.\r\n\r\nI try to think bigger picture.\u00a0 I try to think 'maybe everyone is simply too busy.' \u00a0This is 2018 America after all:\u00a0 where life gets more expensive, but your wages stay the same or decrease. \u00a0\u00a0However,\u00a0 that is just a roundabout way of going back to my worth.\u00a0\u00a0 Regardless of what we do, we assign value to things.\u00a0\u00a0 If a few people I don't really talk to, or see, don't bother to say hi or anything - fine,\u00a0 but everyone?\u00a0 It's hard not to ponder what it is about me that makes me not worth the initiation.\u00a0 I'm worth the response, and the time invested in the conversations\/game sessions\/hangout\/jams that follow - but not initiating said time themselves.\r\n\r\nI thought, perhaps I reach out too much?\u00a0 However,\u00a0 I disappear for weeks at a time with no 'Where did you go?' outreach.\u00a0 Perhaps my published work (on website and discord servers, etc) is sufficient for most?\u00a0\u00a0 I don't have the answers.\u00a0 When I ask directly I get a myriad of responses, that usually boil down to 'I'll try to be better' or anger that I dared to be confrontational.\u00a0\u00a0 I understand I'm not great at standing up for myself, and some people truly do not like when I do. \u00a0\u00a0I don't understand this unidirectional paradigm I find myself in,\u00a0 but I do understand it's wrong.\u00a0\u00a0 Relationships should be two-way streets, give and take systems that work for everyone involved.\u00a0 I shouldn't be asking questions about my worth in other people's eyes because I put forth the work,\u00a0 and could have already vanished without anyone knowing.\u00a0\u00a0 That isn't how it is supposed to be.","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[338],"tags":[270,172],"class_list":["post-26771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-considered-thoughts","tag-270","tag-communication"],"yoast_head":"\n