I do my best to be present and mindful.\u00a0 I try to be aware of how my actions impact those around me.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 I try to think of things as a path upon which we walk.\u00a0 Generally speaking, I walk alone and not by choice.\u00a0 I have moments of peace and relative acceptance, and I try to take advantage of them to the best of my ability.\u00a0 For the most part, however, I feel as if I am continually managing fear dread and trying to convince myself the future will be better than the past.<\/p>\n
I do not feel safe or secure.\u00a0 I wake up feeling like something terrible is about to happen, and often that feeling persists for most of the day.\u00a0\u00a0 I have to push back against it to accomplish anything at all consciously.\u00a0 I am at my best when I can relax and let things flow through or around me.\u00a0 When I can accept my limitations and be content with what comparatively little, I can manage that day or the one person I helped that day.\u00a0 Being accompanied by these fearful party members on my journey prevents me from ever leaving a fight or flight state of being, despite exhausting and constant to efforts precisely to that effect.<\/p>\n
I want to believe my nature is one of simplicity, kindness, patience, and compassion.\u00a0 I want to think I am worth wanting, and my journey is not confined to isolation forever.\u00a0 I have lived in the dark, cold, quiet environments for most of my life.\u00a0\u00a0 I wouldn’t mind something a little brighter, a little warmer, more cheerful, and I long for a reciprocal connection.\u00a0 I’m trying my best to be worthy of such things, and not exiled to a lonely existence of being trapped by anxiety and dominated by fear. \u00a0I have been walking this path already for a great many steps.<\/p>\n
I try not to dwell on things beyond my control.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 fear and anxiety should be within my control.\u00a0 I feel I should be able to put them down or let them flow around me rather than struggle so hard within me.\u00a0 I go from numb to overwhelmed and back to numb again.\u00a0 I’ll find myself quietly crying to myself as a release mechanism, and then afterward doing daily tasks in the quiet after the tears.\u00a0 I know what I want to do,\u00a0 but I don’t know how to do it.\u00a0 I wish I didn’t live in such silence, but I tried and lost that war. \u00a0I am confident when life re-opens, some of this will resolve itself when I’m back in the gym I will feel better about myself and the noises of the place will be comforting in its own right.<\/p>\n
As I sit here, however, fighting a battle entirely in my mind, I am embarrassed to be losing.\u00a0 I am actively trying to do more than survive throughout the day.\u00a0\u00a0 I want the future to be better; more of the same is crushing to me.\u00a0 I’m trying to show people hope by example, initiative, forgiveness, and other things I so desperately need.\u00a0\u00a0 Perhaps I am going about everything all wrong. Maybe my goals are unreasonable. \u00a0I would like not to be always fighting off the feeling of impending doom, get out of fight or flight mode,\u00a0 and I would like to feel valued.\u00a0 I want someone to want me on their journey, too, not just as a convenient solution to a problem along the way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I do my best to be present and mindful.\u00a0 I try to be aware of how my actions impact those around me.\u00a0 However,\u00a0 I try to think of things as a path upon which we walk.\u00a0 Generally speaking, I walk alone and not by choice.\u00a0 I have moments of peace and relative acceptance, and I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[304],"tags":[291,166],"class_list":["post-27575","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-diary","tag-291","tag-desperation"],"yoast_head":"\n