Dear Diary, Let’s Talk about Male Loneliness<\/p>\n
I decided half a year ago 2024 would be ‘The Year of Courage.’\u00a0 I don’t remember what that meant when I initially made the decision, but it has manifested into me trying to ‘find my voice,’ or, at a minimum, understand where my voice came from.\u00a0 As a part of that process, I keep seeing headlines about how men are so lonely these days.\u00a0 Every time I see one of these stories my reaction is generally the same: “Well, no shit.”\u00a0 The obviousness of it, for me, is akin to writing a story saying the sky is blue.\u00a0 So, let’s try to be a little courageous and explore this complex topic.<\/p>\n
Why are (so many) men lonely?\u00a0 If we were to look around at how the ‘male’ figure is commonly portrayed, we could sum up the expectations of male life in two words: Destruction and Domination.\u00a0 The Male figure is often seen as ‘winning’ something,\u00a0 meaning someone or something else is losing.\u00a0 Whether this is in sports, in the courtroom, on the battlefield, or everywhere in between, the male figure is shown to be hierarchical, and if you’re not on top, you fail.<\/p>\n
By contrast, the Female energy is often shown to allow for creativity and consensus.\u00a0 The Female energy is conversation and community.\u00a0 If we, as men, want to consider that kind of calling we are ostracized publicly.\u00a0 In more juvenile settings, we get called “gay” for daring to have emotional availability.\u00a0 It was also an implicit communication the LBTQ+ people are somehow incorrect and inferior.\u00a0 Why? LBTQ+ people are about acceptance and celebration of who one is and what one does or brings.\u00a0 In essence, it’s the exact opposite of the exclusionary vision of the Destruction and Domination crowd that envisions a singular person, themselves, commanding all those beneath them.<\/p>\n
The Destruction and Domination culture has megaphones almost anywhere you turn.\u00a0 Media Outlets, Bully Pulpits, Family members, Social Media ‘Influencers,’ etc., are all profiteers of war.\u00a0 These individuals and organizations pump the audiences full of fear and anger that ‘They’ are going to hurt you.\u00a0 The Destruction and Domination culture needs tribalism and differences to engage in that terrible behavior.\u00a0 If the message was ‘We are all on the same team,’ as it should be then justifying killing ourselves and stealing resources would be a much more difficult undertaking.\u00a0 We would be having conversations about leadership and conservation, not about how best to raid the village across the river.<\/p>\n
Christianity in today’s age doesn’t help.\u00a0 The Religion of Christianity itself isn’t the problem per se, but just like all Men aren’t the problem it is how Christianity is being broadcasted.\u00a0 Christian Nationalists are prime Destruction and Domination people.\u00a0 Christian Nationalists are trying to destroy Democracy, racial equality, women’s rights, reproductive freedom, and a whole lot more. \u00a0\u00a0Who are most Christian Nationalists we see? Men.\u00a0 Who are most White Nationalists we see? Men.\u00a0 Who has made most of the decisions to defund education, protect the profits of drug and insurance companies over the health of the people, and prop up defense contractors over the homeless?\u00a0 Men.<\/p>\n
It is mathematically impossible for nearly half the population to all be ‘Dominant’ in the way the culture advertises the goal.\u00a0 Furthermore, \u00a0American Male Culture is typically portrayed as individual success.\u00a0 “I” achieved this,\u00a0 “I” have these records or status, “I” have this money.\u00a0\u00a0 You, as a male, are supposed to climb on top of everyone else and pretend you got there alone.\u00a0 Such mindsets abandon the environment and, eventually, relationships.\u00a0 Is it no wonder we have such problems with greed, corruption, and megalomania?\u00a0 We have a presidential candidate with dozens of felony convictions and Supreme Court justices who aren’t pretending to be innocent of ethics violations, but instead that they are above ethics.\u00a0 All of those are Men, as well.<\/p>\n
The Destruction and Domination mindset incentivizes the Machiavellian ‘End Justifies The Means’ mentality \u2013 murdering any hope to end the cycle of abuse any time soon.\u00a0 Such hope is buried even further when people who benefit from the status quo, such as White Men in some locations where Colonialism was successful, want to maintain things as is because they believe it benefits them.\u00a0 The incorrect perception that equality is oppression leads to the continued Destruction of lives, borders, cultures, biospheres, and whatever else those in power believe they need to do to stay in power.<\/p>\n
Capitalism contributes.\u00a0 Trying to achieve infinite growth with finite resources places unyielding pressure on everyone.\u00a0 There is an endless race to take or create something before someone else,\u00a0 do something better than someone else, etc. \u00a0Coupled with that are the endless advertisements and portrayals pressuring you to consume.\u00a0\u00a0 If you don’t Dominate the consumption of your market or interest, you’re somehow falling behind.\u00a0 I see people throwing around an acronym, “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out) around, to pressure people further to consume.<\/p>\n
On the one hand, I dislike the excessive celebrations I see in sports these days\u00a0 –\u00a0 something I’m going to call peacocking.\u00a0 I see it not only from the player who made the play but also from teammates on the sidelines who feel the need to try to be seen as well in some way.\u00a0 However, maybe if we didn’t try to obstruct boys and men from being pretty, emotionally available, and individually expressive, we wouldn’t have these flamboyant and arguably disrespectful displays of any reasonable success.\u00a0 In the culture, as portrayed today, you must always be engaged in public displays of Instant Gratification so everyone else knows how Dominant you are.\u00a0 You have to overreact and put your life on social media in a perfectly presented way, yet be stoic, impenetrable, and undefeated.<\/p>\n
Of course, there is a Male Loneliness problem.\u00a0 There are growing disconnects between what the traditional power structure wants and what the real world wants.\u00a0 The traditional power structure is full of contempt and tries its best to radicalize another generation of men who believe they alone are the answer to the world’s woes.\u00a0 Here at ground level, we tell people ‘two heads are better than one’ and ‘many hands do light work’, but as you work up the ladder, politics and intrigue take over, and now it’s ‘cover your ass’ and ‘not in my back yard.’<\/p>\n
How many of the Male Leaders we would want to point to are local operators with troubled backgrounds? I’m not saying that’s bad in and of itself; it’s more like drawing a comparison to the list of those we would not want to point to who are on full display, whether we like it or not.\u00a0 It complicates matters when addressing a loneliness problem, and you have few national leadership figures to point to.\u00a0 Trust in our government, our law enforcement, our corporate leadership, our courts, and most authority in general is deservedly low.<\/p>\n
I’m trying to find my voice, but so are Men in general.\u00a0 For a very long time Men were expected to Destroy and Dominate \u2013 from inside the home to the Head of State and from the village border to international board rooms.\u00a0 As we finally break the bonds of that dreadful burden and allow ourselves to do more than hurt history,\u00a0we have to grapple with not only learning a new language and skill set but also coming to terms with all that we’ve done. There will be a contingent of Men who will absolutely refuse with all their might if for no other reason than admitting fault or feeling guilt will be too much, and so they will continue to dehumanize rather than have the strength to deal with themselves.<\/p>\n
Healing is not linear.\u00a0 Look at how many lives and resources Men invested into Destroying things that took lives and resources to build.\u00a0 Many of those scars never had the time to heal before another one was inflicted.\u00a0 The things marketed towards us, like sports and video games, are primarily competition-based \u2013 Domination-based.\u00a0 Changing the narrative from ‘Beat Them’ to ‘Beat Yourself’ takes time and a culture shift.\u00a0 Teaching that we and the environment are one and the same will be a hard sell, as those who want to justify racism and domestic abuse aren’t going to want to hear it.<\/p>\n
Teaching it’s ok to feel,\u00a0 it’s ok to cry,\u00a0 it’s ok to dream, it’s ok to ask why, will take time. \u00a0\u00a0If I’ve learned anything at all about American life it is we always have to unlearn to succeed.\u00a0 The American Story is titled “In Spite Of” for the majority of us.<\/p>\n
“It has to start some where
\nit has to start some time
\nwhat better place than here
\nwhat better time than now?” \u2013 Rage Against the Machine, Guerrilla Radio.<\/p>\n
It’s ok to break the cycle of abuse; you are worth it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Diary, Let’s Talk about Male Loneliness I decided half a year ago 2024 would be ‘The Year of Courage.’\u00a0 I don’t remember what that meant when I initially made the decision, but it has manifested into me trying to ‘find my voice,’ or, at a minimum, understand where my voice came from.\u00a0 As a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[338],"tags":[332],"class_list":["post-28879","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-considered-thoughts","tag-332"],"yoast_head":"\n