Dear Diary,<\/p>\n
Lao Tzu wrote, “Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.” \u00a0I have spent several years alone and have specifically meditated upon and written about my connections to everyone as a whole.\u00a0 My essays, monologues, short poems, alone series captions, and now diary entries have connected people for over ten years.\u00a0 Never once, though, would I have ever accepted the title ‘master.’\u00a0 I have struggled with the opposite problem, where I diminish any accomplishment and focus on every fault.\u00a0 It takes ten years to grow a tree but only ten minutes to cut one down.<\/p>\n
For some time, my social interactions, regardless of age, gender, or status, have an enlightening common thread.\u00a0\u00a0 With few exceptions, the central communication styles of all of them were layered in insincerity.\u00a0 To understand these respective people’s intent or purpose, you had to navigate through minefields of sarcasm and cynicism.\u00a0 These people would often tell ‘jokes’ that were meant to convey truths but said in a way wherein if they were ill-received, then the teller could easily escape, and other non-answers.\u00a0 Over time, I have become increasingly frustrated with these interactions and the people who use them as a default method of communication.<\/p>\n
It has dawned on me recently, in my meditations on validation and identity, that I have been focused almost exclusively on ‘doing.’\u00a0 We define ourselves in what we ‘do.’\u00a0 I am a (job title.)\u00a0 How often do we give adequate weight to ‘being?’\u00a0 I may never ‘do’ things the way I used or wish to, but when I look at my contributions to people internally, I can see things that no product can replicate.\u00a0 Through the years of solitude and learning how to cherish every little thing I got,\u00a0 I learned the value of sincerity.\u00a0 I believe myself to have always been a sincere person, but I grew a distaste for the games of sarcasm and the time we waste, leaving each other wondering what we truly wanted to say.<\/p>\n
Recently, it has been brought to my attention my ability to relate to almost anyone, anywhere, anytime.\u00a0\u00a0 People have given me feedback on how my writing is broad in perspective and paints pictures clear in emotional depth and weight.\u00a0 Given my limitations with memory and concentration,\u00a0 any such accomplishment stems purely from emotional availability and sincerity. \u00a0I mean what I say, and I give the benefit of the doubt the person to whom I’m speaking does as well.\u00a0 I am willing to be trusting and vulnerable.\u00a0\u00a0 I give of myself freely,\u00a0 if perhaps a little too enthusiastically at times.\u00a0 Lao Tzu also writes, “Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.”\u00a0 I dream of reciprocity but rarely demand it. I can only try to be the best ‘me’ I can and hope for the best.<\/p>\n
Let us pretend that I am a ‘Master of Sincerity.’\u00a0 Other than a cheer that ‘yay, I’m good at something!’ Where do we go from here?\u00a0 Actually, I think potentially several places.\u00a0 Going from not being good at anything to being good at something is significant.\u00a0 I was once the person who was naturally good at everything.\u00a0 Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and I struggled to walk and recognize people’s faces.\u00a0 To have something I can understand I’m good at, and not just have other people say so, is essential.\u00a0 It isn’t something I can put on a new resume block, but this is about me and how I can look at myself.<\/p>\n
I will continue to be a different kind of person; insincerity is the language of the land.\u00a0 People will continue to find comfort keeping one another at a distance, not just because of COVID-19.\u00a0\u00a0 Perhaps, I will find someone one day who feels intuitively connected, as I do, and is not interested in avoidance.\u00a0 Of course, we have our sensitive spots. However, I’ve come to instinctively and intuitively value human connection, and bonds aren’t formed through pre-emptive defensiveness and insincerity.\u00a0 We connect through shared authentic experiences.\u00a0 It isn’t easy to embrace someone fully when one hand holds up your mask.\u00a0 My usual position is one from which I enjoy the wind and ponder the wonder of nature.\u00a0\u00a0 The walls in my vicinity are akin to ruins, crumbled and easily surmounted.\u00a0 I am easily accessible, and that can be frightening, but I think watching the sunset on the waves is better than staring at the inside of a fortress.\u00a0 While my little patch of the world is often lonely, I often think of the people who have abandoned me to retreat within their walls.\u00a0 Do they ever poke their heads out and think, ‘I’d rather be out there?’<\/p>\n
Being exposed is often uncomfortable, and anxiety comes with being judged by other people.\u00a0 We do not live in a vacuum, devoid of meaning or purpose, separated from each other completely.\u00a0 Deep down, we yearn for validation.\u00a0 We want to know we exist, and we have value.\u00a0 Seeking validation manifests itself uniquely in each of us, and it is something we have to manage carefully, but it is there somewhere.\u00a0 To know that’s what I’m good at is comforting, even if some people aren’t ready for it and have to retreat.\u00a0 I used to stare at the water and demand to know, “What’s wrong with me?” I was convinced it had to be me.\u00a0 It has taken me many years and many mistakes to tear my walls down and understand I am not always the problem.\u00a0 Increasingly, people tell me directly it isn’t my fault. \u00a0Now it’s up to me to believe them.<\/p>\n
…and therein lies another problem with insincere people.\u00a0 When it matters most, can you believe their messages?\u00a0 Thoughts for another day.\u00a0\u00a0 For now, I’m just going to be grateful from this morning’s perspective.\u00a0 May it last for a bit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Diary, Lao Tzu wrote, “Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.” \u00a0I have spent several years alone and have specifically meditated upon and written about my connections to everyone as a whole.\u00a0 My essays, monologues, short poems, alone series […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[304],"tags":[307,317,327,325],"class_list":["post-27971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-diary","tag-307","tag-identity","tag-meditation","tag-validation"],"yoast_head":"\n